Chapter Nineteen:
Dyslexic Heart

"Step-father?"

The words were AJ's, shattering a silence that would have made a dropping pin sound like a nuclear blast.

Carly kept her eyes trained on the top of her son's head, her heart thundering in her chest. She swallowed, then crouched down next to him. "Did you hear what I said, Honey?"

Michael looked up, eyes wide, and looked up at his father. He nodded, then dropped his eyes down to the tile.

"Do you understand what that means?"

"You're married?" Emily's voice cut through the air, high pitched. She stepped forward from her place behind Nikolas, and reached out, grabbing his arm. "Nikolas?"

Nikolas closed his eyes at her voice and hoped that when he opened them again this would have gone away. It was entirely possible, from his perspective, that this wasn't happening. After all, he couldn't feel the door jam his hand was gripping, or the floor beneath him. This could be… An attack? An out of body experience, easily. After all… If Carly had actually just told AJ about them, she'd have to have a reason. And logic suggested that, having spent the last twelve plus hours with her, he should be able to see it. But at no point since this course of action had begun to lay itself out for him, had the idea of openly telling AJ that he was probably now going to be engaging in yet another fight for his son occurred to him. Not today. It was insane. It was impractical. It was, considering he hadn't even begun to design just how he was going to present Carly to his father, an absolute disaster.

Nikolas opened his eyes again. Everyone was still exactly where he had left them. Carly was looking at AJ. Her face held an expression that immediately brought him back to earth with a hard thud. She looked defiant. Repressed anger bubbling just under her skin. She was revealing in this, he realized. It was vindictive. And she was so obviously enjoying it. This was too perverse, too familiar… God, what the hell did she think she was doing…?

"What are you talking about?" AJ's voice interrupted Nikolas’ thoughts, just as he reached the sensation of feeling physically ill. Carly, however, looked as cool as a cucumber as she bent and gave Michael a quick kiss on the cheek. She looked back at AJ and tossed her hair over her shoulder.

"I'll have my lawyer mail you the details."

Nikolas averted his eyes, looking down at the ground so that he didn't have to face the fact that, even in his current state of revulsion, his heart had skipped a beat at the way she moved. He needed to get out of here. He had to get her away from all these people. He didn't know how long he was going to be able to take her behavior, or the way she was looking at AJ… Like he was important, like he mattered to her. He needed this to end, NOW.

Apparently, so did AJ.

"Emily,” AJ kept his voice low and didn't look away from Carly. "Take Michael upstairs."

No one moved.

Carly cocked her head to one side her hand still on Michael's shoulder. "I'm leaving, AJ. You don't have to call for reinforcements."

At her words, AJ's hands clenched into fists and his face had drained of color. "What are you up to now?" he hissed. "Are you playing some kind of game?"

"Why would she do that?"

The sound of his own voice surprised Nikolas, and he found the entire attention of the room suddenly on him. He became acutely aware of himself, and managed to relax his hand so that he could step away from the doorframe. He gave AJ a very practiced look of disinterest, bordering on boredom. In his chest, his heart was beating wildly. AJ seemed to expect him to continue, but Nikolas didn't say a word. He just looked at him, letting the silence stretch on until it became unbearable. At times like this, being born the son of Stefan Cassadine was a great advantage.

"You're saying this is true?" AJ seemed to sputter. Nikolas felt himself focus, intently, on that one figure, shutting Carly out entirely. It was the only way he knew to handle this. Just zero in on the target. Regardless of what was going on in Carly's head right now, AJ was a rival. He was the prey. And Nikolas wasn't about to show the slightest sign of weakness.

"That," he spoke carefully, "is what I'm saying."

It was clear logic wasn't getting through to AJ at this point. Nikolas was certain he saw fear begin to creep into his expression as his eyes darted around the room wildly, and finally settled on the far corner, where the social worker was standing.

"Can they do this?"

Nikolas heard Carly laugh, but he didn't look at her. Her voice was enough. He felt like it was cutting through him.

"I'm still a free woman, AJ. I'm allowed to get married. And I'm allowed to tell you… or not tell you. Depending on how I feel. I felt like telling you. And like I said, we're leaving now."

There was another silence, and Nikolas guessed she must be waiting for him to say something. He wasn't at all sure he could do that.

"Right?"

Even in his detached state, the quiver she was fighting to keep out of her words got to him. He looked over at her. She was trying to hide it, but he could tell she was worried. He wasn't sure what to make of that.

"Yes," he spoke so calmly, with authority. There was not a hint of anger or malice in his voice, but there was no warmth either. "If you're ready."

Carly stared at Nikolas just a moment, before forcing herself to look away. It had taken her that long to get up the courage to look at him, to see how he felt about what she'd just said. She'd wanted him to be happy about it, she realized. And deep in her gut, she'd known he wouldn't be. But she'd really wanted to be wrong.

"Almost," Carly struggled with the word, then turned and pulled her son up into her arms. Michael, she reminded herself. It's all really about Michael. He deserves to know. God, what is she supposed to do, start lying to her son? Yes, she'd wanted to see how Nikolas would react and the look on AJ's face was worth more money than the Q's had to bribe judges, but in the end, it was Michael. Everything had to be ok as long as she could focus on him.

"Michael?" she spoke quietly. After a moment, he looked up and into her eyes, concern barely concealed behind his calm demeanor. Carly felt her heart skip. "Oh, honey. Don't worry, ok?" she forced her very best smile. "This is a good thing, alright? You like Nikolas, don't you?"

Michael nodded, then stole a quick glance at his father.

"Good. And we'll see you next week and we can talk about this, if you want. Ok?"

"Ok."

Carly felt AJ behind her, right behind her. His breath on her back. She squeezed her son. "Gimmie a kiss."

Michael put his hands on her face and gave her a loud smacking kiss on the cheek.

"Good boy," she kissed him on both cheeks, quickly, then turned back to AJ. Michael's arms flew out, reaching for his father, who gladly pulled him free of his mother's grasp.

"Next week, Carly," he managed, as if he'd just won a minor victory. Carly felt a lump in her throat. Michael had resumed looking at his hands.

"I love you, sweetie."

Michael nodded. Carly felt her heart crack for the sixty-eighth time since she'd lost custody. She turned quickly, heading for the door, and giving Chris a cursory nod.

"I'll be contacting you, Carly," Chris spoke quietly as Carly passed. She didn't respond, wrenching the door open. She turned back and looked at Nikolas.

"Coming?"

"I'm right behind you."

Carly nodded, and turned, walking out the door. Nikolas took a deep breath and turned back, surveying the foyer quickly.

Emily.

He felt himself flush at the sight of her. The girl who'd been his unwavering friend, he was certain, up until a few moments ago. She was just staring at him. Her eyes were wide as saucers, but other than that, her demeanor was entirely unreadable.

"We'll talk?" he let this become a question. She didn't respond, just stared at him. He didn't expect more. He nodded, meeting her eyes, though every part of him wanted to look away. "Good-bye Emily."

Carly was halfway down the walk when she heard the door to the mansion close. She turned on her heel to face Nikolas, and realized she had absolutely no idea what to say. She didn't even know how she was feeling. Her mind was spinning, her heart still pounding in her chest, her throat still dry. She had hated the way he was looking at her when she'd finally been able to bring herself to make eye contact with him. But that didn't change the fact that… He was Nikolas. Her newest and most dizzying affliction. She wanted to fly into his arms one second, then claw him the next.

"What… Was that?" she finally managed as he approached her. Nikolas took her elbow, turning her, and continued down the drive, not altering his pace. He didn't speak. Carly pulled her arm away from him. "Hey!"

"We have to get out of here," Nikolas’ voice was surprisingly unsettled.

"Nikolas," Carly pulled her arm away from him, and moved to block his path "It's not like they are going to send out the dogs!"

Nikolas looked at her as if she wasn't really there. He blinked several times in rapid succession, then put his hands on her shoulders. She felt her stomach flip, and she waited to see what he was going to do. Maybe she was wrong. She'd just surprised him, that was all. He wasn't really angry. He couldn't be. This had been his idea! Ok, maybe not entirely, but…

Nikolas was staring at his hands on the bare skin of her shoulders. She felt his thumb run over the curve of her shoulder, once, then a second time, and finally, he looked into her eyes. He looked lost. She felt her annoyance with him begin to dissolve, and a smile began to make its way across her lips. At this, he moved her, suddenly and firmly, out of his way, and continued down the drive.

Carly stood stock still a moment, trying to comprehend what had just happened. She turned around and looked after him. He was just about to reach the gate and he showed no signs of stopping. She felt herself begin to burn again.

"Nikolas!" She turned and followed him determinedly, head down, hands clenched. He stopped at the gate and looked up at the sky as she reached him. The wind was getting colder, with the sun hanging lower in the sky. "What is going on?"

Nikolas shook his head. Good question… really, really good question.

"We can't do this here," he mumbled.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Carly demanded. Nikolas gripped the edge of the wrought iron and swung around the fence, exiting the grounds, and crossing the street to his parked car. Carly watched him, in utter confusion, then threw her hands up and crossed after him. "Are you going to answer me?"

Nikolas reached the jag, pulled his keys out of his pockets, disengaging the locks by remote. The car gave a short yelp and he moved to the driver's side, still not looking at her. He was beginning to have trouble breathing and he knew, whatever reaction he was going to have to what had happened in there, it was coming on fast. He sucked in a lungful of air and forced himself to speak with as much conviction as he could muster.

"Get in the car."

His words sounded suspiciously like a command and Carly took a step back in knee-jerk reaction.

"What?"

Nikolas pulled the door open. "Get in the car."

Carly laughed, a low and menacing sound, deep in her throat. She shook her head.

"No way."

"Carly."

"No," she backed up, holding her hands up in front of her. "I think I'll walk, thanks."

Nikolas slammed the door on his side with alarming force, surprising even himself. Angry. He was definitely angry. Good to know. He looked across at her, at the indignant look on her face and felt himself begin to fume. She was indignant? After that display? After she'd…

His stomach dropped as the full force of the trigger behind his anger hit him. He moved to the passenger side and yanked the door open.

"Get in the CAR!"

"Go to hell."

Carly turned on her heel and started down the road. Nikolas swore viciously under his breath, before pushing the door closed.

"Carly."

He saw her shake her head, still walking away from him. She made a gesture with her arm as if she was batting him away like a particularly annoying insect.

God, I'm not doing this, he thought. I'm not doing this! I'm not getting sucked into this damned game. Not any further than I already have. And not here, ten feet from the front gate of the Quartermaine estate. Let her go. He thought this, even as he felt himself move after her, acutely aware of how ridiculous this must look.

"Carly."

She sped up, forcing him to run to catch up with her. She felt his hand close around her arm again and she spun around to face him, eyes flashing. She could feel the anger coursing thorough her veins, burning out everything else. She held onto it tightly, like a drug, letting it cauterize her wounds. She'd always been able to curl up in the warm grip of rage. They were old friends.

"Get your hands off of me!" Nikolas, always a gentleman first, dropped her arm like a hot potato. Her eyes flashed. "You're unbelievable! You know that?"

Nikolas’ shook his head in amazement. "I'm unbelievable."

"Oh!" Carly folded her arms, scoffing at him. "Now he's talking. Thanks for rushing to my defense in there. Do you think you could have been a little more cold though? I think AJ might have thought, just for a second there, that we were serious."

"Serious?" Nikolas felt himself begin to seethe. "He thought we were a heart attack. But you knew he would, right?"

Carly shrugged. "I don't care what he thinks."

"You're lying."

Carly arched an eyebrow. "Excuse me?"

"You are lying to me."

His words came out low and hushed. A rumble from deep within him. They were spoken with complete assurance. Carly stepped back like he'd slapped her. Holy Deja Vu, Batman. She'd gotten enough of that from Jason. She shook her head, slowly.

"Are you surprised?" she asked, acrimony dripping off her words. "Come on. How slow are you? I told you what I was like. And if you had bothered to stop to think with your BRAIN or any other part of your anatomy located above the waist, then you probably wouldn't be in this mess in the first place. But guess what, Nik?" Carly twisted the irksome short form of Nikolas’ name on her tongue, so that it came out like a curse. "You made some insane decisions last night… with no help from me… so if you're regretting them now that is soooo not my problem. You got yourself into this… and now, you're stuck with a cheating, lying whore for a wife." she gave a malicious laugh. "And admit it… A part of you must be enjoying that." She stepped back from him, her eyes lit up with mischief. "A part of you must want it."

"Don't…" Nikolas’ jaw was locked shut. He couldn't watch this. Carly's affection for self-degradation always cut him.

"Don't what?" her voice was musical and teasing. She was making a joke out of this. He turned back to her, infuriated.

"ONE THING!" The words ripped out of him. He screamed them, agony clear in his words. "I asked you to promise me one thing… I told you not to use me, and the first you thing you do…"

She was thrown out of her performance at his words, and looked at him in consternation.

"WHAT?"

"I'm not stupid, Carly," his voice was ragged, his breath coming heavy and cutting off his words. He looked furious, but his eyes were rimmed with unshed tears. "I know what I saw in there. I know what you were doing."

Carly's eyes widened in shocked protest. "I wasn't using you!"

"Then what the hell was it? Can you answer that? You're standing there with your ex-lover and you tell him that you're married to me to achieve WHAT end? What did we just gain by that particular maneuver except to show up AJ? You don't care what he thinks? Who were you looking at, Carly? Who's reaction were you interested in? It wasn't mine."

Carly stepped back from him, her hand flying over her stomach to protect herself from the accusation. She was not prepared, not on any level, for how much it hurt. Now she really didn't know what to do. Everyone ALWAYS thought the worst of her, she was used to it.

"Do you…" her voice came out just above a whisper. "Do you… Really believe that?"

He had. With absolute certainty. Until she said that. Suddenly everything was murky again. Nikolas shook his head in confusion. No. NO, it was too much. This revelation out of nowhere, with Carly's eyes everywhere but on him… That same sick look of enjoyment…

"How…" he choked out the word. "How do you think expect me to stand there and watch you look at him like that?"

Carly let out a growl of frustration. "Like what?"

Nikolas looked disgusted. "Like you held his whole world in your hands. And you were going to crush it, to hell with whoever got hurt."

Carly gave a bitter and defensive laugh. "Give me one reason why I shouldn't. Do you know what that family has done to me?"

"Why does that give you the right to hurt other people? This isn't supposed to be about revenge, Carly."

"Oh my God…" Carly gaped at him, incredulous. "Ok, call up Uncle Luke, we have to make some amendments to the family handbook. A Cassadine who doesn't understand revenge? Boy are you going to miss out on the fringe benefits of being married to me!"

Nikolas closed his eyes. He wasn't going to be able to do this. It hurt too much, it was ripping him apart. God, how could it be THIS painful to try to talk to someone?

"I understand revenge." He glowered at her. "Mostly because I'm on the receiving side of it. Or at least I'm the pawn. I'm what gets used to demolish someone ELSE. And no one ever… EVER… stops to see what I think of it. I'm not doing it again, Carly. I won't."

Carly felt like she'd lost her footing in this argument. She turned and walked back towards the car, hoping the movement would help her navigate out of this place. What was she feeling? Guilt? No, wait. None of this changed what had happened this afternoon. It didn't change the fact that he hadn't wanted anyone to know about them. She turned on her heel and looked back at him, her hand on her hip.

"Wait… If you're so angry, then why didn't you just hang me out to dry… completely?"

"Because."

"That's not an answer."

"Because," Nikolas spit, hating to be pressed like this, "I wanted to make sure he knew that you weren't his anymore."

"I was NEVER his."

Nikolas snorted. "Did you tell him that?"

Carly put her hand up, as if trying to fend off this idea. "Ohhhhh kay… I think this is going to turn out to be some 'guy' thing I probably don't want to know about." She dropped her hand, and frowned, a realization coming over her. "Wait. Are you jealous?" Nikolas looked away. Carly couldn't help it. She burst out laughing. "Of AJ?"

Nikolas bristled at her laughter. He really didn't see anything funny about any of this. "Just tell me why you did it,” he sounded tired. "Just… Tell me that."

"This is insane," Carly shook her head and leaned back against the door of the jag. "Really. And you're not fighting fair…"

"There are rules to this?"

Carly looked up at him sharply. "Apparently. If I've broken them."

Nikolas took a few steps towards her, conceding that he was, at least, ready to listen to her side of the story.

"I just want an answer."

Carly smirked at him bitterly. "Yeah, there's a lot of that going around. You know… I didn't ask for this, Nikolas. NONE of it was my idea. You just showed up in the middle of my life, never ask me whether I want you there or not and you… You confuse everything. You won't go away! You keep pushing and pushing and you tell me all kinds of stuff… No one ever says. Never!" Carly looked down at her hand, twisting her fingers together. She was beginning to get far too emotional about this. "You said you wanted me. You said you wanted us to be together." She looked up at him, finally locating her anger again. "That was what YOU promised ME! Then we get here… and you turn into everyone else! Suddenly I'm a secret again. You don't want anyone to know about us! No explanation, no nothing. Just send me off in a cab and then, you know, fit in meeting my son around hanging out with your little friend Emily. And I'm using you? Well, hey… if I am? At least you have some idea what for. I… I… I'm totally lost here. So enlighten me, please, Nikolas." She looked up at him. "What exactly do you want from me? What do you want that you weren't getting without a whole hell of a lot less trouble?"

Later, looking back at all of this, Nikolas wouldn't be able to pinpoint the moment where he actually lost control. But this was the moment when he realized it. Because he wasn't angry anymore. It was gone, evaporated like a drop of water tossed onto a frying pan.

"I wasn't keeping you a secret."

Carly rolled her eyes. "Oh, REALLY? I'm sorry, what were we fighting about again?"

"I'm not sure anymore…" He was moving towards her, reaching for her. He pulled her into his arms and pressed her back against the door of the car, protecting her, shielding her from everything.

"I'm sorry," he mumbled against her neck. "I'm sorry, that wasn't what I was trying to do, I'm sorry."

Carly felt her body sag, much to her own annoyance. Oh, what was she doing? She'd known, she'd suspected for so long and now, if there was any lingering doubt that this boy was damaged, it had just vanished. She couldn't do this! How was she supposed to be with someone who was this crazy? What was she doing with anyone? She should never have let him talk her into this. It was a mistake and damnit, she'd known that when she said yes. This was going to be a disaster. No two ways about it. And the irony that they had run off and gotten married because half the town was going to do everything in their power to convince them they shouldn't be together. Well. Maybe half the town had a point.

Carly felt Nikolas exhale against her skin, and she squeezed her eyes shut. He was holding her so tightly. She could feel the strong pounding of his heart reverberating through her. It was so close, and so intimate and… She swallowed hard, as a warm wave of emotion washed over her. It was so different from anything she'd ever experience with anyone. This moment, she realized, wasn't about sex. It was about him wanting her to hold him. Wanting HER forgiveness. Wanting to know she valued him… Oh, God…

Her arms almost of their own volition, winding around his waist and pulling him closer to her. She buried her face against his neck, and tightened the embrace. She knew this place. It was so familiar and she began to ache with the familiarity of the times she'd hurt like he was right now. All the times when all she'd wanted was for someone to wrap their arms around her and make everything else to go away. The idea that she could do this for him was heady, and she wasn't even close to prepared for the effect it was having on her. She was sinking into a place where she'd do anything for him. Anything.

"I could have waited for AJ's reaction," she whispered in his ear. Nikolas let out a long and shuddering breath.

"I don't care about that anymore."

Carly gave a slight smile. That might be true… But she had a feeling he'd care again later.

"I could have waited to see AJ's face. I really could have." She pulled back and looked up at him, meeting his eyes. God, he looked so vulnerable. Why did Nikolas vulnerable not make her feel like screaming? She'd always hated that look on men's faces. It had made her want to hurt them. To twist the knife and just get away from them as fast as possible. It was like they were trying to manipulate her, to make her care about them. Get her to do what they wanted. But with Nikolas, she didn't feel the same kind of threat. And it always made her feel like she had to try to make it go away. She threaded her finger through the hair at the nape of his neck and gave him a soft smile.

"The reaction I couldn't wait for… Was yours."

Nikolas closed his eyes, and breathed in that revelation.

"Could you say that again?"

Carly stood up on her toes, bringing her lips to his, letting them brush lightly against his as she spoke. "I wanted to see how you'd feel."

Nikolas let out a soft moan, almost a breath and brought his hand up to cup the back of her head, bringing her lips to his. Oh, God. It had been too long, and he revealed in the taste of her lips, in the feeling of once again having her. It was so easy. When they were like this, it was so easy, he couldn't even grasp the hell of a few minutes earlier. He felt Carly pull away, and let out a sound of protest as her hands moved from his neck and reached down to hold his hands. Then he remembered that they were still only yards away from the Quartermaine estate.

Carly stared hard at Nikolas’ hands in hers. She could feel her blood coursing through her veins again, and it was a wonderful sensation. The reasons for their fight felt so distant now, and the rest of the afternoon… the best parts of it… were rushing back to her.

"And…" Carly took a deep breath. "When I saw you with Michael at the lake, and I saw how much he…" the memory warmed her and she found the strength to look up at him, confident that he'd want to hear this. "How much he liked you… I wanted him to know so badly it hurt. Because…" she felt herself choke up and laughed slightly at how far she was sinking into sentiment. "Because he's going to love you. I can tell."

Nikolas took in the sincerity shinning in Carly's eyes, and felt himself move forward again, location aside, bringing his lips down on hers in a kiss full of promise.

You're going to love me too, he promised himself. You're going to love me.