Chapter Twenty-One:
Altered State

Nikolas hadn't expected it to be this hard not to smile.

He wasn't into revenge scenarios. It was his father's game, Luke's… Something he and his brother actively shunned. However… It was hard not to smile when finding out, at the age of 21, what shock looks like on your father's face.

"Well," Nikolas turned away, trying to push down the strange giddiness stirring inside him. "You weren't expecting that part."

Dead silence. Nikolas walked a few steps towards the open door to the patio. The sun was just beginning it's descent, the light streaming down through the trees and onto the patio, flickering as the leaves moved in the wind. Peaceful afternoon.

The silence drew itself out like sun warmed bubble gum, stretching on and on with no sign of breaking. Nikolas held his breath, unwilling to say anything else until he heard something from his father. Finally, the sound of glass colliding uneasily with metal signaled that Stefan had, at least, moved to put down his drink.

"You… married."

Nikolas found that nagging smile had made its way back to his face. "Yeah," he turned back to his father, laughing a little, his expression slightly awed. "I did."

Stefan's shocked expression had been replaced by one that could only be described as grave. It was closed and silent, not giving anyway anything more than the easily established fact that he was not pleased. His eyes traveled over Nikolas without apology and then returned to look his son straight in the eye. It was like being scanned, and it was nothing Nikolas could ever remember his father doing with that overtly. He met the gaze though, refusing to look away. Ask, he silently dared him. Just ask me how this happened.

"That is not characteristic behavior."

"No. It's not."

Stefan's breathing subtly began to shift. Nikolas caught the slight increase in the rise and fall of his chest.

"Do you have an explanation for this?" His father's voice was low, almost soothing. Nikolas knew him far too well to be fooled. His jaw was tightening and he saw Stefan extend his fingers against the urge to clench his hands. Nikolas lowered his head slightly. He was damned if he was going to play this game, both of them retreating into the patterns of a Tai Chi sparing match rather than actually confronting what was happening.

"What…” Nikolas sucked on his bottom lip, purposely letting the word hang in the air, "do you think would be my explanation?"

Stefan's featured darkened immediately. "Do you want me to answer riddles, Nikolas?"

"I want you to answer the question."

"How do you propose I do that?"

Nikolas slid his hands into his pockets. His eyes wandered along the mantle over his father's shoulder. "I'm just curious. You haven't really said anything."

Stefan seemed to openly reel for a moment until his brain grabbed onto a thread. "What is this girl's name?"

Nikolas blinked. Somehow he hasn't expected that question. He narrowed his eyes. "You don't know yet? I assumed you talked to the pilot. Rounded up witnesses."

Stefan cleared his throat. This was getting steadily more disturbing. "She's from Port Charles, then."

Nikolas gave a slight smile. "You thought I married a showgirl, perhaps?"

Stefan shook his head, like he was trying to swat away an unwanted image. "Are you going to grant me a name?"

"Since when have you needed me to tell you anything?" The words shot out of Nikolas’ mouth before he had really considered them. He had to admit, he liked the sound of them. He turned his back on his father "You'll find out. You always do."

Stefan's hand slammed down, suddenly and without warning, on the smooth surface of the side table. Nikolas jumped in spite of himself.

"What is this, Nikolas? What is this you are trying to do? Don't talk to me like this is a every day occurrence!"

Nikolas closed his eyes. He could hear the hurt buried in the thunder of his father's voice. Part of him warred against it. He hadn't meant to do this. He hadn't come here intent on presenting the news in this manner. But once through that door, once he'd heard the familiar sounds of his father pulling strings, all reasonable thoughts had fled. He knew too well what was going to happen once the words came out of his mouth. The games would start. He knew that like he knew how to breathe. The more information Stefan had, the less power Nikolas had. But he didn't have a choice. He had to part with it. It was the only way.

"I got married. To a beautiful… Incredible woman." He stared back out the window, fixing his eyes on the soft sway of the trees. "That is the most important part."

Behind him, Stefan moved. He could feel him coming towards him, and his body tense. He jerked unintentionally as a hand came down on his shoulder.

"A week ago… You told me it was over between you and Miss Scorpio."

Nikolas felt inexplicable tears come to his eyes. He shook his head hard. "Mrs. Morgan. And it is."

"Are you denying you had feelings for her then? When she married?"

Nikolas felt his mouth go dry. "No." He stared harder at the horizon. The motion of the trees was suddenly making him sick.

"Then explain to me… What has happened?"

Nikolas pulled away, suddenly, as if he was being burned. It was so damn easy, he thought, pacing the length of the room. He sometimes felt like a dog where Stefan was concerned. So willing to do what he was told, to follow Stefan's wishes, because he was the only person Nikolas really knew how to please. And the temptation to let go and do that… to give in to what his father wanted… was always lying in wait for him. Even at the moment of his greatest rebellions. He always relented. He always made peace. He just didn't have the strength to let any estrangement stand. Even if he hated himself afterwards.

"Thing have changed," he muttered, running a hand through his hair. "What happened a week ago might as well have been a million years ago."

"Nikolas."

Nikolas spun on his heel and looked Stefan in the eyes again.

"What?" He flung his arms out. "You want me to explain? I don't have an explanation. Not one you'll accept."

Stefan's jaw tightened ever so slightly. "Then at least tell me who she is."

Nikolas closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He had to get a grip. This wasn't a game, this wasn't about revenge. This was about his life. And the fact that he was finally taking charge of it. He forced himself to looks back at his father.

"Caroline Ann Benson… Cassadine."

Stefan took a step backwards, his jaw dropping and the color draining from his face. Nikolas didn't take any pleasure in the expression that time. Instead he found it chilling.

"Barbara's daughter."

"The one and only," Nikolas exhaled. "At last count."

A series of facial expressions flew across Stefan's face, none quite taking hold until he settled on a look of parental outrage. "How?" He crossed the room towards him son. "How did this happen? What did she say… what did she do?" The questioned piled up, landing on top of each other like chips at a poker game. Nikolas could swear he could hear the click.

"She didn't tell me anything!" Nikolas felt his heart begin to pound. "I had to talk her INTO it!"

Stefan's eyes flashed. "Nikolas. She is not…"

"What?" Nikolas cut him off, raising his voice. "What? What isn't she, father. Chose your words carefully."

Stefan drew in a breath and stepped back, struggling to find his way back into composure.

"I wasn't aware you had even… Encountered…"

"I have."

Stefan absorbed that a moment. His head cocked slightly to one side, his eyes darting across the carpet. When he looked up again, his expression was tight and controlled. His eyes bored into Nikolas’.

"And you saw fit to marry her. In Nevada. Without anyone's notice."

"I wanted to avoid another Bacchanalia," the sarcasm crept back into Nikolas’ voice. He didn't want to discuss Carly, he was realizing. Nothing his father would have to say was going to be charitable. And he couldn't listen to it right now. Not after what he'd witnessed that afternoon.

"Is she pregnant?"

Nikolas jerked his head back in surprise. The thought had never crossed his mind.

"No! We haven't even…” He stopped, realizing that he was about to reveal more than he wanted to. Instead, the aborted statement inspired at look of deep suspicion on Stefan's face.

"Do you have any idea… Have you heard even a fraction of what that girl is capable of??"

"I don't care."

"You should care! You're a Cassadine!"

"I'm a bastard Cassadine! No one cares who I marry."

"I care!"

"I'm not the prince," Nikolas looked around the room wildly. "I'm not the 'heir' anymore! And I don't have to consider what the nobles will think, I don't have to concern myself with appearances. I'm already an embarrassment. The punch line to a particularly distasteful chapter of our family history. Nothing I do now can really be more of a surprise than that."

"Did she say this to you?" Stefan demanded, moving towards his son. "Is this what she is filling your mind with? I have seen the depth of that girl's talent for manipulation, Nikolas. She is not to be underestimated."

"Neither am I!" Nikolas stated fiercely. "She didn't manipulate me into anything. If anyone is guilty of that, it's me! And if you suspect that she tricked me into this… that she got me to do something I didn't want to without my spotting it… then you're underestimating me. And you don't underestimate anyone!"

Stefan's face reddened at the accusation. "A week ago…"

"A week ago I had no idea what was happening to me. I thought my world was ending. And it wasn't." Nikolas shook his head, his mind reeling. "It was just beginning."

"You have been in no state…"

"I'm in love,” Nikolas cut Stefan off, his voice soft, filled with wonder. "I… I haven't even told her."

Stefan looked dumbfounded. Nikolas felt a bit lightheaded. He hadn't let himself say the words yet, not even really let himself think them. But God, it felt right. It felt so true. Suddenly the last place he wanted to be was Wyndemere. This was insane. He needed to see her, he needed to be with her again. It was the only thing that really made sense.

"You were in love with Robin Scorpio a week ago."

Nikolas gave a soft laugh. "No. I thought that was what it was, but this…” he looked up at Stefan, his eyes pleading. "I've never felt like this."

Stefan sunk onto the chaise at those words, looking as if he was faced with a ghost. There was a light in Nikolas’ eyes, a look he'd never seen there before. It looked slightly manic… other worldly. It did nothing to put him at ease.

"It's real this time, father," Nikolas words sounded a little feverish. "It's… It's real. It's not going to fade away, it's not going to come back to bite me. I…” he shook his head. "It can't. It's too… much." He blinked. "I'm in love."

Stefan paled. He turned his head away, staring at the wall. It was too familiar, that look in his son's eyes. Like looking into a mirror that showed a reflection from over twenty years ago.

"And this woman,” his voice was rough. "Miss Benson. She loves you too?"

There was a long silence, and Stefan felt his heart stop. Dear God, Nikolas… He thought. My son, do not tread down this path…

"She will."

Stefan felt a violent tremor shoot through him and he turned to look back at his son, rising to his feet instinctively.

"Are you certain of that?"

Nikolas expression darkened. "Yes."

"You're sure of your affection now… But not certain her feelings for you are as strong as you profess yours to be for her… And yet you've married her."

"And she married me." Nikolas looked defiant.

"You see how that trade off… you a Cassadine and her a common…"

"My WIFE!" Nikolas bristled. Stefan pursed his lips as if he's just tasted something sour.

"You're content with this? To be married to a woman you aren't certain cares for you…"

"She cares for me."

"And may never come to have the feelings you hope for… You're content to sentence yourself to this?"

Stefan's words rocked through Nikolas, hitting every conceivable mark. He felt the little grip he had left slip from him, and the anger and hurt bubbled over inside of him.

"Why don't you think she could love me!" he demanded, his voice raw. "What makes you think she doesn't already? She does. She does… I've seen it. I can tell by the way she is with me. I can tell by everything she does. She's just confused and that won't last forever!"

"We all try to convince ourselves of things we want to see," Stefan's voice held the edge of a plea. "Do not invest everything you have in something you're not certain will give you the rewards you so richly deserve!"

Nikolas bowed his head. "Do you really think the idea… Of someone loving me… do you think that is so far outside the realm of possibility?"

Stefan closed the distance between the, his hand sliding around the back of Nikolas’ neck, pulling his son towards him. He lowered his mouth to Nikolas’ ear and whispered to him, fiercely.

"You will have love. You have rights to all things in creation. And you will have them. I have no doubt of that."

Nikolas felt the tears returning, his stomach knotting. He had to get out of here. He had to get out of here now. He had to find his wife, look into her eyes. And make all these words go away. It was the only choice.

"It's too late, father," he shut his eyes, letting his fingernails dig into the flesh of his palm. "I've given her things I didn't even know I had possession of." he pulled back, releasing himself from Stefan's grip. "And if I have anything I haven't given yet… I will, the moment she asks. Without a single thought." He straightened up, stepping away from Stefan. "Do you see what I mean? What else can this be? I love her."

Tears were pooling in his father's eyes. "She will hurt you, Nikolas." Stefan's voice quaked. He looked as close to terrified as Nikolas had ever seen him. "She may not even intend it, but she will."

"I'm not you," Nikolas raised his chin, a mutinous expression on his face. "And Carly is not Laura."

With that, Nikolas fixed his eyes on the door and moved past his father without a word. He was gone before Stefan managed to turn around.