Chapter Eighty-Nine:
Everything You've Done Wrong

Nikolas wound along the path between Wyndemere and the guest cottage, measuring his steps so that he would miss Mrs. Landsbury. He’d just asked her to run breakfast over to the cottage kitchen so that it would be waiting when Carly was ready for it. He’d opted not to return from checking on his father through the tunnels with the housekeeper. Partly because he needed the air; mostly because it felt like visiting the scene of a crime.

He had gotten as far as the passageway – just into it, in fact – before the desperation to get away from Carly and what he’d just done had been thoroughly trumped by his desperation to hold on to her. He couldn’t even remember turning around – it was like he’d been carried back through the door into the kitchen, the living room, to her. And once he’d come back, he had to stay. He couldn’t take the look in her eyes when he’d tried to untangle himself from the web of promises, broken and otherwise – he couldn’t take remembering the look on her face when he’d told her to leave. He would probably be seeing her, hands clamped over her mouth, trying to hold in her sobs in his nightmares for the foreseeable future.

You did that to her. He couldn’t shake it.

He was still trying to feel comfortable in his own skin and failing. He knew that Carly wanted him to let yesterday go, she certainly seemed to have. And he was trying to understand that. The whole of the previous night – with her soft and yielding against him, soothing him, making love to him… She’d been his every fantasy realized. A beautiful woman who he understood and could talk to – who was funny and sexy and easy to be with. The whole thing had felt unreal. The depth of their connection, her endless ability to match his need, his desire for her – it kept him from feeling pathetic and weak when they were together. She accepted him completely, without question.

When he was with her, he could almost accept himself. They’d sat up late. She’d fed him olives and talked about her day and her conversation with her mother. She’d been bright and animated and happy. And the first thing he’d thought when he’d waken up that morning had been “did that really happen?” – it didn’t seem possible. For so long, he’d been working towards that. He’d been so focused on it, that it didn’t seem possible that he’d actually arrived at his goal. And … now?

Honestly, he didn’t understand that at all. What the hell had there been to love about him last night?

He’d done his best not to challenge her – not to ask the questions that kept popping in his head. Questions like “why now?” and “what about Jason?” Fair questions, and she’d probably answer them. Which was why he made himself keep quiet. He didn’t really want to hear those answers.

Carly, for her part, seemed to think that there was nothing he’d said or done that night that didn’t measure up against the things she had said and done to him – he couldn’t see it that way. She’d never tried to throw him out. SHUT him out, yes. And come as close to leaving as to pack a bag –

God, that still hit him like a kick to the gut. That was what had done it to him – He had turned on a dime. A hair trigger that had thrown him through the looking glass and believe – really believe – that every single thing he knew and felt about her was a lie… He hadn’t known he could do that. It was like he’d found a whole other person living inside him. He couldn’t comprehend why she still seemed to trust him. He didn’t feel like he could trust himself. Not anymore.

He also hated thinking about what the whole thing had brought up for him. Mostly, remembering Katherine, their brief and unconsummated affair. Remembering just how much she had played him… He’d promised himself he’d never be someone’s sucker again, that he wouldn’t let anyone make that spectacular a fool out of him. And, God, he had no ability to protect himself where Carly was concerned. He couldn’t take that – he couldn’t take the idea that he was that vulnerable to a woman who could do that to him. Even now, his rejected even the thought of it, and he pushed all memory of that morning and Katherine Bell from his mind as he turned the corner and the guest cottage came into view.

Carly was sitting on their front steps, waiting for him. She was in shorts and a sweatshirt, her cell phone clutched in her hand. He reached absently to make sure his own phone was in his pocket. It was. He hadn’t heard it ring.

“You are in trouble,” she told him, greeting him with a level stare.

“I left a note.”

“This is so not the kind of morning for note-leaving. Just for future reference.”

Nikolas dropped down on the stairs beside her, his already unsettled spirit taking another hit. “I’m sorry.”

She turned to look at him, fixing him with a glare before leaning in and kissing him. He let his eyes close, returned her soft kiss. His heart beat in his chest like a tethered balloon. It was in him – this feeling of bouancy, of relief, of joy… she loved him. She loved him. She was his, she was forever, and she loved him.

He was keeping that tamped down. He didn’t know any other way to deal with it. She can’t love you enough, a voice kept murmuring to him. She can’t love you enough to put up with any more of what you put her through last night.

Pulling back, she gave him a private smile and held up her phone. “Your brother called.”

“Since when does my brother have your cell number?”

She frowned at him. “Ok, for starters, I work for him. Secondly – since you gave it to him. When we were in Vermont, remember?”

Ah. Right. Not that he’d ever imagined back then that Lucky would use it to call Carly directly.

“What did he want?”

“To invite us on a picnic.”

Nikolas made a face before he had a moment to think about it and Carly burst out laughing. “Oh my God, you two are insane.”

“That can’t be his idea.”

“Probably not. He sounded a bit like he was on a death march. It’s either Lulu or Liz pulling his strings.”

Ah. It all came together. Lucky had been orchestrating a fair number of outings for Nikolas and Lulu since he’d been staying at the Brownstone. He didn’t know if Lucky knew they were back on the island or not. “What kind of picnic?”

“Kind? How many varieties of picnics are there? I figured they just mean the park. Do you think we can leave your dad for awhile?”

Nikolas nodded, absently. “He’s doing pretty well. And reading Ulysses, for some reason. I think it might be physically impossible to have a concussion and read James Joyce at the same time, so it’s both random and comforting.”

Carly eyed him with more than passing amusement, before handing him her phone. “I was thinking maybe? We could take them out on the boat.”

“The boat?”

“I know, Cassadine property, Lucky mentioned that – but technically, what’s yours is mine, so it’s Spencer property, too. And we wouldn’t have to deal with running into any local colour.” She nudged him. “I told him you’d call when you got back.”

Nikolas took the phone from her and noted his own aversion to calling his brother. There was no reason for it. He and Lucky were fine – probably better than they’d been before Carly had crashed into his life. What was more, Carly and Lucky had blown past civility into some sort of combative comradeship that he didn’t entirely understand. They were friendly – but they never seemed to be on the same side of anything. They both seemed to be enjoying it that way.

“Are you up for that?” he asked, flipping her phone open. Carly raised her brow at him.

“I think I can share you with your little sister for a few hours.” She leaned into his shoulder and murmured, “Are you ok?”

He nodded, distracted, and then came too, realizing the significance of the question. He turned to look directly at her, at her knit brow, and he found the ability to smile. “Better than I have the right to be.”

She rolled her eyes. “You can knock that off any time.”

“Well, I had Mrs. Landsbury bring you over coffee and blueberry muffins as part of my penance. If you’re interested.”

“Are they still warm?”

He gave her a look.

“Ok, stupid question.” She jumped up. “Call Lucky.” She turned and started up the steps, then spun back and jumped down to crouch beside him. She leaned in and gave him another sweet kiss. When she pulled back, she whispered “Hey. I love you.”

Nikolas smiled slightly. “I love you, too.” Carly broke into a grin.

“Look! Just like normal people!” She hopped up again and ran up the stairs into the house.

The sailboat was a hit. Lulu was nearly vibrating with excitement from the moment they met her on the dock. Part of this was due to a red envelope she handed to her brother with both hands. An invitation to her birthday party the following weekend, she’d carefully printed both her brother and Carly’s name on it in bubble letters.

Carly had been keeping her distance from Lulu. Not in a malicious or resentful way – Lulu certainly didn’t seem to care – but in the way she generally kept her distance from children. They were too easy to get attached to, and there were way too many variables involved in their sticking around. Besides – she always felt like she was getting in the way of something. Nikolas was definitely the more adept of the two of them at figuring exactly how to slip into something as dicey as visitation.

Not that this was exactly the same thing, but it was surprisingly similar.

Elizabeth – Who Carly quickly identified as the mastermind of this outing (and Lulu was obviously the bait more than the point – Elizabeth wanted to be friends) had made lunch and carried it in an honest-to-God picnic basket, complete with red gingham table cloth. She and Carly walked together, a few paces ahead of the siblings, and Elizabeth made small talk. They’d chatted a few times since the day of her emotional meltdown at the club, and it had always felt weird to Carly. She wasn’t used to women being this openly friendly without some sort of agenda.

Alright. Elizabeth had an agenda. She was going to marry Lucky one day and she clearly wanted to marry into a family where all the moving pieces worked. Carly tried not to hold that level of kooky optimism against the girl – but if they ever got to have a one-on-one conversation again, she was going to do her able-bodied best to get the lovely Ms. Webber talking about something a little more interesting than the complexities of waiting tables at Kelly’s or mixing oil paints.

She suspected Elizabeth would be as grateful for that as she’d be. There was some obvious strain in her cheeriness, here and there.

The Zephyr itself remained as majestic and visually spectacular as it had ever been. Only Lucky seemed indifferent, which Carly now understood was key to Lucky’s entire approach to life. Or, at least, his entire approach to Cassadines. Nikolas gave Lulu and company a quick tour, and then the two of them set about getting the boat ready to take out. Lucky – somewhat predictably – was the only one who knew anything about boats, but Lulu demanded one of her brothers close enough to grab the hand of, so he was stuck mostly explaining what Carly and Nikolas were doing. She was fascinated, if not a little nervous. The girl was clearly having a dramatically different childhood than her brothers.

She wasn’t a coward, though, and she loved the dramatic lean the boat took as they got out on the lake. She tested herself a few times, stepping up onto the deck, and then jumping back onto the benches. Eventually she settled, legs crossed, by Nikolas’s right side and asked him all sorts of questions about boats, sailing in general, and Greece. Carly sat and listened, picking up a few details about Nikolas’s childhood she actually hadn’t heard about yet (mostly surrounding the mind-boggling schedule of both academics and sport that his uncle had assigned him). Eventually Nikolas indicated that he thought they should drop anchor if they were going to have lunch, and Carly scrambled up onto the bow to help take down the sails.

Sailing made her feel uncharacteristically competent. So did riding, for that matter. It was funny how, with Nikolas, had come a return of all these old skill sets. She found herself smiling as she fastened down the sail.

She was just finishing her work when a shadow fell across her work and she looked up to see her cousin standing over her. Carly frowned.

“What?”

“I’m just admiring your mad knot tying skills.”

“I live to impress you.”

“And I am impressed,” Lucky admitted as he crouched down next to her. He studied the knot, then cast his gaze pointedly towards the stern and murmured, “How’s Nik doing?”

Carly felt her face heat. “Why?”

Lucky turned and gave her a knowing look. She sighed.

“Fine. What do you know?”

“Stefan fell off a horse – and since he appears to be fine, I have to tell you – I really wish I could have seen that.”

“You really don’t –I’m surprised I’m not still seeing his body lying on the path every time I close my eyes.”

“You ruin my fun,” he muttered, dryly. “Is that what’s up? His Dad fell off a horse?”

“Mostly,” she was not going to get into this with him. “Look. I’m not really looking for any relationship advice.”

“Whoa,” Lucky threw up a hand. “I’m really not looking to GIVE any ‘relationship’ advice of any kind. Ever. And I would appreciate it if you would keep that in mind for the future.”

She narrowed her eyes. “Then what are you hinting around about?”

He sighed, dropped one knee to the deck, and leaned in. “Something’s off. I mean, he’s always a little off, but today, he’s really spectacularly off.”

Carly frowned and then looked back at Nikolas. He looked… fine. I mean, yes, he was a little off. He’d been a little off for days now – but she wasn’t sure what he was doing that Lucky would notice. “Off how?”

“Mostly, eye contact.”

“He’s making eye contact!” She felt a little defensive. If Lucky wanted to see problems with eye contact, he should have seen Nikolas the night before.

“With you. With Lulu.” Lucky did a so-so gesture with his hand. “Not with anyone else.”

Carly felt the back of her neck prickle, but she tried to laugh it off. “Your level of interest in him is occasionally creepy.”

“Do not make me turn the hose on you again.”

“Alright,” Carly lowered her voice, though there was pretty much no chance anyone could hear them up on the bow. “He’s had a bad couple of days. You have probably noticed how much he dislikes being imperfect.”

Her cousin shook his head. “That’s not new.”

Now she was starting to get annoyed. How was this any of Lucky’s business? “Ok, wait a minute,” she challenged. “I have one question – why are you always so on guard with him? It’s like you’re constantly expecting him to go off the rails.”

“I am,” Lucky bit out.

“Why?”

She and Lucky locked eyes a long moment, until Lucky broke and slid around to sit down beside her.

“Look. I’m interfering, and I know that, and it actually makes my skin crawl. But I have to check, because we have never talked about this.” He took a breath. “Nikolas comes on like he’s bullet proof –”

Carly laughed. “To someone whose never actually had any sort of emotional involvement with him? Maybe.”

Lucky gave her a long appraising look. “Ok. That’s what I needed to know, then.”

“What? That I’ve noticed he’s got an Achilles heel or two? Yeah. Don’t worry about that. I’m not that self-involved.”

Lucky, much to her irritation, raised his brow pointedly. She flushed.

“Look, I know we married quick, but we have been living together for two months now. I know him better than you. Trust me.”

“I figured you did.”

“So this grossly uncomfortable conversation?”

To her surprise, Lucky didn’t toss back some snarky rejoinder. Instead he gazed out at the lake for a long moment before sighing heavily. “I’ve been trying not to have this conversation with you since the day you started at Luke’s.” He glanced over at her, the line of his mouth tight. “We might be on the same page with this. It’s hard for me to really understand someone who just takes stuff in and never lets anything out.”

Carly swallowed. She knew what he was talking about – but she also knew that Lucky might not see Nikolas let things out – but it absolutely happened. “He’s not as screwed up as you think he is.”

“Yeah, you can say that,” Lucky paused to run a hand through his hair. “I don’t think I buy it.”

“So this is what you do? This is why you watch everything I do, why you’re always on shift with me, why a little missed eye-contact has you spun like this? Because you think he’s going to have some kind of volcanic eruption that will … what? Swallow the whole town whole?”

Lucky glanced away. “It’s not the town I’m worried about.”

“Then who?”

“Believe it or not? My brother.”

Carly took that in. She was reminded, inevitably, of Lucky’s complete over-reaction when she’d suggested he wasn’t looking out for Nikolas. She should give up trying to figure these two out. To the independent observer, she and Lucky probably didn’t make a ton of sense, either.

“Look,” Lucky broke the silence. “He’s happy with you. You seem pretty damn happy with him. Life is beautiful.” The edge in his voice set Carly’s teeth on edge. “But next weekend, you’re going to get to see him at a Spencer family party. You’ll get to see him with his mother. Watch that, see how crazy you think I am.”

“I don’t think you’re crazy.” Carly hated that she was being pretty honest with that statement.

“Some of the things that happened to Nik as a kid…” he shook his head. “Shouldn’t have happened. Pretty much true of all of us, right? But for some reason, I feel like it’s my responsibility to make sure none of that stuff pulls him under.”

“What, because you got the mother and the happy home life?”

Lucky looked grim. “You know, when I thought that was true? I didn’t feel this way.” He shrugged. “Probably I just never saw him clearly. I do now… It makes me uneasy.” He looked back at Carly. “It makes me less uneasy if you know what I’m talking about.”

Carly took that in. She wanted, out of habit, not to give him the answer he wanted. Still – out of everyone who had ever expressed concerns about Nikolas’s well-being to her, Lucky’s little interference had been the least obnoxious. Probably because she knew he wasn’t viewing her as the actual threat.

Well. Anymore.

“I know what you’re talking about,” she told him, finally. “But that’s all I’m going to say.”

“Great,” Lucky stood up. “We’re right on the line of looking way too conspiratorial here. C’mon.”

With that, Lucky started weaving his way back to the stern. Carly watched him a moment, then pulled herself up and followed.

Sure enough, Elizabeth immediately grinned up at both of them and prodded “Welcome back. I was about to come get you, but you looked like you were having some major summit meeting.”

“Work stuff,” Lucky lied effortlessly, to which Carly blinked in surprise. “Carly did the books for me last week because she was bored, I think it’d be a better use of our mutual time if she kept that up.”

Carly frowned at him, trying to ascertain how serious he was. And actually… It was better than the Tuesday shift. “Will I get paid more?”

“She asked, from the deck of her sailing yacht,” Lucky flopped down on the bench and threw an arm around Elizabeth’s shoulders. “We’ll work it out.”

Carly shrugged and sat down opposite him. “Still on Tuesday?”

“Whatever works for you. Thoughts from the keeper?”

Nikolas, who had just dropped anchor, seemed to be tuning into the conversation right at that moment.

“About what?”

“Less waitressing, more math. At Luke’s,” Carly summed up. Nikolas glanced over at Lucky and she felt some degree of satisfaction to note that their eyes met. They did that freaky Spencadine silent communication thing, and then Nikolas shrugged.

“I still hate it, so it’s all the same to me.”

Carly gave him a wane smile. There had been just enough lightness in his tone for her not to take that to heart. She held out her hand and Nikolas took it, allowing her to reel him into the seat beside her. Lulu immediately scrambled up onto his lap and started talking to him animatedly. Carly turned back to Lucky.

“You still want me waitressing on Thursday?”

Lucky nodded. “I can’t keep the night staffed. Too many college students – even in the summer. Too much loud music –“

“Loud isn’t the problem. It’s the questionable quality,” Carly pointed out.

“Seriously,” Elizabeth looked up from her digging around in the picnic basket. “I keep telling him – Luke’s really needs to put a good show together. It’s just one bar band after another!”

“I know!” Finally! A real topic of conversation. Carly practically hummed with the energy of someone who is being passionately agreed with. “I think HE should play.”

Elizabeth’s agreement as so overwhelming she actually smacked the wood of the bench several times for emphasis before she even spoke. “YES!” she turned to Lucky. “You should LISTEN TO HER! Since when are you shy, anyway?”

Carly nodded enthusiastically. “That is exactly what I said!”

“Oh! This is awesome! Back up!” Elizabeth was so excited she actually leapt to her feet, flitted across the boat, and gave Carly a short and completely unexpected hug. Then she twirled back around and flew over to her basket to begin putting out her spread. Carly watched after her with some degree of shock, before turning back to see her cousin smirking at her. Oh, that was just annoying.

“You’re not shy,” she challenged him. “You’re just a Spencer. You need an angle.”

“God,” Elizabeth concurred, pulling out the gingham blanket. “So true.”

Lucky raised his eyes to his brother. “Just to be clear – I blame you for this.”

Again, Carly noted that Nikolas met Lucky’s gaze, and even gave him a small smile in response.

“I’m going to find you an angle,” Carly promised, leaning back on the bench. “You obviously have too much time on your hands.”

Lucky made it clear that he took her meaning and they both let the topic drop.

Nikolas flipped the invitation card his sister had presented him with over, not for the first time. It was covered in red glitter and pictures of ladybugs. It would be a late afternoon party in the park – a barbeque followed by everyone attending a public showing of The Wizard of Oz at dusk. Costumes were encouraged.

Yeah. That was not going to be happening.

But he would be at the party. He went every year. It was the one event he was willing to attend in spite of his mother’s inevitable presence. Not just present, but hosting. She would fly around, filing people’s drinks, laughing, making small talk – and he would count the seconds until he could leave and stay entirely out of her orbit for another year.

This year, at least, he wasn’t going alone. The invitation made it very clear that Carly was expected, though he couldn’t figure out if he was relieved about that or not. There was a part of him that really didn’t want her to see what the Spencer family events were like. He didn’t want to stand with her while his grandmother worked painfully obvious hints regarding his relationship with Laura into her small talk. He didn’t want to have to do some sort of official introduction between them – though he supposed that was unnecessary, since Carly was sort of her niece.

The whole thing unsettled him, which wasn’t hard to do at that moment. All afternoon, he’d tried to let himself get distracted – first with Lulu, later when he and Carly went by the Brownstone to pick up some of their stuff. They’d had a protracted discussion about how long they were going to stay on the island, but his bargaining position was shot and she inexplicably wanted to stay at the guest cottage for a few days. He’d gone back to see his father once they returned to the island, and Carly had begged off. He and Stefan had spoken mostly about work, but then, right as he was standing to go, his father had remarked that he looked distracted and he hoped it was not on his account.

Blatant fishing. Nikolas wasn’t entirely ready to toss his father a line; he wasn’t certain he’d ever be able to on this topic.

He heard the water turn off in the bathroom, and forced himself back to the present. He leaned the invitation against a wooden box that sat on the top of his dresser, so that it stood next to his framed photograph of his sister. He had miles to go before they got to next Saturday, and he couldn’t afford to get morose. His father’s health was still in some question. There were a few pressing issues he’d have to address at work on Monday. But mostly, the review was five days away. Neither he nor Carly would be there – it was all closed door with documents that would be submitted between now and Wednesday afternoon. Alexis was their emissary. For all the importance they were placing on it, it was purely bureaucratic – it existed to let them know if there would be a next step.

And there had to be. Because letting Carly down on this front had never been an option – but there was no room for error now. No room for delay. He had to deliver on his promises – after last night, more than ever.

It was at that moment that the bathroom door opened to reveal that Carly had plans for this evening. He was momentarily awestruck by her appearance. Her hair was loose, a mass of untamed curls – he loved it when she came to bed like that, rather than trying to tie it back in a ponytail. She was dressed in an ice blue silk robe, cinched tight at her waist. The sleeves where long and trailing, and the hem fell just above mid thigh. She was absolutely irresistible, and the look on her face, the fun, sexy grin, indicated she expected no opposition.

A wave of shame hit him like a tsunami. Carly took a purposeful step towards him, playing with the sash on the robe. He cleared his throat.

“Where did that come from?”

She shrugged. “I had a lot of time to kill this week, remember?” She turned her back to him and playfully let the robe slip over her shoulders, exposing her back and the slim straps of some variety of lingerie. She tossed him a look over her shoulder. “What do you think?”

Thinking seemed like a bad idea just then. So did speaking. He took a few steps forward and rested a hand at the nape of her neck. Brushing her hair aside, he felt her draw in her breath expectantly. She was holding the robe with both hands, and he could feel a bright, explosive energy pulsing through her. He bent his head and lay a soft kiss against her skin.

She let out a humming sigh. “Do that again.”

He complied. Closed his eyes, let his hands slide along her warm skin and then over the robe, down her arms. She leaned back against him, soft and trusting.

A part of him really did want to push her away. To argue with her about how completely dangerous and stupid it was for her to be acting like this. To be so determinedly carefree and joyful when she was married to a man she couldn’t trust. It made him sick – if anyone else on the planet had done to her what he’d done, he’d want to annihilate them.

He did want to annihilate him. He just knew, on some level, that it wasn’t a workable plan. She wasn’t holding the grudge he was holding. She didn’t want him to go anywhere.

She demonstrated that by turning around, reaching her hands up to cup his face, and taking his mouth in a long, sensuous kiss. He closed his eyes, willing himself to stop thinking. It was a beat too late, however, because Carly pulled back and looked up at him with a frown.

“Where are you?” she murmured.

“Right here.”

She shook her head. “You’re obsessing.”

Well, he was really trying not to. “It’ll pass” He moved to pull her closer to him, but she slid easily out of his hands like so much shifting sand.

“When?”

“Carly.”

“I hate this, does that make a difference?” Her voice was tightening as she spoke. “I mean, I just want you to be happy. That’s it. I feel like we’ve got this whole new beginning and you’re just --”

Ruining it. Perfect. He shook his head. “I’m fine. I’m better than fine. I’m … overwhelmed. I mean, look at you…”

“Uh, thanks for that,” she was adjusting the robe, tightening the sash as she moved away from him. “But you’ve been – not bragging – way more knocked out by me than you are right now.”

Well. Yes and no. He let out a groan and sat down on the edge of the bed. “Carly…”

His voice sound desperate and needy – but not with anything she wanted from him right now. And he couldn’t seem to convincingly fake it – he could go through the motions. He was certain he’d reach a point where desire and his depthless, breathless adoration of her would take over, but Carly wasn’t willing to play that game. She threw herself down into the chair where she had, just last night, told him she loved him. The look on her face was rich in frustration.

“You are being weird,” she informed him unnecessarily. “And it’s not just me. Lucky said the same thing.”

Better and better. “Lucky always thinks I’m being weird.”

“He specifically mentioned it. He said you wouldn’t look him in the eye.”

Well, no surprise there. 90% of his communication with Lucky was non-verbal, avoiding eye contact was tantamount to not speaking to him. Which he knew. But it was hard to watch Lucky performing his role as Perfect Boyfriend to Elizabeth and not be tempted to just throw himself overboard.

Nikolas fixed his eyes on the floor. “I…” he tried to find the words, and once he started they came with disturbing ease. “I don’t think I’ve ever done anything to anyone that I regret the way I regret last night.”

“It wasn’t a big deal,” she started with strained patience, but Nikolas’s head snapped up as he cut her off.

“Yes. It was. And you should think it was. You don’t deserve to be treated that way. You don’t deserve to be talked to that way by anyone. And you sure as hell don’t deserve it from me.”

“Yeah, ok. You weren’t exactly my dream man in that moment. Is that what you want me to say?”

He shook his head. “Why do you keep pretending it didn’t happen?”

“I’m not pretending,” she very nearly laughed with shock. “Believe me. I remember everything about last night. That’s just not the part I care about.”

“How is that possible?” He brought in an unsteady breath. “I broke every promise I’ve made to you –“

“Well, no,” Carly pointed out, continuing her complete apathy on this topic. “You threatened to. But you didn’t.”

“I told you to leave. How do you not care about that?”

There was a long silence as she appraised him. It drove him crazy. He really wanted her to be angry at him and could not comprehend or figure out what to do with her complete lack of hurt feelings. And if he was really honest with himself, a part of him found that threatening. He understood – or thought he understood – how Carly saw the world. He understood her vulnerability. Knowing what he knew, this reaction did not make any sense.

Which left him sitting here, in their bedroom, feeling further away from her than he could remember.

“For the record,” she allowed, finally, “I don’t really want you to be ok with me leaving you. I want you to have big reaction to that. It’s… comforting.”

Nikolas pushed the air out of his lungs. “I guess I met your expectations on that front.”

“No. You exceeded them.” She readjusted herself in the chair, tucking her feet up under her and leaning her head on her hand. “I just… I understand what happened.”

“That makes one of us.”

Carly gazed at him a long moment, her brow knit. When she spoke, her voice was soft and coaxing. “You lost it. Briefly. Because sometimes you’re a lot more like me than anyone realizes." She gave a small and intimate smile. "I mean, I know you knew that all along, but I just figured that out. And now you want to account for why I don't care about what you said?” She shook her head. “Nikolas. It was make believe. It was just as fake as me thinking I could walk out on you. Baby -- I didn't even get as far as zipping up my bag before I came to my senses. You wouldn't have gotten off the island."

"You don't know that."

"Yes, I do,” she insisted, sitting up. “Because I would have stopped you. And you would have done exactly what you did, which," she actually grinned then, " was come right back to me."

Nikolas felt a rush of heat pass through him, followed by a prickling chill. She was right. He hadn’t been able to leave. And it was entirely because of her – He didn’t want to know how that would have turned out if she hadn’t come after him.

But she had. And she was telling him that she was going to keep coming after him, and… God, that was what he couldn’t believe was happening. Her telling him she loved him felt almost incidental next to the idea that she was actually willing to fight for him.

“I got further than you did." He attempted a joke, but he could barely get the words out. She took some pity, though and gave a slight smirk.

"That's because you didn't pack." She wrapped her arms around her middle and leaned forward, pressing her forehead to her knees. “Look,” she sighed, when she finally sat up again. “I remember my life before you. It was not that long ago. I’d have to be crazy – not to mention an incredible hypocrite – to be mad at you right now. You get that, right? I’m not the only one who gets to have emotional episodes.” Her mouth quirked. “If that’s a manly enough phrase for you.”

He gave a weak laugh. He could not seem to get his breath in this conversation. “It felt more like a meltdown. Full system failure.”

“Ok. Well – That was a meltdown. But it was about as meaningful as any of my meltdowns.”

He wanted to believe that. As vulnerable as he’d let himself be in front of her, as much as she’d seen, as completely as he’d let go of the edge in those moments, he wanted to see it as an anomaly, something they could both forget. But he didn’t believe that. And there was still something he couldn’t let go of.

“Carly,” he failed at trying to keep his internal distress out of his voice. “I always promised you that my feelings for you weren’t transitional.”

“Yeah,” she raised shoulders protectively even as she spoke with some degree of confidence. “They aren’t, are they?”

He gazed at her, feeling the guilt try to kick its way out of him. He’d felt cold and in that moment, but it hadn’t lasted. Mostly he felt like this – like he was completely subject to the strong, hungry need that had led him this far. And that feeling – of being possessed, of not even feeling the ground beneath him as he’d turned back to her last night. He’d been drawn back by a force so fundamental to his nature that it was impossible for him to conceive of ever being anything but in love with her.

His father was right, he realized. He was out of control. And he had no idea what he would turn out to be capable of. And knowing that, he probably should leave. Knowing that, he should probably run.

But he wouldn’t. And she had to know that.

“No,” he said, finally. “They’re not.”

“So why the long silence?”

He shrugged, helplessly. “I don’t want to hurt you like that again.”

For a moment she looked uncertain, he thought maybe even scared. Then she leaned back in the chair. “Well… You’re going to.”

Oh. Good.

“I mean that’s just what we’re in for. You know, we’re … in love. And we’re not the most emotionally stable people in the world. We’re probably going to hurt each other a lot.” She gave him a weak smile. “That hung me up for awhile, too. I mean, actually, that hung me up pretty badly – until last night. But when it happened, it was like I could finally see us clearly, you know?”

He didn’t, but he nodded anyway.

“And yeah, you can hurt me. More than anyone, you can hurt me. But if you do, it’ll be about something that’s hurt inside you. It won’t be casual. And you won’t be because you don’t care.”

He wouldn’t. But that other part of him, that raging, spoiled, brutal Cassadine part of him… How was he supposed to explain that to her?

“And the thing is…” She was continuing. “The way you can hurt me – I don’t care. You know? I mean, look at us. I’m FINE. You’re the one that’s messed up about this.”

He had to give her that. “I can do a lot more damage than I did last night.”

“So can I.” They both let that hang in the air between them before Carly shook herself and pushed herself out of her chair. “Look,” she paced towards the door of the bedroom, then pivoted back towards him. “I know this is perverse and gross and probably extremely unhealthy – but if every once in awhile you go kinda nuclear at the idea of us ending? I can handle that. I can more than handle that.” She drew in her breath. “Because that’s what this is like for me, too, sometimes. And I just… I can’t give you up. I don’t want to! Not because of five bad minutes, or a bad evening or a bad fight or…” She rolled her eyes towards the ceiling and exhaled. “Whatever. Because I do something stupid, or say the wrong thing, or completely miss the giant sign that says ‘do not touch’.” She bit her lip, and he could see the tremble in her hands. He watched her lean her shoulder against the doorjamb, run a hand through her hair before turning to look at him, directly in the eye. “You are, most of the time, fun and attentive and easy to be with. So if sometimes you’re also creepy and quiet and given to occasional breaks from reality… Well, then, maybe that just means this isn’t crazy. And we make sense.” Her eyes filled with tears suddenly and to her own surprise. She let out a quick gasp, and wiped at her eyes in annoyance. “God, Nikolas. I just want this so much. I want us, together, so much. Do you get that?”

He nodded. She looked fragile and alone only a few steps from him, and he couldn’t stand it any longer. He reached out his hand and murmured, “Come here.”

Her first step was hesitant, but then she smiled. That gorgeous grin, he felt his heart rise in his chest – in joy, in hope. The shadow side of himself wasn’t retreating, but he pushed it aside and managed a dim smile in return. He reached out for her as she came towards her and drew her to stand between his legs. She looked down at him, breathtakingly beautiful, her expression daring him to screw this up. He took a moment, measured his breath and let his hands slide over the silk that she’d wrapped herself in. Hands resting on her hips, he looked back up to meet her gaze.

“So. What did I do to deserve this?”

She raised her brow. “Nothing. You’ve been weird and distant all day. You have earned exactly no points. You have been spending the points you’ve accumulated so far in this relationship.”

He nodded, turning his attention determinedly back to her body. The soft folds of her robe, the subtle movements, the warmth of her under his hands. “How are my reserves?”

She waggled her head back and forth. “You still have some capital. Partly because… Well. We’ve been married for a few months now and I have never done the lingerie thing for you.”

“What’s the “lingerie thing”?”

“Wearing lingerie. That’s pretty much the whole thing.”

“You do that.”

“Not expressly for you. Sorry.”

He laughed, a sudden and unexpected reaction. She grinned back, looking encouraged. “What’s the difference?” he asked mostly to hear her answer, and to his surprise he saw a faint blush warm her cheeks.

“Intention. I guess.”

“Which is?”

“Shut up,” she murmured, so sweetly. He felt his heart’s steady beat pick up. Something in him loved that she didn’t want to say it out loud, and his arms slid around her waist and pulled her forward. She gazed down into his upturned face, then raised her hand to gently brush the hair back from his brow. “Are you coming back to me now?”

“I didn’t go anywhere.” She gave him a look. “Ok. I didn’t go far.” He let his hands travel down her thighs and skimmed the hem of the robe. “So. Do I get to see what’s under this thing?”

“I don’t know,” she narrowed her eyes, pointedly. “I’m starting to feel pretty tired.”

“It’s been a long day.”

She nodded. “All that sun."

“Hauling up and down the sails.”

“Making small talk with Elizabeth.”

“Be nice,” he murmured. She stared at him for a beat, and then, just as he went for the sash, let out a shriek and spun away from him. He had to take all of two steps to grab her around the waist and pull her back into his arms. She leaned back against him, giggling and turning her head up to look at him. He really was forgiven. There was no sign of anything – any malice or distress – she looked happy. With him.

He turned her around in one quick move and kissed her. With love, with lust – but mostly with gratitude. Maybe it didn’t matter, what he’d done, what he’d said. He just had to keep it an anomaly. And he could do that. For her, he felt like he could do anything. Carly wound her arms around his neck and when he pulled back she looked hazy and unfocused. He took advantage of the moment to lift her off her feet and spin her around so that she landed right at the edge of the bed. Advancing on her, he took her mouth again as his hands found the sash and loosened it with a quick yank on one end. He pulled it from the loops and let it fall on the floor beside them before finally pulling back to look down at her.

Carly, regaining some of her earlier swagger, caught her breath long enough solicit his opinion as she finally shrugged off the silk and let it fall to the ground.

She was wearing a bra and panty set that did, he had to admit, fit her very well. Blue and brown and probably very expensive – and, at the moment, mostly lost on him. She could have been wearing garbage bags, he really didn’t care.

“Lie down,” it was not the most gentlemanly of responses, but acceptable, as she tossed her hair back, looked like she was going to going to challenge him, and then… did exactly what he asked. Eyes fixed on his, she extended herself across the middle of the bed and stretched like a cat.

She looked beautiful and confident and absolutely certain of her power over him. And she wasn’t wrong – but something in him couldn’t see it as anything other than a challenge. He took deep breaths as he stripped out of his own clothing, and he joined her on the bed with a definite agenda. When Carly moved towards him, he gently pressed her back, and let his hand run lightly across her stomach, then along her sides and over her hip. He kissed her palm, her wrist, the inside of her elbow. Enjoyed listening to her breathing turn shallow. She tossed her head restlessly and sighed. “Nikolas. Don’t!”

“What?”

“Tease.”

“Hmm,” he murmured, brushing his lips along her shoulder before leaning in to whisper against her ear, “I thought you liked to be teased.”

She did, actually, and that was evident by the gorgeous whimper she let out as her body trembled against him. Still, she slid her hand up his arm and pinched his bicep. Hard.

“Hey!” he grabbed her wrist and pressed it down onto the mattress, next to her head. She gave him a provocative look, raising her eyebrows expectantly. He nearly bent down to kiss her again, but something stopped him. That distant, out-of-body sensation grabbed him, just for a moment. He gazed down at her like she was an apparition that had just appeared before him, like she was something he was somehow glimpsing from another time, a whole other life.

She stared up at him, then mouthed the words, “What now?”

“Nothing,” his voice sounded just as distant as he felt and he shook his head to clear it. "It’s just… Sometimes it's really hard to believe that the woman I want more than I have ever wanted anything is the woman I get to have."

Carly exhaled, then turned her head away. She nodded, then blinked several times before looking back at him. "Sometimes,” she pulled in her breath and managed a smile. “Sometimes, it's really hard to believe I'm that woman."