Chapter Twelve: A Question of Trust
It's Friday evening, and Lucky's holed up in his room, feeling self-destructive. He hasn't heard from Emily, though he did call Lila to check that she stayed home. Lila assured him she did. That only makes Lucky feel moderately better. He's still obsessing over his part in her problems. There's a knock at the door, and he looks over at it, annoyed. After a moment, the person knocks again. Lucky tosses down his book and glares at the door. Finally he gets up and walks over, opening it prepared to be completely belligerent to whomever happens to be on the other side. He's not at all prepared for it to be Emily. She looks about a thousand times better, with actual color back in her face. She smiles at him, and, in a single movement, Lucky manages to pull her out of the hall and into his arms, kissing her feverishly, pressing her against the door as it shuts. Emily clings to him, grateful that he didn't feel like punishing her for what happened. Lucky pulls back, and cups her face in his hands.
Lucky: (shakily) You scared the hell out of me yesterday.
Em: I'm sorry. (Lucky just stares into her eyes, brushing her hair back from her face with his hands. After a moment, he kisses her again, somewhat overcome by how emotional he feels seeing her looking halfway normal again. Emily holds him tightly, responding to his kiss with equal emotion. She's really struggling not to cry, truly understanding just what she succeeded in putting him through in the last few weeks. Lucky pulls back again, having trouble deciding which he wants more -- to kiss her, or to find out how she is)
Lucky: How... How do you feel?
Em: Like I can finally breath again. (She laughs nervously) How about you? (Lucky shakes his head, unable to talk. He stares over a spot on the wall. Emily reaches up and touches his cheek) Hey. (She forces him to look back at her. He's obviously in a lot of pain) I'm so sorry, Lucky. I just never thought this would happen.
Lucky: (choked up) Yeah, well... (Emily hugs him tightly, pressing against him. Lucky leans his head against hers, and attempts to calm down. They allow the silence to envelop them. Finally, Lucky pushes her back. He walks over to the window, rubbing his neck with this hand. Emily fells immediately nervous. She sinks into the wooden chair at Lucky's desk, and watches him brood. He suddenly spins around to face her.) Look. I'm really... I'm sorry about the other day. I was tense, and I took it out on you. (He leans against the window sill) I didn't actually want you to leave.
Em: You think I don't know that by now? Whenever we fight, go means stop, leave means stay.
Lucky: Pretty predictable, huh?
Em: I shouldn't have walked out. I was ticked off at you. (Lucky looks pensive, but nods slowly, staring off into space)
Lucky: I went to see my Mom. (Emily tries to read his expression, but can't quite decipher it. She and Lucky haven't talked about this for a long time.)
Em: How did it go?
Lucky: (laughs bitterly) You know, if there was just one person in my family who I could actually have a conversation with, without it getting ... (he lets his voice trail off, then shrugs) Well, there's still Lulu.
Em: And your Dad.
Lucky: Yeah. For what that's worth. (he shakes his head) I've totally betrayed him. But, hey. He's got his secrets, too, you know? I mean, look at Carly! (Lucky pushes himself off of the edge of the window, and begins to pace, getting deep into a bitter groove. He says everything as if there is something innately funny about it, while his voice shakes through the whole speech. Emily listens, concerned) And Carly -- speaking of liars. She's got enough secrets to put us all to shame. Bobbie, of course, never mentioned that she had a daughter until four years ago. (He stops, thinking) Of course, then we've got my mother, who suddenly has a son we never heard about -- But wait! There's more!
Lucky: I don't know why I'm doing it. I've been doing it so long now, it's like I can't stop. (He looks over at her, daring her to contradict him) How do I tell my Dad we've all been lying to him?
Em: I don't know.
Lucky: (in a hushed tone) It's so easy to convince yourself it's Ok. That it's not hurting anyone. But when it comes out, you realize you were kidding yourself all along. (The obvious parallel between this situation and their breakup can't be ignored. Emily flinches and looks down at the floor. Lucky's jaw tightens, and he leans back against the opposite wall again, watching Emily) It gets so that I can't even look at her anymore.
Em: She's trying to keep her family together. You know your Dad would never --
Lucky: (frustrated) WE NEVER GAVE HIM A CHANCE! We just decided for him. God, I was sixteen. At least I can use that as an excuse. This is just how my mother solves her problems. She hides it.
Em: (quietly) the sin of omission. (She looks up at him) Maybe you're right. Maybe the only way for your family to be together now is for the truth to come out.
Lucky: Yeah. What could it hurt? Either way I loose my father (his voice cracks as he says this. Emily is hit by a wave of guilt. She's been so wrapped up in everything else, that she's been completely unavailable to him. She stands up, but is unsure of how to approach him)
Em: Your Dad would never ever walk out on you, Lucky.
Lucky: Yeah? Maybe it would be better that way.
Em: (slowly) What do you mean? (Lucky looks up at her).
Lucky: Well, if you still haven't forgiven me for what happened with Carly, how can he ever forgive me for not telling him Nikolas is Stefan's son?
Em: (quietly) I never said I haven't forgiven you.
Lucky: Yeah, I noticed. (getting increasingly tense -- if that's possible at this point) In fact, you say the opposite. But I guess that's just another lie.
Lucky: What? (About five months worth of bottled emotions are about to explode in Emily's direction and she knows it. She's been here before. She only has a second to wish she hadn't mistaken Lucky's uncharacteristic calm over the past few months for emotional stability). See, I could blame it all on my family. It's in the genes. But I made my own choices. Nobody MADE me help Carly. Nobody MADE me lie to you about it.
Em: Nobody made you tell me the truth, either.
Lucky: You keep saying that. It's like my "get out of jail free" card. I forgive you Lucky -- But not really. But I'll act like I do. Maybe, as bad as not being with you was, maybe it would be less gut-wrenching that trying to act like everything is Ok, when I know you don't trust me.
Em: I do trust you!
Lucky: Is that why you're working so hard? Is that why you act like you have no one to lean on and you have to carry the whole world on your shoulders? Because you trust me so much? Let's face it, Emily. This whole relationship is hanging by a thread, and no matter how much you try to act like everything is Ok, it's not.
Em: (flatly) Don't do this to me now.
Lucky: (viciously) Do I have to make an appointment for us to breakup now?
Em: (Angrily) No! No, Lucky. Stop it! That's not what's happening. (She moves across the room towards him, furious.)
Lucky: (yelling) Well, what the point of this? You won't let me help you, you keep telling me everything's fine when it isn't... Let's face it. What we had I blew a long time ago.
Em: Wait a minute! (She raises her voice to match his.) I am NOT going to let you do this! If you want to blow up, and get self-destructive you are doing it with me, because I'm not going to let you scare me off.
Lucky: This is not a scare tactic. I just want you to be honest with me for a change.
Em: You want honesty? I'll give you honesty. Being in love with you is a leap of faith, Lucky. It's a leap I took a long time ago. And maybe I don't trust the world, maybe I don't trust the Cassadines, and I sure as hell don't trust our families, but don't tell me what I feel about you, because you don't have a clue! I know how you think -- if I didn't, we wouldn't have lasted a month! You lied to me, and I hated it. I hated that you took Carly's side over AJ's. On the other hand, when you tried to tell me how you felt, I wouldn't listen to you. You still shouldn't have kept it from me, but you did. So I had to decide whether or not I let that destroy us. And I decided it wasn't going to. (She lowers her voice, speaking from her heart) You are the only thing in my life that brings me any joy. You're the only thing I can have any faith in. So don't tell me I don't trust you.
Lucky: (forcing himself to speak at a normal volume) If you trust me, then listen to me now. You can't keep doing this. You can't keep pushing yourself and expecting me to watch while you loose your mind. I won't do it.
Em: (not expecting this to turn this way) Lucky... I --
Lucky: (actually calming down, somewhat) I love you too much to watch you do this. And don't tell me it's not about me, because that's not how we work. If we are together, then we are TOGETHER. Anything else just hurts too much.
Em: I just don't know... (Emily sinks down onto the bed, knowing what she has to do) It's so hard to talk about.
Lucky: What is?
Em: I don't know what's happening to me! I mean, I know... I can look at what's happening and know, in my gut, that it's not good for me, but I can't stop doing it. I feel like every second I'm in that house, I have to be working, because it's the only thing I have any control over. So eating, sleeping -- that's secondary. And even when I try to sleep, my brain just won't turn off. I lie there for hours and hours, and I can hear... Some nights, I can hear them fighting. Alan and Monica in their room, or Alan and Grandfather downstairs... And then other times it's just this icy silence. And I feel... Whenever I'm at home, I just feel like all I want to do is scream. Like when Jason left... I didn't even run into a tree. I just want to destroy everything, because it's like it's a weight that's pulling me down. But I can't. So I keep pushing and pushing myself. It's like I'm waiting for them to see what it's doing to me, so that they'll stop or something. (She stops and frowns) This is so childish. It's like I'm punishing them for everything. They adopted me. They promised my mother that they'd take care of me. And they didn't. They tried, but they didn't. So now I have to hurt them. (She buries her face in her hands) I just don't know what else to do about it. (Lucky stares at her in stunned silence. In a way, this confirms his worst fear -- that she was dealing with something major on her own, and not letting him in. On the other hand, it's something separate from the whole Carly mess. He sits down next to her, emotionally exhausted).
Lucky: I'm sorry.
Em: I know you well enough to know you had to do that. I just (she closes her eyes) really wish you'd find some other way to talk about your feelings sometimes.
Lucky: Most of the time, I don't know what I'm feeling until it comes out of my mouth.
Em: Well, I knew that when I fell in love with you. You act from your gut. (she laughs ironically) Actually, that has a lot to do with why I love you. (She sighs heavily) Ok.... I'm going to be really brutal now, Ok? (Lucky swallows painfully and nods) Maybe I don't trust you as much as I did before Carly. But it took a long time to build that kind of trust. And That's what we're supposed to be doing here. Building towards something. I do trust you, Lucky. And I believe in you. I know we're going to get past this. I just know that.
Lucky: Emily.... (He breathes very carefully, knowing he has to do this. Why on earth does he keep doing this?) There's something I have to tell you.
Em: Oh, no..... (She looks at him, with great anxiety) What is it this time?
Lucky: Remember how you accused me of being self-destructive?
Em: What did you do?
Lucky: This summer, I didn't care about anything, Ok? I didn't care about my family, about school, about the future -- nothing. The only reason I stuck around here was because I thought that maybe there was a chance we could still be together. (He takes another deep breath) Jason... Had this problem. He was looking for this guy, no one seemed to know what to do to find him. It didn't seem like a big deal at the time. And... Well, you know how much I hate to be bored.
Em: (the color draining from her face) Oh, God....
Lucky: It's really easy stuff to do, basically. I mean, half these idiot are so dumb, they can't even clean up a paper trail properly. And it's all.. Virtual. It's all on computer, so it doesn't even feel like I'm really doing anything.
Em: I can't believe this. Lucky, you can't. You can't work for my brother!
Lucky: I'm not breaking any laws, Em. I've been careful. And Jason doesn't tell me anything.
Em: (leaping to her feet) WHAT ... How... What? (She shakes her head violently) Lucky... Oh, I have to go. I have to... I have to think about this.
Lucky: It's over, Emily. If that's what you want, it's over.
Em: How long has this...
Lucky: It's just been the occasional favor. It's never a big deal.
Em: LUCKY! How stupid do you think I am? It's always a big deal to do a favor for Jason Morgan. (she covers her face with her hands again) Oh, I should have known. (She drops her hands and looks up at him again) Lucky, you were with me when I found out that Jason was taking over for Sonny. Remember? (Lucky nods silently. There's no way he could forget her complete terror when she put the pieces together). I told you that day... I loose everybody. I don't need you to help that process along.
Lucky: I'm not --
Em: Don't tell me you're not in any danger. You're in danger just working at this club! I'm in danger just for being his sister. (she shakes her head) You've got to give me time to digest this, Lucky. I just have to think about it. (She opens the door. Lucky doesn't get up) I'll see you... (she doesn't finish the sentence. She turns and walks out, closing the door silently behind her. Lucky immediately falls backwards onto the bed, throwing his arms over his face.
Lucky: Smooth move, Spencer. That's going to lighten her stress load.