Chapter One Hundred Eighty-Six:
Nothing More Than Feelings

Katija's Cottage

Katija stares at Laura, her mouth open. She works for words that finally present themselves.

Katija: You… You'd like to find Helena. Purposely.

Laura: I'd LIKE to open a show store in Oz. But that's not one of my options.

Katija: You've lost your mind. (Laura gives a want smile)

Laura: That's the least of my problems. (Katija shakes her head)

Katija: I cannot help you. I am an exile! (Laura stands up)

Laura: You are my only connection to the island! You are STILL the only person there I could truly trust. You loved Nikolas. I know you did. Maybe you haven't seen him in eighteen years, but… You are the only person I could go to. (She crosses to her) I know you still know what goes on there. You still have relatives…

Katija: What makes you think they still talk to me? Laura, do you understand what it cost me to help you last time?

Laura: My understanding was… Everything.

Katija: Yet you come back to me for help.

Laura: For help for my son. (Katija stares at her for a long moment)

Katija: (voice hard) What about the Count. He won't help YOU of all people? (Laura lets out a long breath, lowering her eyes)

Laura: This does not only effect Nikolas. I… (she pulls in another breath) I have another son. (she looks up at Katija) Lucky.

Katija: I know. By Luke Spencer.

Laura: Yes.

Katija: So this is not only about the prince… But the prince's brother. (Laura smiles at the phrase)

Laura: I thought you might look at it like that. Nikolas lost so much so young… I don't want that to happen to him again.

Katija: I don't understand. (She crosses her arms) Why now?

Laura: I've been asking myself that same question… (Laura turns, running a hand through her long hair, her brow knit) Alright. (She stops at the window, looking out at the countryside) When I left my home, I only knew that I had to find them… my children. I knew they were together, and that was all. But I had a lot of time to think about why… Why Nikolas would have left without a word, why he let his father and I worry… (She turns back, leaning against the glass of the window) My son… Nikolas. He has never truly been able to let go of everything that has happened between us. It's hard for him to… Trust me. And that is my doing, I take full responsibility for that. But it's enough… It's more than enough for him to deal with that simple fact… That by the time he was a few months old, both of his parents were gone. (She exhales) Something's happened. I don't know the details, but Helena… she made a not-so-subtle attempt on my son's life. She tried to kill his girlfriend, and ran him out of town to keep her safe. If he and Nikolas are together right now, then they must have one thing in mind.

Katija: Would he do that? Nikolas, would he try to stop his own grandmother, alone?

Laura: I think so. (She meets Katija's eyes) But that's not his job. It's mine. (Katija shakes her head slowly)

Katija: You can't… You can't touch her. No one can. And the Prince… He won't.

Laura: It's been many years since you've seen Nikolas.

Katija: Yes. But you said I hear about him and I do. I know what he became. My cousins say he is gentle and polite, that he is a good man.

Laura: With a terrible, evil, grandmother who is trying to control his life.

Katija: Who you are going to rid him of. (Laura smiles and pushes herself off the wall)

Laura: You know what? I want the chance to take a problem in my children's lives and solve it. Absolutely. I owe them that. But… To be frank with you? If Helena goes down, I want to be there. I deserve to be there. I can't think of anyone else who's life was stolen by her the way mine was, not without her just slitting their throats. This is my job. Not my children's, not the Count's and not my husband's.

Katija: But… You got yours back, Laura! You got everything you lost back in the end! Don't risk it.

Laura: I thought I got it all back too, Katija. But there are some things you just can't ignore. Eventually… It all comes back to you. And I'm taking control of my life. I'm taking responsibility. But in the end? That bitch picked up a young girl with her whole life ahead of her and destroyed everything. I played my part… But she is the one who poisoned me. (Laura lifts her chin, looking at Katija defiantly) And she's going to pay for it.

Katija: (Unnerved) I… I'll do what I can. It's not much.

Laura: I need to talk to someone on the island. That is all. (Katija nods quickly)

Katija: I'll… I'll make some lunch. And tell you what I know… (She looks off to the side) I should make a phone call. Perhaps I'll be able to reach someone. (Laura frowns)

Laura: Katija, I don't…

Katija: No. No. It's quite alright… I'll just be back in a moment. (Katija turns quickly and moves into the pantry, shutting the door behind her. An old rotary dial phone is mounted on the wall. She stares at it, then pulls a crumpled slip of paper out of her pocket and unsteadily dials a number. She waits a few moments, then jerks as the phone is answered. She turns her back to the door, and lowers her voice, though she speaks in Russian) I think I understand what it was you expected now. Laura Spencer is here.

The Cassadine Compound, South Terrace.

Lucky holds Emily against him, his arms around her waist, letting her weight rest against him. They are standing just inside the door, out of the sun on Lucky's borderline paranoid insistence. Both are silent. Emily is staring out at the water, feeling the gentle beat of Lucky's heart resonating through her. She feels his lips graze her temple and smiles, looking up at him.)

Em: We should go downstairs.

Lucky: He'll come and get us.

Em: No. I think we're supposed to go. (Lucky makes a face)

Lucky: There are probably rules, huh?

Em: If it's… Like a reception? I mean, not a "reception" but… (She sighs) I think that we shouldn't make him come GET us. It'll make him look… Well. He's the prince. Princes don't run around trying to track people down.

Lucky: Doesn't any part of this strike you as idiotic? I mean, the Russian Throne fell how long ago? What the hell is he prince OF? Do you think people would react like this if he went back to Russia now? (Emily gives a long suffering sigh)

Em: He's your brother, Lucky. Just go with it. (Lucky closes his eyes. Emily feels his arms tighten around her, his body stiffens. Oops…) Lucky…

Lucky: I don't want to do this. (Emily tries to turn in Lucky's arms, but it's not an easy task. She puts her hands over his)

Em: It's just like a game. You're good at those. You can play this part, Lucky. I know you can. (This is met with dead silence. Emily frowns and slides one hand up to caress the side of Lucky's face, turning her head against his chest. He's got a near death grip on her and she can't see his eyes. That's making her a little nervous) What is it?

Lucky: It's not a game.

Em: (after a moment) You just said… You just said it's not real. He's a prince, yeah… But that only means something to certain people.

Lucky: Yeah. These people.

Em: Lucky. He's not better than you.

Lucky: (tense) I know that.

Em: Then what is this about? (She drops her hand and pulls Lucky's hands from her waist, turning to look at him. He turns his head to avoid her gaze. Emily feels her heartbeat quicken) Lucky?

Lucky: You don't know what's going on.

Em: (quietly) Then tell me. (Lucky suddenly pulls Emily into the hall, away from the terrace, and back into the corner where the hall meets the doorway. He backs into the corner, and wraps his arms around her, pulling her against him, and holding her tightly. Emily, discombobulated and now bordering on afraid, slides her arms under his and grips his shoulder, burying her head against his chest.)

Lucky: (raw) I have to say this.

Em: (muffled against him) Ok.

Lucky: When you… When… (He closes his eyes, forcing the words out) When you collapse… When you… (He stops, swallowing hard.) Nothing makes me feel more helpless. I can just… see… (He stops, taking a shaky breath. Emily bites the inside of her lip hard to stop herself from apologizing. She knows he doesn't want to hear it. She's aching, though, at his words. She tightens her grip on him) I just see what I'm like without you. It's not pretty.

Em: I… (She stops, taking a breath) I won't let it happen again. (Lucky winces, then pulls back)

Lucky: Let's not make any promises we can't keep.

Em: (protesting) No! Lucky…

Lucky: This isn't about that. (He looks down into her eyes, putting a hand to her cheek) I don't want to fight.

Em: We're not fight… (Lucky leans down and kisses her, cutting off the word. Emily's body moves forward, leaning against him, as she returns the kiss. His hands move up into her hair and he draws this kiss out, stroking her lips with his. When he pulls back, Emily's expression is decidedly glazed.) Ummmm… (She frowns, blinking. Lucky gives a small smile)

Lucky: I'm glad you're back.

Em: Uh, yeah. Me too. (Lucky nods, focusing his eyes on her hair, He runs his finger through it a few times. Emily just closes her eyes in response) What happened?

Lucky: (quietly) Which time?

Em: Either…

Lucky: (dropping his hand to her shoulder) Nikolas said some stuff… (Lucky swallows again, trying to find the words) I don't know how much he meant, and how much was just… Hero stuff. You know… Say what you need to, to make sure someone doesn't do something crazy.

Em: Crazy like what?

Lucky: (carefully) The car. When you were… hit… (He exhales) I told you, I wasn't thinking straight, right? (He closes his eyes, having an extremely hard time admitting this) Nikolas pretty much had to drag me to the hospital. If he hadn't, I wouldn't have gone. Which is stupid, and crazy… I know. But… It made sense at the time. (Emily looks at him with a great deal of worry and an expression that states it makes no sense to her)

Em: You had a concussion.

Lucky: Yeah. And… I was bleeding. (Emily bites her lip, nodding. She slides one of her hands down to cover the heeling cut on his side, through his shirt)

Em: Stitches.

Lucky: Yeah. (Emily shakes her head)

Em: Why didn't you want to go?

Lucky: (hoarsely) Because I was scared. I was scared you were going to die and I didn't want to watch. (He lowers his head down onto her shoulder) I didn't care if it killed me to stay away, it was better than watching you. (Emily stares hard at the wall, fighting tears as best she can. She blinks rapidly)

Em: Oh. (Lucky lets out a shaky breath)

Lucky: Nikolas wouldn't let me leave, though. And my reasoning skills… Have been better.

Em: So you went…?

Lucky: Yeah. (He straightens up, leaning back against the wall and looking up at the ceiling.) I went, and they drugged me, and admitted me and I barely got to even see you before my parents dragged me home.

Em: (after a moment) There's more, though.

Lucky: Yeah.

Em: (gently) What?

Lucky: I just… (He swallows again) Sometimes in all of this… When you're… down… (He grimaces) God, I can't believe I'm going to say this.

Em: Just say it.

Lucky: Sometimes Nikolas is the only person I can count on. (Lucky makes a face like he's just felt something sharp shoot through him) God, how did I get here? (His voice quakes, tears springing to his eye) How did I get to rely on Nikolas more than… (Emily wraps her arms around him, throwing herself against him. She holds onto him fiercely. After a moment, Lucky lifts one arm and puts his hand on the small of her back) I hate this.

Em: You can… You can care about both of them, you know. (Lucky looks pained.)

Lucky: I've betrayed my father enough. (He pushes her back, almost roughly. Emily stumbles a bit and Lucky suddenly realizes what he's doing. He moves both hands around her, bringing his arms around her again, much more gently, and bringing her back to lay against his chest. Emily lets herself fall against him again, not feeling quite strong enough to turn away, as well as knowing that this sudden mood swing isn't about her.) I'm sorry. (Emily nods)

Em: I know.

Lucky: I just can't… Emily. I just can't. I don't know how too.

Em: Lucky. (She slides her hand up around the back of his neck, threading her fingers through the hair at the nape of his neck. Lucky closes his eyes, tears escaping) You already do. (Lucky says nothing. She feels him tense, then his body sags against the wall. His arms tighten around her and she feels his body begin to shake in silent sobs. She closes her eyes, and lifts her head, her lips grazing his ear) I love you. I love you, Lucky. (Lucky makes a small noise, coughing to cover it up. Emily kisses his cheek, softly stroking his hair) I love you so much. (She holds Lucky, letting him cry against her, until he suddenly pulls back, throwing himself against the wall. He grits his teeth in anger, looking back up at the ceiling)

Lucky: How the hell do I do this? How do I go down there and be his brother? You saw that guy this morning… He doesn't even think I'm worthy of being a brother to a God Damn Cassadine. Do you know what it would do to my Dad to see me trying?

Em: What's it going to do to you to not try? Lucky… It hurts you to hurt him. I know that sucks, but it's true, isn't it? It makes you tense, and angry and… Like you're going to explode inside. I can feel it eating you up! Because it's not natural. It's not what you want anymore. Not really. (Lucky laughs bitterly)

Lucky: Are you sure about that?

Em: Yeah. I am.

Lucky: (after a moment) He said he forgave me. That he doesn't care about whatever I did or said… (He closes his eyes again) God, why didn't he just shoot me?

Em: That would be better? Lucky… you keep saying you're beyond Forgiveness… But if NIKOLAS can find it…

Lucky: (harsh) I don't WANT his forgiveness! I don't need it, I didn't ASK for it, I don't WANT it. (He exhales, his expression melting back into confused anguish) And I don't think I forgive him.

Em: You don't have to be ready just because he is. (Lucky looks down at her, his brow knit)

Lucky: Yeah, well. He was always the mature one.

Em: Maybe he… Maybe he doesn't have… (She exhales. Oh, great, this is what she wants to do… Start measuring who wronged who more) All Nikolas ever really wanted was a family. And he's never really gotten it. So maybe that makes it easier for him. Maybe he needs to forgive you as much as you need to keep… Being angry.

Lucky: I'm not that angry. (He exhales) It's felt worse, I mean.

Em: I know you feel like he ruined your family. Like…

Lucky: He did. He showed up, everything went to hell. (Emily presses her lips together. After a moment Lucky looks down at her, his eyes showing nothing but deep sadness) You know what?

Em: What?

Lucky: If it had been me? And Mom spent her whole life with him, and just left me… (his voice gets tighter by the word. He pauses, taking a painful breath) I would have done the same thing. (Emily blinks in surprise)

Em: Lucky!

Lucky: I've been that angry. Look at the stuff I've done! To you, to myself, to my dad… I've been THAT angry!

Em: I… I know you have. (she shakes her head, shocked… not so much by the revelation, but by the fact that he admitted it)

Lucky: And I told him mom was dead. Which probably even the score a bit, you know? (Emily nods, unable to argue about that. Hell, she nearly wrote him off for that stunt herself) But he forgives me.

Em: You earned it. (She leans back against him, letting her hands run up and down his arms, gently caressing him) You made a lot of sacrifices.

Lucky: They weren't for him.

Em: Then who were they for? (Lucky doesn't answer) He's your brother, Lucky. You’re only brother, that's just a fact.

Lucky: He's not… Emily, look at this place. (Emily tips her head up to look at him) Look at the carpets, and walls and… The servants. IF there was ever a doubt? I'm not from this place. Maybe Nik and I share some blood… But we're from different worlds. I mean, Emily… Being related, having the same genes? That's only part of it. You know that better than anyone.

Em: The Quartermaines.

Lucky: Yeah. The Quartermaines. (Emily frowns, considering this)

Em: I… You know, I do love AJ. I mean, we're fighting right now… But I'm always going to love him. I'll always ache for him. The most… Extreme thing I can say, is I even left you for him. And I never thought anything would make me leave you. (Lucky flinches) But. We don't share blood, you're right. We share… Experience. He knows what's it like to be a teenaged Q. He knows how crazy things are, he understands what it's like to need to inhale things into your body so that you can cope… AJ and I have a lot in common. And when Nikolas walked into Lulu's hospital room… All you had was blood. And a lot to venom. Now you have more.

Lucky: It's not enough.

Em: It's already enough, Lucky. You can't take what's happened back. You just said… you understand why he was angry! And now you're seeing where he grew up, and what he comes from… He's not just some stranger with a chip on his shoulder anymore. That makes everything harder. (Lucky sighs, and absently wipes the tear tracks from his face with the back of his hand)

Lucky: Maybe.

Em: Maybe?

Lucky: I'm still a Spencer. He's still a Cassadine. As gulfs go, they don't come much deeper. (Emily shakes her head. God, she wishes she could just take this away from him)

Em: You're going to get through this. At the end… You can make a decision. Right now, just… (she gives a small smile) Keep moving. (Lucky laughs ironically)

Lucky: Moving. Yeah. Right. (He looks back down at her) You're amazing.

Em: (looking away) I try.

Lucky: You really think we should go downstairs? (Emily lets out a long breath and sinks back against him, laying her head on his chest and closing her eyes. She holds him tightly and, after a moment, she feels Lucky's hand come up and run down her hair)

Em: Let's give it another minute.