Chapter Two Hundred Three:
Something Lost

He's dreaming about her... Finally. Finally she's come to him. Every night since he'd seen her lying, unconscious in that pool of blood, he has hoped to close his eyes and see her. And she never came. She never appeared to comfort him. There was nothing but silence. Nothing but dark.

But she's here now, sitting with her legs tucked under her, her hair falling loose over her shoulders. She leans forward, smiling at him and it all comes flying back to him in a rush. Things he'd forgotten. Things he had tried to keep with him, but they'd faded -- already. Three weeks, they'd faded from him, refusing to let him hold on, but still refusing to let him go. Any time he tried to think of her, his mind would become a cloud... But it's all here... All clear. She's looking at him like he's unfathomable and she sits back in the chair and laughs. Her eyes are bright and playful, just like the morning on the roof.

His heart careens against his rib cage and sticks there. He can't breath. God, she is so beautiful. She is more beautiful than he remembered. He can't move, but he wants to reach out for her, wants to grab her and pull her against him, crush her body into his and never let go. The color of her hair, the way her eyes crinkled at the edges, or how her voice quaked when she was upset. He knew all these things, but he couldn't feel them anymore. Not like he was now. Say something, he wills, though he can't make the words appear. Just tell me what to do.

She's moving... Floating almost, across the room, towards him, her arms out. Her hands come to rest on his shoulder, then slide down his back and she straddles him, her long legs hugging his waist. She takes his face in her hands and lifts it to look into his eyes. She smiles again, then descends on his in a soft and aching kiss.

Warmth fills him. Floods him. His heart starts to beat again, hammering inside of him. The smell of her, the feel of her mane of hair ticking his neck, the taste of her... He feels euphoric, like he's discovered a drug he'd nearly forgotten about. He can feel the energy, the force of her, moving inside him, seeping into his blood. Everything starts to well up inside of him, making him quake. He can feel hot tears on his cheeks and knows he must be crying, sobbing even as her pulls her mouth down on his and kisses her desperately. Her kiss is strong and deep, holding him, keeping him with her. Even as her mouth moves against his, he can hear her voice, low and knowing, fill his head.

"She's winning".

I know.

"You can't forget".

Never.

The study

Lucky stares at Helena, his mind struggling to shift gears. He looks down at Josef, then drops his head. Damnit.

Helena: Josef -- would you mind giving young Spencer and I a moment alone, please? (Josef can't answer. He jerks his head as best he can, indicating that Lucky's grip is a little restrictive). I think it would be beneficial to both of us if you let go of that young man's neck. (Lucky squeezes his eyes shut. God Damnit... This day just keeps getting worse. He stands up, letting go of Josef, and backs up, rubbing the hand he just had around Josef's neck with his other hand. He looks down at his hands, concentrating on them rather than taking in the image of Josef pulling himself up off the desk and shaking his head out. Josef looks over at Helena and smirks. Helena raises an eyebrow, looking unimpressed. Josef stands up)

Josef: I'll stay close by.

Helena: Oh, do. I think it might take a few moments for Mr. Spencer to remember his manners. (Lucky says nothing. Josef crosses the room and passes Helena, who reaches out and grabs his wrist as he passes. She lifts it to inspect it and sees Emily's bit marks. She shakes her head) Sloppy, Josef. (She looks at him, then raises his wrist to her lips and kisses the bite lightly. Josef smiles and get returns the gesture.) Get out. (Josef glances back and Lucky, then exits the room. Though Lucky didn't deign to look up, he can guess what happened).

Lucky: How long have you been here?

Helena: Oh... Not as long as you think. (Lucky nods. He swallows hard)

Lucky: What did you do to her?

Helena: I assume you're talking about the young Miss Quartermaine? (Helena closes the door) You know... You amaze me. So much like your father... Here I went out of my way to warn you about the possibilities, and you still...

Lucky: (looking up) WHAT did you do to her?

Helena: I understand your attachment to her. I thought it was... Childhood infatuation at first -- dismissed it... (Lucky tenses as she speaks) But as time went on, I realized... Spencer men, their greatest weaknesses are always their women. (Helena turns away, walking across the room. She walks along the path Lucky kicked free of books, and runs her finger tips along the length of Nikolas's desk) She was a lovely girl.

Lucky: (choking) Was.

Helena: (looking back him, smiling) She was weak, you have to understand. That accident, after all. You know -- no one ever intended for YOU to be hit by that car, Lucky. Though you DID bounce right back. It was just so hard to find Emily without you right behind her -- like a shadow. (she leans against the desk) I suppose you managed to break that habit, didn't you? And LOOK what happened.

Lucky: (shaking) You malicious fucking bitch.

Helena: (like ice) You watch what you say about me. You just watch your step. You don't know where your precious Emily is. Do you?

Lucky: Aren't you trying to tell me she's dead?

Helena: I never said that word. No. (She smiles) Though Josef is certainly capable of it. He's industrious, I'll give him that much. He does what needs to be done.

Lucky: (low) What does that mean?

Helena: He saw a problem. He fixed it. His brother -- that whole family, indeed... (She leans closer) They have lost vision. Now George... Old George, who went to America and never came back... (She smiles a bit) He understood how things worked. Better than I would have liked him to. His son... Is soft. As was George, Jr. Josef saw that. He knew that was not Nikolas needed. (She looks down at her nails, examining them) When I heard that young George had drowned.... I realized that Josef was more than living up to expectations.

Lucky: Thanks for the history lesson, but I really care less about Josef and his application for psychopathic of the year. (He moves a few steps closer to her) You're here for a reason, and as much as my ego loves the idea of you coming all this way just to push my buttons -- I know you want something. Where is she? (Helena sighs)

Helena: (pensive) You know... I considered just doing away with both of you. Your parents took my son from me, I can't think of a single reason not to take their son from them.

Lucky: FINE! Then TAKE me! KILL ME, if that's all you're after, what hell is HOLDING YOU UP?

Helena: (amused) Quite the martyr. Perhaps you take after your mother more than I thought.

Lucky: (through gritted teeth) What do you want? (Helena narrows her eyes)

Helena: I am coming to cut a deal with you, Lucky. I expect to be treated with respect.

Lucky: You want my respect? Then have the guts to look me in the eye and tell me what you did with her!

Helena: But where's the fun in that? (Lucky backs away from her, shaking his head)

Lucky: You... You're incredible. I knew --

Helena: Ah, ah. Do you want me to answer your question or not? (Lucky turns and stares off into space a moment, his mind reeling. He suddenly snaps back into the moment)

Lucky: Is Nikolas with you? Do you have him too?

Helena: Wherever Nikolas is, he is there of his own free will, I assure you. (Lucky clenches his hands at his side.)

Lucky: And... Emily?

Helena: Resting peacefully. (Lucky exhales, then catches the choice of words)

Lucky: What... What are you telling me? WHAT IS THIS!

Helena: Lower your voice, please.

Lucky: WHY???? GIVE ME ONE REASON TO! (He crosses the room, standing right in front of her, towering over the woman, who raises her chin and looks up at him, her eyes shinning) You're telling me she's dead, is that it? Are you telling me you killed her? (Lucky's voice is taking on an edge of hysteria) Why? Why? (his voice cracks) You want to torture me before you slit my throat?

Helena: (softly) Oh, I want much more from you than that. (the tone of her voice stops Lucky dead. He takes a step back from her)

Lucky: Forget it.

Helena: But I have something you want.

Lucky: If you don't have Emily, then you don't have anything on me.

Helena: I have answers. (Lucky blinks)

Lucky: What?

Helena: I know what happened to her.

Lucky: So does Josef.

Helena: He won't tell you.

Lucky: HE ALREADY DID!

Helena: Then tell me. Where is she? (Lucky just stares at her. Helena reaches into the pocket of her suit and pulls out a lock of dark brown hair. Lucky pulls in his breath. Helena holds it up and smiles at him) Recognize it? (She lays it down on her hand, palm facing up) I have seen her, Lucky. I know where she is. And I can take you to her. (Lucky closes his eyes. He drops his head back and takes a shaky breath. He speaks slowly, when the words finally come out)

Lucky: Is she alive?

Helena: You will have to come with me to find out. (Lucky swallows hard)

Lucky: You know... Nikolas would never forgive you if you killed her. He likes her.

Helena: Leave Nikolas to me. (Lucky looks back at her)

Lucky: You just want me to what...? Do whatever you say and you'll spare her?

Helena: No. What I had planned for Emily is already taken care of. I'll simply let you know where she is. Let you see her again -- alive or dead -- (Lucky's heart drops hard into his stomach. He struggles to keep what little grip he has left)

Lucky: You think that's enough? You think you can just come in here and tell me that maybe she's alive and I'll do whatever you want?

Helena: I think that you'll come with me. I think you'll do exactly what I want. Yes.

Lucky: Go to hell.

Helena: You must work on that temper. (Lucky reaches out, at lightening speed and picks up a heavy iron statue off one of the bookshelves and holds it up threateningly.)

Lucky: (deadly serious) Don't push me, old woman. I could kill you right here and your precious Nikolas would THANK me. (Helena smiles)

Helena: And Josef? Could you take him on too?

Lucky: The way I feel right now, I could annihilate this entire place. (Helena doesn't blink).

Helena: But you won't.

Lucky: What makes you so sure of that?

Helena: (delighted) Because you don't know! You don't know a thing. Perhaps you could kill me. Perhaps you could kill Josef. And then -- for the rest of your life... You wouldn't know. She could be out there somewhere... Or she could be dead. But did she die before or after you struck me, Young Spencer? Imagine.... Imagine getting out of this unscathed and going on... To what? Back to your family? I know you and your father have always been so close. Would he welcome with open arms? (She notes Lucky's minuscule reaction to that statement) You wouldn't be going back to Emily... I can tell you that much. (She closes her hand over the lock of hair) Could you live like that? Never knowing what really happened to her? Never knowing if you could have saved her? Or even touched her just that one last time. (Lucky stares at her a long moment. Then his grip on the statue weakens and it drops to the floor. He closes his eyes.) Yessss.... (Helena practically purrs) Yes, I thought as much. (Lucky opens his eyes and looks at her with pure hatred mixed with defeat)

Lucky: What... (he stops, unable to make anything else come out of his mouth. Helena stands up)

Helena: You'll be coming with me, then? (Lucky takes a breath. He feels lightheaded, his whole brain just shutting down as the words come out of his mouth)

Lucky: Yes. I'll come with you.

Helena: Wonderful. (She walks towards him, looking nearly euphoric) Josef! (the door opens and Josef appears) We will leave after the storm passes. I can't have you getting ideas, Lucky. (Josef pulls something out of his pocket. Lucky catches sight of it and lets out a long breath)

Lucky: You're using hand cuffs.

Helena: I considered just drugging you -- But I think you'd prefer that, wouldn't you? I could have you administer it yourself, you'd have no choice. (Lucky looks away.) I thought perhaps this would be better. (she reaches out and takes Lucky's wrists. Lucky lets her, knowing he has no other option) You aren't much use to me unless you're fully aware of what is going on around you. (She slips the cuffs onto his wrists)

Lucky: (dryly) I should have known most of your dates start this way. (Helena looks up, surprised by the comment. She throws back her head and laughs)

Helena: My, my... You might prove more interesting than I thought.

The Rainstorm

Luke stares at his wife, rain pounding down on him, running in streams into his eyes. He wipes his eyes with the back of his hand and turns his head, shaking it like a dog caught in the rain, then turns back to her.

Luke: WHAT?

Laura: (still laughing) Oh, come on, Luke. There's something funny about this.

Luke: Yeah? You know, I think I'm missing the joke. (Laura lays back on the dirt road, her arms out like she's planning on making mud angles, still giggling in an entirely unnerving way)

Laura: What am I doing here? What the hell do I think I'm doing here?

Luke: Laura --

Laura: Did I think I was THAT strong? Did I really think I could come here and it wouldn't matter? (She starts to laugh again, moving one hand to protect her solar plexus) See? See how good I am at this? I can totally delude everyone -- even when I'm trying NOT to! (she thrashes her head back and forth, and brings turns a bit, bringing her knees up so that she looks as if she is going to slowly fold up into the fetal position. Luke scrambles forward, leaning his body over hers)

Luke: Laura! Laura, come on! Knock it off! (Laura brings a hand up to her face, choking on a laugh that is bubbling out again. Luke's eyes widen. He tries another tact) Laura.... Come on, Darlin'. Come on -- don't do this to me. I know we're having our problems -- (Laura lets out a sudden shriek of laughter, her body shaking with the force of her amusement) Laura! (Luke sits back, looking up at the heavens, and exhales) Ok! Fine, Princess. You wanna play it this way -- (He leans over again, moving his hands under her in an effort to pick her up and carry her bodily back to the house. Laura moves swiftly onto her back again, bringing her leg and pressing her foot against his chest. Luke stops, surprised, and Laura pushes him with all her might, sending him toppling over backwards into the mud. She rolls over onto all fours and crawls a few paces, then struggles up to her feet, before stumbling to the incline at the side of the road and sinking dejectedly into the grass. Luke, still lying on the ground, is trying to muster is thoughts. The sky cracks open as lightening forks across it and the thunder crashes down around them right on cue, shaking the ground beneath him.

Luke sits up like Frankenstein's monster and turns his head to look at his wife, sitting in her long skirt and saturated blouse. Her legs are apart, knees up, with her elbows resting on them. Her head is bowed, allowing her face to be obscured by that curtain of blond hair. Luke pulls himself up, thinking that he's really getting too damn old for all this, and lumbers over to her. He throws himself down on the grass beside her, and claps the hand holding her fallen shoe to his chest. He closes his eyes and just lies there, letting the rain beat down on his tired and worn out body. He says nothing. After several minutes, Laura raises her head and stares out, over the cliff on the other side of the road, and off across the water. Luke watches her)

Luke: Say something, baby. (Laura blinks her eyes heavily, like she's in a trance. She stares out at the distant outline of the island -- she can barely make it out in this weather. She foggily thinks that she might not ever been seeing it... But it looms there on the horizon in front of her, dark and foreboding. A shadow.)

Laura: She won, you know. (Luke blinks) She said she'd get us in the end, and she did.

Luke: (Sitting up) What the hell are you talking about? (Laura looks over at him, sadly)

Laura: She won. I let her win. I played everything out the only way I could think how, but she had me right from the beginning. She really did.

Luke: (shaking his head) No way. No way, Laura. We're not giving up on this -- What the hell happened to all that fire you had back at that God forsaken cottage? Come on! Our son is out there, he's waiting for us --

Laura: He's AVOIDING us! He's running away from us --

Luke: Well, he didn't do a very good job, did he? Cause weather be damned -- we're getting out there. We're finding that kid and we're bring him home!

Laura: To what? (Luke opens his mouth to answer, then stops) We still haven't decided, have we? Or have we just not said it out loud.

Luke: (hoarse) This isn't about us, Laura.

Laura: Luke, it's always been about us. If it hadn't been more about us than anything else, we never would have ended up here. You see? You see what's happened? She won. She said she would, and she did.

Luke: Stop SAYING that! (Laura looks out at the water again, the dark that might be the island)

Laura: This was my home. (She shakes her head) I was going to die here.

Luke: No.

Laura: Yes. Yes, I was. She would have made sure of it. (she cocks her head to one side, her voice very distant) She used to grab my hair. (Luke stiffens) Because that never left a mark. Or she bring her hand down across my face with heavy rings and make my nose bleed. (she swallows) That hurt. But that's not what was bad. (She keeps staring. Luke sits up. He takes a deep breath, then lowers his own head)

Luke: What was bad? (Thunder cracks again, but Laura doesn't seem to notice)

Laura: (distant) She just wore me down... She... She wore me right down. She teased me, she taunted me... She made me take baths with guards. She'd bring them in to look at me. She humiliated me and taunted me every chance she got. She took everything away from me, until I was nothing, and then... Then she'd find something else. And then... Then she had me... Marry that man. (Laura stops, pulling in a sharp breath) She would have... She would have me sent to my room and Stavros -- She -- she -- she... Her drunk son, on top of me, with his breath and his... (Laura closes her eyes, turning her face. She can smell him. Taste his tongue forcing it's way into her mouth. She thinks she's going to be sick) Oh... (She leans forward) Oh God. (Luke feels himself go into white hot rage. Never ceases... Never ends. Laura straights up, looking amazed) This... (she looks out across the ground) I thought nothing could be worse. I thought, when I left... When she took Nikolas, when she killed my mother...

Luke: Stop.

Laura: I thought that there was nothing left she could do to me than kill you... Or Lucky. (Laura's voice finally cracks, and tears spill down her face) God, what if we're too late? What if she has them?

Luke: We aren't. We can't be. (Laura shakes her head)

Laura: Sometimes you do all you can and it isn't enough! Not everyone gets rescued! You don't pull through every time!

Luke: Laura, listen to me! That isn't an option this time. Not Lucky. We owe it to that kid to find him and get him home! We owe him that much!

Laura: (low) I know what she's like, Luke, I know what she does to people.

Luke: I don't care. I don't care, Lucky isn't going to be another victim to that woman, no way.

Laura: Luke... If she's there --

Luke: If she's there we'll put a stake through her heart and put her head on a stick. This is over! OVER -- no way in hell that woman walks another day! (Laura says nothing) Laura, are you listening to me?

Laura: Sometimes people do things to you that you can't come back from. They get inside your head and rewire everything, and in the end, you don't even know who you are. You look back at your life and things you've done and you can't believe it. Can't believe it was you. (She looks at him, her eyes wide) I can see what I've done know. I see every single step. I stare at them and I wonder where else I could have done, what else I could have tried... And I remember how scared I was and how... How positive I was that I had no other choice... She won, in the end, Luke. Because I went out into the world and I created another life and then I did the same things to him that she did to me!

Luke: No...

Laura: YES! Yes -- look at him! You said that to me yourself! You wanted to know why I didn't see it... I made my son hate himself. I made him think he was worthless. All the time, insisting I loved him, telling him that I ached for him, missed him like crazy... And I DID! I loved him the whole time I was tearing him apart! What kind of monster does that make me? (Luke stares at her. He has no answer. Laura turns away from him) The worst part is... I did it twice. I asked my mother awhile back if it was worse to take a child's hope away, or to just never let them have it in the first place. She didn't say anything. (she shakes her head) But everyone is born with hope. You have to be. So I did the same thing to both of them. I hurt them both, so badly... (She looks over at him) And you. I took the hope away from you too. (Luke shifts, a rock the size of Texas pressing down on his heart. They sit in silence for several minutes, the rain still hammering down on them).

Luke: I destroyed you first. (Laura looks at him, in shock)

Laura: What?

Luke: That's what this is about, isn't it? All this. It's because I didn't save you. I let you stay here. I let it all happen to you. (Laura's eyes widen)

Laura: Luke.

Luke: Come on, Baby doll. Don't you think it was time we were honest with each other? You were trapped here on this island for two years. I was... (he laughs humorlessly) I was running for mayor. (Laura shakes her head firmly)

Laura: I have no right... I don't -- I don't blame you Luke.

Luke: Why's that? I've always blamed myself.

Laura: You would. (She closes her eyes) Maybe I have. A little. (Luke looks over at her, his eyes sad and knowing. Laura opens her eyes and takes in his look) But I never wanted to. There wasn't any logic in it... We both gave each other up for dead. I did as much as you. (Luke looks away) Maybe we've just been on borrowed time all these years, huh? I mean... Right from the beginning. (she shakes her head, her hair glued to her face by the rain) I was married. You were in the mob. But I looked at you that first time and... (she turns and gazes at him) The earth stood still. We had everything you could think of against us. God, people say love is a miracle, but we were that and more. We were an impossibility. But we still happened. Like a force of nature.

Luke: (softly) A natural disaster. (She looks up at him and sees him smiling softly at her)

Laura: (smiling through the tears) So that's it Luke... We never should have happened. We broke every rule there was. (she wipes her face, which is wet from both the rain and her tears and looks at her hand, laughing) We showed them all how it was done, didn't we? (she looks back at him, and gives him a sly smile that still stops Luke's heart, even as he feels the knifelike pain of everything that has gone wrong between them rip through his gut. He knows, looking at her, that everything she is saying is true. Everything they were and everything they are now... And he knows. He just knows that there will never be any going back.)

Luke: (tightly) We did.

Laura: No one will ever understand what we were. (Luke swallows hard) Our own little fairy tale. You've always been my Prince Charming. (Luke looks up at her. God, she is beautiful. And looking at her like this, he can see so many years in those blue eyes. So much time, so much love, so much of what he was never supposed to have. He reaches out and grasps her ankle. Laura looks at him, an amused frown on her face) What? (Luke picks up the shoe from where he dropped it and pulls her foot out)

Luke: For old time's sake, Princess. (Laura feels sharp tears spring to her eyes. She extends her leg and watches, her heart in her throat, as Luke slides the sopping wet shoe back onto her foot. He pushes the heel up over the end of her foot and then pauses. Slowly, he lowers his head and places a kiss against her ankle. God, there is not one spot on this woman's body that he doesn't know like the back of his hand. Every freckle, every scar, ever little thing that had always spelled out perfection to him. He feels the knife in his gut twist and he cracks, choking on a sob and lowering his head, pressing his face against her leg. God, this hurts. He can feel his heart tightening in his chest, twisting and pulling as her rubs his face up and down her lower leg. He turns his mouth against the flesh of her leg and kisses it again, desperate, needy. He feels Laura's hand reach down and touch the back of his head. He looks up, his eyes bloodshot, his face contorted by pain. Laura's eyes are filled with tears that are already streaming down her face.)

Laura: I'm sorry. I'm more sorry than you'll ever know. (Luke just shakes his head, unable to talk) I forgive you, Luke. Any sin you think you ever.... (she shakes her head) I was angry. I was SO angry, and I didn't know how.... I'm sorry. I'm sorry I never SAID anything. I'm sorry I didn't let myself see it! It wasn't fair. (She shakes her head, dropping her voice. Luke closes his eyes, just sobbing at this point) It wasn't fair to anyone. (Laura reaches out and takes Luke's face in her hands, forcing him to look at her. She feels the grief and hurt in his eyes rip through her like her own. She bites her lip hard, until she tastes her own blood, staring into his eyes all the while. Finally, she finds her voice and pulls herself closer to him. They look into each other's eyes with deep intensity) I forgive you. I do. (Luke's eyes fill with tears again) I forgive you for not finding me. (Luke chokes, emitting a cry like a wounded animal) And one day... (she stops, surrendering to her tears for a moment. Luke turns his face against her palm and Laura drops one hand) One day you'll forgive yourself.

Luke: (tightly) Laura -- (Laura stares at him a long moment, waiting for more words. None come. He just stares back at her. Then, in a sudden movement, he bolts forward and captures her mouth in a firm, hungry, kiss. Laura responds immediately, her kiss just as demanding and possessive. Suddenly, their hands are all over each other, neither one making any conscious decision about what is happening here. Laura tears open Luke's soaked shirt, peeling it back from his chest as they kiss passionately. She feels her husband's hands sliding under her skirt, gripping her thighs and parting her legs as she falls back against the grass. She looks up at him, her lips parted, a dazed and hungry expression on her face, after she collides with the ground. Luke hovers over her, and they freeze, suspended a moment, their hearts pounding, blood racing through their veins. The reality of their situation hovers around them, the place, the time, all that was and all that is now... Then Luke descends and kisses her, pinning her arms over her head and pressing his body against her. Laura arches closer against him, hugging her legs around him and inviting him to enter her here, make love to her and forget what it means. Damn her, damn him. Damn their mistakes, damn the pain... And damn the Cassadines.