Chapter Two Hundred Twenty:
Psychology III: Lucky

A hotel room, New York City, 2am.

He'd agreed to this why, exactly?

Lucky groans and rolls over onto his back. He's been tossing and turning for a good three hours now. It's probably a good thing that he'd forgotten how frustrating insomnia was. Indicated that it had been awhile. But who had time for luxuries like sleep disorders when you spent your days taking care of a five-year-old, helping to run a Blues Club, keeping interfamily politics in check, and trying to maintain a relationship. Oh -- and occasionally making an appearance at school. He usually fell asleep before his head hit the pillow of whatever bed he was sleeping in that night. He can't remember the last time he lay awake and ceiling-gazed all night.

When Carly had made the admittedly big-deal announcement that she was going to allow AJ to start seeing Michael again, Lucky had known that Emily was going to end up bearing most of the responsibility. Carly wasn't going to trust the Q's any further than she could throw them -- not without someone she could trust there to make sure they didn't abscond with the kid. Still -- Lucky had been surprised at where it eventually led -- Carly asking Emily to take Michael to the mansion for two weeks while she was away. He wasn't expecting Emily to decide to move back to the mansion and he wasn't expecting what she told him.

"If we're going to do this -- all this stuff we've decided we're going to do... I have to know I'm not going to freak out the moment you're gone. You know? Or... Ok, that I'm not going to be unable to talk myself down. And the only way to do that is to... Spend maybe this little bit of time apart."

They'd been closing the club, it was about three in the morning. He'd looked over the bar at her -- she was chewing nervously on a swizzle stick, her arms crossed over the logo on her Luke's T-shirt. She looked, for a second, disturbingly like a bar waitress. Which... technically, she was.

"Apart." Lucky felt like he'd just been kicked in the stomach, but oddly enough, his voice sounded neutral.

"Yeah. Not... Not cause I want to. But... Maybe I need to. Just to know."

Aw, hell. Just when he thought he was actually handling things.

She'd had a point though. She was getting better, she'd really gotten back to herself, the last few months. And she was doing just as much of a balancing act as he was -- picking up the sizable slack Nikolas's exit had left, as well as taking care of her own stuff. Things had been much easier now that she was in therapy, and readjusting. But part of readjusting had been things like her coming to work at the club, and being more involved with Lulu -- stuff that actually added up to them spending more time together, not less. Lucky hadn't had to deal with a whole lot of physical separation, and the second she mentioned it, he realized that this was not going to be easy.

They hadn't spent a whole lot of time apart since they'd both arrived Stateside. Lucky had to come home a little later -- for both practical and legal reasons -- but that had been it for time apart. At that point he'd been so addicted to her, it had felt like years.

The first morning they'd spent together after she was released from the hospital in Athens had been intense. The night before he had passed out fully clothed on the bed, suffering from complete emotional, psychological and physical fatigue. He'd waken up next to her -- she'd thrown the comforter over him and crawled under the sheets on the other side of the bed -- but she hadn't bothered to change out of her sundress. Lucky had tossed the comforter onto the floor and crawled groggily under the sheets with her. He'd intended to just cuddle up to her and pass out again, but his brain wasn't willing to cooperate.

You still have her, it marveled. Look at this! Somehow you got through all of this -- all the turmoil of the last two years -- and you still have her. Lucky's arm had tightened around her waist, and he'd buried his face in her hair. God willing, he'd have her for the rest of his life. And he was so SURE of that. He still couldn't figure out why. But there was something really right about wanting to stay with her.

Emily had stirred next to him, then stretched next to him and rolled over in his embrace. She'd blinked up at him sleepily. Her face had broken into a beautiful grin and Lucky felt his heart stop.

They'd kissed for hours -- it had felt that way, at least, pausing occasionally to gaze at each other in amazement. It felt like they'd been apart for ages. He'd made love to her with his eyes fixed on hers, golden morning light streaming into the room from the gap between the curtains. No words passed between them, like they were respecting some sort of spell that speech would dissolve. It was, in all ways, incredible. He'd held her afterwards feeling... Happy. Really, honestly, goofily happy.

He had felt like he was in a haze all day -- like he was suffering the effects of a drug that just wouldn't wear off. Once they'd actually gotten their act together and made it out of the bedroom, things had started to happen a little too quickly. Suddenly there were things to do and places he had to go. People kept talking at him, and he was finding it pretty much impossible to follow what was being said.

Twice his father had given him an odd look and said "Are you with us, Cowboy?"

No. Not even close.

Even in Nikolas's hospital room, he'd had trouble taking his eyes off her. He didn't want anything the way he wanted to kiss her. He remembered feeling like this way back when they'd first fallen in love. Aching when he couldn't see her. How anticipation could actually hurt when he had to stand at the bottom of the stairs in the Q foyer making small talk to Reginald and thinking 'what the HELL is she doing up there?'. He couldn't figure out what was wrong with him -- why he was suddenly feeling like a love-sick teenager again (the fact that maybe he WAS one was quickly disregarded). But over the next few days, there was a spooky feeling of starting over -- or at least, reclaiming something.

In all the hell of the last few months... he'd always known he loved her --needed her -- but he'd forgotten she was fun. That they had the same sense of humor. They could talk about nothing, and still find each other fascinating. It had been AGES since they had just hung out. They held hands again. Kissed in public. Lucky remembered how much he enjoyed the art of making Emily laugh.

And GOD the timing was perfect. He needed something to be easy, because nothing else was. Lucky might have come to some sort of intellectual decision about Luke and Nikolas, but that wasn't making the practice of being Son of Spencer and Brother of Cassadine any easier. Point of fact... it was a logistical nightmare. One Lucky escaped from whenever he got the chance. He'd known it wasn't going to be easy... but that hadn't really prepared him for the experience of spending six weeks living out of a hotel room, waiting for his mother to wake up from a coma.

The first few days, were probably the easiest for him and his Dad. Conversation was strained, but there was a quiet peace in the air between them. Something was understood, finally. There was some mutual forgiveness beginning to be absorbed. If they'd been in another other place in the world -- going through any other kind of disaster, maybe it would have proceeded naturally from there. Maybe it would have been easier for Lucky to just start being a full-blown Spencer again.

Or maybe nothing was ever easy where Spencer/Cassadines were concerned.

Initially, Luke had seemed to understand that Lucky needed to take things slowly. Had respected that. But on some gut level, he wanted Lucky to be FIXED. The more time that went by, the harder it was for Luke to keep his frustrations to himself. Lucky could feel the impatience radiating off him sometimes. And whenever that happened, he'd need to get as far away from the man as possible. It wasn't something he was proud of -- but he wasn't really able to control it either. It was in the middle of this that Lucky made something of a fatal discovery. He figured out how to talk to his brother.

Nikolas was a runner. Had been, it seemed, most of his life. When the going got tough, he... well, you know the cliche. At the hospital, Nikolas was getting to Lucky about as badly as he ever had. The Prince thing went over BIG there, and Lucky was definitely suffering from an acute case of Peasant-itis. It didn't help that Nikolas was doing that calm 'I am in control of all I see' thing. GOD he hated that. Like ANYONE could be in control of a coma.

It was a big act, of course. Nikolas, Lucky had come to understand a few times over, was really good at the acting thing. Son of Stefan... He could see it. He could be pretty damn unreadable when he wanted to be. Maybe his brand of manipulation was more benign, but let there be no doubt -- Nik was a Cassadine to the core.

And... For some reason... and now that he'd said it out loud, it was hard to push out of his consciousness... He still wanted him in his life. He just wasn't exactly sure HOW that would work.

The key, it turned out, was running. Something Lucky hadn't really dealt with outside of track and field in gym class. He COULD run, he just preferred it to be ABOUT something. Chasing a ball -- that was good enough. Avoiding mobsters, also a noble pursuit. Jogging?

Please.

He'd ONLY agreed because, when Nikolas had asked, he'd looked like he was about to take the head off something. Nikolas angry was always hard for Lucky to walk away from. His inner brat just responded to it. Maybe he'd been looking for a fight, who knows -- he'd agreed to give it a shot.

He hadn't realized how much energy he had burning away at him until they'd gotten out there. How much he just needed to get AWAY from everything -- the hospital, his father, his mother's blank stare. All of it. Surprise, surprise. Running was actually a good idea.

It had a hidden side effect, though. After their third or fourth time out, Nikolas the Implacable exploded with a sound-bite of rage.

"Do you think it would kill them to say, just once, 'She's still in there'? Or 'We have to keep a positive outlook'? Maybe just a 'Talk to her, she can hear you.'" Nikolas had spat out after a particularly long run. "I don't even care if it's the truth, I just want to hear something that isn't about brain wave functions and spinal reconstruction."

Lucky had straightened up from his stretching and looked at him for a long moment. He'd been ready to break something over that for days. Finally, he'd muttered "No kidding."

Something about the mixture of heavy discussion with the physical exertion of running made everything a little less touchy. It was hard to get too deep into any argument when you were working so hard at breathing. If they had something to hash out, they did it then. More often than not, they came to the disturbing conclusion that... they agreed. He hadn't meant for it to happen, but it had. Somehow, he'd ended up feeling more comfortable and able to talk to Nikolas than his father. And Luke knew it -- he could tell. Lucky didn't know how to fix it. He felt awful... but underneath that, he was pretty pissed off. Luke had promised he wasn't going to get in the way of Lucky having a relationship with his brother. That he could handle it. Lucky needed him to prove that was more than talk.

It was the news about Laura that had really done things in, though. The doctors explained that the accident had left Laura similar to a severe stroke victim. The part of her brain that had handled things like speech, and motor skills on the left side of her body had been irreparably damaged. If she was ever going to talk again -- if she was even going to have a chance at physical therapy, she needed to learn how to do everything all over again. From scratch.

Lucky still couldn't clearly remember the days that followed that revelation. He knew he was at the hospital almost all the time... and he remembered nearly crushing Emily's hand as they sat in his father's suite and listened to Luke try to explain what was happening to Lulu. Lulu had taken it well -- in that she hadn't really understood what was going on. She'd been more immediately concern with how Lucky was. Lucky knew that everyone had him earmarked as "taking this badly" and he wasn't covering at all. But he couldn't talk to anyone about it. Just couldn't make any words come out. He knew he was scaring people, but he didn't know how to handle things differently.

Throughout all of this Emily had been characteristically amazing. She was freaking Gibraltar. It was incredible, looking back on it now, just how steady she'd been. Lucky knew he wasn't making that up -- that he had really felt that. He knew her too well, was too intuned to her, for her to hide anything major from him. Yeah, there were definitely times when he was pretty needy. Once he'd known what was going to happen -- once the doctors had told him Laura was going to have to be institutionalized. He'd gone through some pretty deep mourning. Devastated at the reality of his mother's condition, and what it meant to the family he'd grown up in. It was really over. No life-support, no marriage counseling, no instant miracle cure... It was gone now. And no one -- Not even Emily -- knew what that meant the way his father did. Luke was the only person who understood, but when Lucky was with him, he became the single biggest reminder that life had not always sucked quite this badly. He wanted to reach out to his father with everything in him... but he was completely paralyzed. He needed him probably more than he ever had in his life -- but if he saw him, it hurt so much he felt like he couldn't breathe. Avoiding his father started to become a matter of survival.

He still hadn't been prepared for what Luke did. Maybe it had been coming awhile. Luke had always stepped back from his role as husband-next of kin with the doctors -- and they were happy to suck up to the Prince instead. But still -- no one had expected him to tell Lucky and Nikolas to decide on her long-term care. He said everyone was talking about him about where she should go -- throwing names of expensive clinics in Switzerland, England, and Massachusetts at him. No one seemed to agree about where the best place for her was.

"You're her kids," He'd delivered the speech to the wall behind Lucky and Nikolas. "Lulu's too young, but you'll... Do what's best for her. You got the information, you decide what to do."

When the words had first came out of his father's mouth, Lucky hadn't been capable of reacting. He was too stunned. Nikolas had thanked him, said they'd talk about it and get back to him. Lucky had just stared at the floor and tried to figure out what had just happened.

Once it sunk in, Lucky had been so angry he couldn't see straight. What the hell was his father doing? He felt abandoned, thrown to the wolves. Here his Dad said he'd fight for him, and now he was just tossing the reigns of what remained of their family over to Lucky and saying "You figure it out."

"He's doing this out of love," Emily had tried to console him. Lucky had shook his head, almost mute with rage. Every muscle in his body was so tense, it felt like iron. "He can't be around Nikolas. It hurts him too much. He's still trying to keep all that in check --" She shook her head. "He's doing this for you! He trusts you to make sure the decision is going to be for the best -- for everyone. That's why he said that. If you don't feel like you can do it, tell him. He'd take it back if he knew you were this upset about it."

"I can do it."

Emily had let out a long sigh and laid her head on his shoulder. "Of course you can. You're Lucky Spencer," she took his hand in hers. "Faster than a speeding bullet... Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound."

"He's her husband. He's my FATHER, he should do this."

"Do you want him to?"

Lucky hadn't answered.

"I think... He trusts you more than he trusts himself. He knows you and Nikolas will work out something that he won't be able to." Emily kissed his cheek. "Don't use this to convince yourself that Luke doesn't love you. Because you're too smart to be THAT wrong about something."

It wasn't like what she was saying didn't hold water. It actually made too much sense. This was his father's way of committing to his promise -- to accept Nikolas as a part of Lucky's life. Trying to show what he couldn't get across with words. Maybe he couldn't hide his jealousy, but he was still serious. Maybe this was all he could do. But the same part of Lucky that wanted his father's comfort over what was happening to Laura wanted his father to make this decision. He still felt like his father was letting go.

"I need you to clear something up for me." Nikolas had panted in the middle of his and Lucky's next run.

Huh. Conversation. Lucky had thought they were going to do at least a few days of silence before they tackled this one.

"Shoot."

They had slowed their run to a jog. "I want her to be in New York."

Lucky breathing was still hard. "New York?"

"Or Pennsylvania. Or someplace that's near Port Charles. I can't see putting her in an institution halfway around the world. Hiding her away like that. I mean... Just because she can't communicate with us right now doesn't suddenly make her any less who she is." He'd stopped, shaking his head. "They haven't said anything about lost memories or diminished intelligence. As far as we know, our mother's still in there some place. And it makes me feel physically ill every time one of those doctors tells me I should put her in some remote foreign clinic, like I'm boarding a horse or something."

Well, hallelujah. Lucky knew there was some reason he was associating with this guy. He indicated with his head that they should keep moving, and they'd started walking down the street again.

"What do you want me to clear up?"

"Do I have a point? Is being near her family more important than the quality of the clinic, or am I just being a Spoiled Brat Prince who doesn't want his mother taken away again?"

Sometimes Nikolas got frighteningly easy to like.

"You're a Spoiled Brat Prince who doesn't want his mother taken away," Lucky sighed. "But you're also probably right."

"She should be near her family."

"That's what she wants." Lucky had looked over at him. "Guarantee it."

"I thought so. I think it's important for Lulu to be able to see her too. I don't know -- I just think things like that are going to make a big difference to HER. She's just a little girl, you can't put her mother an Ocean away from her."

This time it was Lucky who stopped, forcing Nikolas to turn back.

"Nik."

"Yeah?"

"You got more money than God, right?"

A small smile. "Well. He might have some offshore holding accounts I don't know about."

Lucky gave his brother a level look. "We'll build the clinic if we have to."

Luke had taken Lulu home to try and get her settled in Port Charles again, and Lucky and Nikolas stayed behind to handle Laura's transfer. It made sense. Alexis was already back in PC trying to work on Lucky's case (negotiating his surrender, she was saying), and Lucky was going to have to go home via Florida, so that he wouldn't be proved to have broken any international laws in the meantime. Emily had been taking care of Lulu almost single-handedly during daylight hours, and it just seemed like the best thing for her to go with Lu and help Luke. Lulu was pretty attached to her, and it seemed important for her to have women around her right now, when things were so bad with her mother.

He'd hated letting her go. It had felt, in all possible ways, wrong. He tried to convince himself that it was just basic selfishness -- he needed her. He wanted her close. He was going to kill Nikolas without her, he was going to hate sleeping alone, he'd totally lose his grip once she was gone.

Ok -- he had hated sleeping alone. And he'd missed her. But... He'd functioned. It took two weeks to organize thing for Laura's transfer -- and maybe he'd had more fun in his life -- but nothing terrible happened. He talked to Emily almost daily on the phone. And even though everything was really tolerable -- even Ok -- on his side, he'd still hang up feeling queasy. He didn't really want to look too closely at why that was.

The second he laid eyes on her on American soil, he knew what was wrong with him. He'd been terrified -- not that he'd wanted to think about it at all -- that she'd leave and something would happen to her.

And something, obviously, had.

She'd been standing against the wall of the PCPD squad room when Lucky had finally been let out of interrogation. She was looking tired and washed out -- dark circles under her eyes, pale and unsteady. It was all too familiar. It was all the stuff that had vanished while they'd been in Athens. She'd looked like she'd been through a war.

She'd nearly fallen into his arms when he offered them, and Lucky had hugged her tight enough to crack her bones. Damn. Damn, he berated himself. He'd thought this was over. He'd NEEDED it to be over. He must have missed something -- something that was going on inside her while they were living together in that hotel. Somehow, he'd failed to protect her from something. Again.

Emily hadn't given Lucky a lot of opportunity to question her. She'd grabbed his hand and pulled him out of the police station. He'd followed her, without question, and she gave him no hint of where they were going. When they came through the doors into the mild Port Charles night, a limo was waiting for them right in front of the building.

Lucky shook his head. "Subtle."

Emily had given a weak smile that didn't spread to her eyes.

"I figured you'd need a ride."

Lucky had nodded, then turned his attention to her. "Jason?"

"Who else?"

Well, that answered one question. Johnny, one of Jason's bodyguards, leapt out of the driver's seat and came around to open the doors for them.

"So how long did you last at the mansion," Lucky asked, looking at the car warily.

Emily had laughed -- but it hadn't sounded happy. "I didn't." She'd pulled Lucky into the back of the limo. "Wanna come see my new apartment?"

The door slammed after them. Lucky stared at her in the dim light of the car interior.

"Apartment."

"Jason. Again. He thought I needed space."

"And no one mentioned anything about this to me because...."

"Lucky," Emily's voice had been so soft and gentle he'd felt a shiver go down his spine. It was not a bad feeling. "You had a lot of stuff to deal with."

Ok. That was valid. He'd slid across the back seat towards her, tugging on her hand to bring her closer to him. He'd gotten her first authentic grin, then, and he'd felt a bit better. There was a brief moment where they both appeared to be trying to pull the other one onto their side of the car. Lucky won, leaning back against the plush seats, with Emily resting against him. Her body had felt incredibly tense, but relaxed once his arms were around her. Lucky had pressed his lips against her hair.

"You changed to your old color."

Emily smiled, her eyes closed.

"I felt like being myself again."

"Good call." He tightened his arms around her waist. "So. New apartment, new hair... Anything else you were protecting me from?"

It had been a joke -- mostly. But it took Emily so long to answer, he knew that whatever was coming was going to be... challenging.

"I got an early acceptance to Berkeley. It came in the mail while we were in Rome."

Lucky blinked.

"Berkeley."

"Yeah," Emily sounded flat. "Whoo hoo."

Lucky's stomach was churning. He furrowed his brow, pressing his lips to the top of her head again.

"September's awhile away."

"I'm not going."

Ok. So maybe he was a terrible boyfriend, but Lucky immediately thought was 'Oh, thank God.' -- He wasn't ready to deal with that. He just couldn't see facing a decision like that right now. Not with everything else.

"How is school?"

Emily's body tensed against him.

"I dropped out."

There were a lot of things Lucky believed Emily capable of at this point. Leaving the Q's? That was almost modus operandi. Putting off Berkeley? Given circumstances, he absolutely got that one. But dropping out of school?

"Um."

"I just need a break," Emily said, too quickly, as she sat up. "That's all it is, it's been a really long month, and I think I earned a break." She pushed her hair out of her face, but kept her back to him. "I can do summer school. It's not a big deal. and I called Gillian and Leanne when I got --"

"Emily."

Her shoulders had hunched, protectively. He put a gentle hand on her back. She jumped at his touch. Damn... Damn damn damn. She let out a shaky breath, they turned and looked back at him. She was biting her lip.

"What's wrong, Em?"

Her eyes filled with tears like he'd flipped a switch. She'd shaken her head, and Lucky pulled her back against him, holding her while her own arms encircled his neck.

"I just missed you," she'd choked. "I really missed you."

Lucky had wanted that to be true. Had really tried to believe it. But even when his entire life was spiraling out of control, he couldn't ignore the obvious.

The first time her distress over a dream had waken Lucky up, he'd thought it was actually a pretty amazing nothing like that had happened before. The nightmares, he eventually came to learn, had started when Emily got home. The scene at the airport with her family had been... intense. It wasn't so much the noise, she said later, but the complete chaos. In all the time she'd been gone, they had not come up with a way to "handle" her, and the family arrived en masse at the airport and proceeded to fight like cats and dogs until Emily... found that she was forgetting to breath. Jason had gotten her out of there, and she hadn't gone back to the mansion. She just couldn't handle it.

She'd had the first dream that night, sleeping in Jason's apartment. She'd been back on the boat, helpless to stop Ari from slitting Lucky's throat right in front of her. She'd waken up with that same feeling she'd had in the airport -- like she had forgotten how to breathe.

Those dreams had gone away when Lucky had come home. She'd been able to sleep again. She'd felt safe.

And then the Josef dreams started. Those were the ones that she couldn't hide from anyone -- the ones where she woke up screaming, fighting for her life. They upset her so much sometimes that she'd get sick. Other times she'd just start to shake and not be able to stop. The worst it got, she wouldn't be able to breath. Lucky would have to coach her, bring her down from the edge of panic, before she passed out.

There were few times in Lucky's life where he honestly hadn't had any idea what to do -- and, he realized, almost all those occasions involved Emily. This qualified. Emily kept saying she'd be Ok, and night after night Lucky would end up holding her while she shivered in terror.

To make matters worse, he knew that she hated contributing to the hell that was Lucky's life. It was tearing her up, and he knew it. But he was determined -- the last few years he hadn't been able to help her. Now she needed him -- he sure as hell wasn't going to let her down.

"Just tell me... Just tell me what to do."

She'd curled up closer to him, shook her head.

"Emily. Please. Let me help you."

"You are."

Somehow, Lucky didn't see it that way.

They'd both cracked the same night. It had started out pretty simple -- Fourth of July. There was a big family outing planned -- a picnic in the park with Bobbie and Carly, and then fireworks. They were being set off on a barge on the waterfront, celebrating the completion of the ELQ waterfront project. A new era for the city, blah blah blah. It was going to be loud and crowded and populated with Quartermaines. And Lulu was itching to go.

Lucky had thought maybe a nice root canal would be more his speed. He'd been tempted to just have Nikolas take Lulu alone. Emily had been having a pretty bad week -- and she wasn't looking forward to attending one of her family's pageants. She looked tired and freaked out. But Lulu had really wanted to have BOTH her brothers with her, and... Besides, there was a big concert at the club that night and Luke needed Lucky to stay with his sister until he could get away. That wasn't the kind of thing he could toss off onto Nik's shoulder. Ah, It was a holiday. It was supposed to be a day off. Hell, Lucky had decided. Maybe it'll even be fun.

Things had been fine until the fireworks started. Lucky and Emily had run into her parents and AJ -- that had been pretty uncomfortable. They'd all taken one look at Emily and shot Lucky "What are you doing to our daughter?" looks. But that was nothing compared to what was coming.

He still didn't know how they'd gotten separated. Lulu had been hopping up and down, desperate to be able to see EVERYTHING that was going on -- Lucky had bent down, teasing her a little and helping her up onto his shoulders. There was a lot of shoving going on, and someone had nearly knocked the little girl over. Somehow in all that jostling, in trying to keep his sister from getting trampled on by idiotic teenagers, Lucky had lost track of Nikolas and Emily. When he stood up again, he couldn't see them.

He'd immediately felt panic trying to seize him. He shook his head out. No. It was fine. He'd just find her again, and it would be FINE -- The sky was exploding in light, the loud popping mimicking gunfire that echoed around them.

"Lucky, I wanna see."

"Just a sec, Lu. I gotta find Emily --"

He'd barely gotten the word out when he'd heard Nikolas call his name. The rest was a blur. The crowd had started to move, people were murmuring and turning away from the water. Lucky had pushed through the crowd, pulling Lulu into his arms, and broke through the circle that had formed -- people gawking at his girlfriend, who was crouched on the wood planks of the boardwalk, Nikolas by her side. She was hyperventilating.

Somehow Lucky passed Lulu off to Nik, and dropped down to Emily's side. He cupped his hands

"I'm here. I'm here, Ok? Just breathe."

Emily had closed her eyes, nodding. Lucky brushed her hair back from her face.

"It's Ok," Lucky had no idea what else to say, "It's Ok."

"The noise," Emily choked. "And all the people, and I couldn't... I couldn't find you --"

"I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere." Lucky had looked up and seen his brother and sister standing away, Nikolas marking the edge of the circle. Lulu's eyes were huge. Emily's body was still heaving with the effort of breath. Lucky felt completely lost.

Bobbie must have been close by, because the next thing he knew, she was beside him, and asking him what had happened. She reached out for Emily, who immediately slapped her hands away, shaking her head. Lucky had looked over at his aunt.

"It's Ok. It's not medical."

"Doesn't look like that makes it Ok, Lucky."

Emily had let out a squeak, and Lucky pulled her closer to him, giving Bobbie a desperate look. "Can we just get her away from these people? Before her family shows up and things get really hairy."

Bobbie had helped Lucky part the crowd, Lucky carrying Emily away from the people. They'd sat her down on the stairs, sheltered from most of the crowd. His aunt had started asking questions, and Emily had submitted to a brief examination.

"This been happening a lot, Emily?"

She hadn't answered. Had just looked at him like she had lived a thousand years and Bobbie was trying to sell her longevity tonic.

"Do your parents know?"

Still no answer. Bobbie had given Lucky a stern look. He met her gaze unflinchingly and asked her if he could just take Emily for a walk. He'd talk to her about it later, but right now, Emily needed some space. Bobbie had agreed, and added that she wasn't going to be able to stop Alan and Monica from finding out what had happened, but she'd try to head them off at the pass. Lucky had nodded, helping Emily to her feet.

"Just... Tell my brother to meet me at the car after this is over."

They'd gone up onto the street above, and walked in silence for a little while. Lucky had given a small laugh when they passed a vendor. "Hey. Sno-Cones."

Emily had burst into tears immediately, leaning into him and burying her face against his chest. The vendor had stared at them with his mouth open, and Lucky had led her around the side of a building. It the darkness of the alleyway, Lucky held her, let her cry.

"We'll get through this," he'd told her finally. "We will."

"I'm so scared I'm going to lose you," Emily gasped. Lucky had been so stunned by what she said, he'd pulled back, tipping her face up to his.

"You're not going to lose me."

Emily shook her head, in protest. "I'm making things so hard --"

"No, LISTEN to me. I'm not going anywhere. The slightest glimmer of the thought hadn't even started to germinate in my head. Get it? Not being with you isn't a possibility. It's not even an option."

"I know," Emily's voice had cracked, and she'd leaned back into him. "I know."

They'd walked back to the car hand-in-hand. Emily's eyes stayed fixed on the ground, like she couldn't stand to look up at the world around her. Nikolas had been waiting for them with Lulu when they got there. Apparently Lu had decided she didn't LIKE fireworks, and Nikolas had to get her away from the docks not that long after Lucky and Emily had left. Emily did her best to convince Lulu that she was Ok, but the little girl wasn't buying.

Lucky and Nikolas came to a wordless agreement -- that kept happening, and yeah, it was pretty disturbing -- he'd take Emily home and stay with her while Lucky took Lu back to the house and set her up for bed. He'd be there until Luke came home. It was going to be a late night.

Putting Lu down that night was rough. She was finding out about the fallibility of adults -- even teenagers -- way too young. Lucky didn't want to know what this was all going to end up meaning. He tried to talk to her as frankly and honestly as he could manage whenever she asked him a question. Bobbie occasionally made noise about that, but Lucky wasn't rethinking his stance on how much Lulu should know. Sugarcoating things lead to big falls for kids. He should know.

He hadn't been able to sit still in the house after she finally fell asleep. He'd ended up on the porch, the door open so that he could hear her if she called for him, throwing some beaten up tennis ball for Foster (Foster -- Laura had asked Maxie Jones to take care of him. Which was great, all things considered. Dog death or anything close to, Lucky was NOT up for). By the time Luke pulled up, he'd been incredibly keyed up.

"Hey," Luke slammed the door

"You're relieved."

Lucky didn't look up. He pulled the spit-soaked tennis ball out of Foster's mouth and whipped it into the dark again. Luke was watching him -- he knew that. Didn't particularly care to fix it. He'd kept throwing that stupid ball -- waiting for the dog to bring it back -- then tossing it out into the dark again. Did it three or four times before he heard his father start to approach him.

"Something on your mind, Lucky?"

Lucky had stared hard at the dark.

"Cowboy?"

Lucky had shook his head. He couldn't remember when, but Luke had stopped calling him that. Tears were welling up in his eyes, and he really didn't want to go down this road. He heard the bottom stair creak as his father moved towards him. He stood up, jumped off the porch steps, and walked a few paces across the lawn. Foster was started to bound back to him.

"I have to ask you something," he spoke without turning around.

"I'm all ears."

Lucky had run his hand through his hair, aware that his hand was shaking a little. Damnit.. He shoved both hands into the pockets of his jeans, hunching his shoulders.

"Look. When... Mom... " Nothing else was going to come out. Lucky had shook his head hard. "No. I gotta go."

Luke moved smoothly to block his path.

"Talk to me, Lucky. You know I'll listen."

Lucky's hand clenched. Really.

"You haven't been doing a lot of that lately."

Luke's voice came back softly. "You haven't been doing a lot of talking."

"I don't need someone to LISTEN," Lucky spit out. "I can find people to listen."

The second he said it, he regretted it. He knew how his father would take that -- think that he meant Nikolas. And hell, maybe he sort of did. This was the kind of thing he and Nikolas could fight out on the basketball court. (Preferable to running because A -- Lucky couldn't match Nik's speed on distance and B -- Nikolas trying to figure out dribbling -- even if it hadn't taken that long, was forever carved in his memory) Anyway, he was SICK of having to watch what he said in front of Luke. He couldn't seem to stop hurting him, but he was having a hard time making it HIS problem. Luke was the one who wasn't letting go. At least, not of his hatred of Cassadines.

Lucky let his eyes close. To hell with this. He didn't know why he was even bothering with this. It had been a long time since he'd been able to go to his Dad for advice.

The words came out of his mouth anyway. "It's Emily."

Nothing. His father just stood there, waiting.

"She's..." He let out his breath. "She's..."

God, he wanted him to be psychic. Just this once -- prove the bond, Dad. Come up with it.

"This has been rough on her, huh?"

Score a point for the parent. Lucky nodded.

"She's having a hard time.... Getting over it?"

Lucky let out his breath. He opened his eyes. Foster was sitting at his feet, looking at him in consternation over the abandoned game of catch.

"She has nightmares. She's having..." Luke' hand appeared on his shoulder. Nope. Enough words. He couldn't tell him anymore, not without losing it completely.

"You wanna know if your mother went through this? After she came back from the island." Lucky managed a nod. Luke let out a long breath. He turned from his son, and paced back to the steps. "Sit down."

Lucky knew he had declined -- shook his head -- but somehow he ended up sitting on the steps of the house, his father crouched in front of him.

"This is ripping you up, huh?"

"A bit," Lucky was sitting forward, his elbows on his knees, and cradled his head in his hands. Luke hadn't said anything. After a few minutes, he'd reached out and rubbed Lucky's shoulder.

"Take it easy, Cowboy."

Lucky let out a sharp laugh. "Take it easy. Is that what you did?"

"No," Luke sat back on his haunches. "But I didn't exactly have someone to talk this out with."

Lucky sat up, running a hand through his hair. No idea how Luke had done it, but he felt twelve years old again. He didn't want to do this. Let his Dad lull him into that strange sense of safety, where everything made sense, even when it was falling apart around you. Man... the guy should have his own religion.

"Is that what we do?" Lucky looked up at him, eyes dark. "Talk things out? We haven't 'talked' since Athens."

Gooooood, Lucky. That's a great way to get him to knock of this parental crap. Start ACTING like a twelve years old.

Luke straightened up. "You wanna get into this right now, Cowboy?"

Lucky made a face. His father's voice was infuriatingly calm. Sage. Ready to deliver wit and wisdom.

"No. I wanna have some deep and meaningful conversation and then go back to being your club lackey and baby-sitter." My my. Lucky was mildly surprised at the bile coming out of his mouth. He shook his head hard. "I didn't mean that."

"Things you got to say to me, Lucky."

"Do you."

Lucky closed his eyes. Not here for this. Shouldn't be here for anything. He is FINE with this. He is fine with this. He is just fine... with... this...

"Lucky."

Luke's hand was on his shoulder again. Lucky blinked his eyes open. His father was looking down at him, looking a little freaked out. Lucky wondered mildly what he'd just done.

"This sucks," he spit out, breaking his eyes away from his father. "I mean... When you chased me down those stairs in Athens, did you really think this was something worth fighting for?"

Luke rose to his feet. He looked disturbed. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a cigar. He started to occupy himself with the ritual of prepping it for consumption.

"Yeah. I guess I did."

Lucky let out a snort. "This is exactly why I ran, you know that? This is EXACTLY what I didn't want to do with you."

"What's that?"

"This," Lucky gestured to the air between them. "This 'I forgive you, but I can't look at you' crap. I did it with Mom, I did it with Em --" Lucky nearly winced -- that was a lie. He'd THOUGHT he'd done it with Em. Deep down, he suspected he wasn't really doing it with Luke either. But either way -- he hated this. "I'm sick of it. You can't just be my father when you WANT to be, you know?"

Luke had been raising his lighter to his cigar, and stopped dead.

"Is that what you think is happening here?"

No. But he had no idea what WAS happening here, so why not go with the past.

"I know this feels wrong. And even when I was waiting for you to find out what a liar I was, nothing with us ever felt THIS wrong."

Luke lowered his hand. His eyes were shinning.

"Amen to that."

Lucky stared at the ground. Crickets chirped around them. Night sounds. "So you noticed."

Luke let out a groan, and turned full around -- as if he was looking for a response hiding somewhere in the bushes. He stopped, finally, and shook his head.

"I don't know what all this feels like to you, Lucky. I haven't been privy to what --"

"It FEELS like you just gave me UP," Lucky exploded. His voice slide a couple of notes up the scale. "THAT'S what it felt like."

Luke let out a long breath.

"I've been waiting a long time for you to say something like that to me, kid."

Lucky blinked.

"Oh, you HAVE, huh? Why? Did you have some kind of pool on it? Let's see how long it takes Lucky to crack?"

Luke spun around to face his son. "You know you're just blowing smoke now. Don't you start playing with my head, boy."

Lucky leapt off the porch. "Then stop playing with mine! Tell me what the hell is going ON here!"

"You..." Luke's voice shook -- SHOOK -- on the word. It stopped Lucky cold. Ohhhh God. "You really don't get what this is about?"

"Is this about Nik?" Lucky's voice cracked. "Is that it? You changed your mind and I have to choose after all? Fine. FINE -- It's the middle of the night, my girlfriend is going to pieces in front of me," Lucky's expression crumbled. He could feel the tears now. "FINE. I choose YOU, Ok? I choose you, I choose to have a Dad. Are you happy?"

Luke looked... horrified.

"That's not what's happening here, Lucky."

Lucky wiped his eyes with the back of his hand. He was beginning to feel lightheaded. He only had so much fight left in him.

"Yeah? Then what is it? You gave it a shot, but you really AREN'T man enough to deal with me having a brother that you didn't father?" Lucky sat down heavily on the stairs again. His hands were shaking. "Ah, hell."

"I did give you up."

Lucky bowed his head. That didn't make him feel any better.

"Why?" His voice was raw.

He heard his Dad shuffling on the walk in front of him. Heard the click of the lighter. This time it connected, because the air was suddenly rich with the smell of cigar. The stairs creaked again, as his father came to stand, one leg on the second step.

"You really know how to shake an old man up, Cowboy."

"Don't call me that if you don't mean it."

There was a long silence. Finally, he heard Luke let out a breath.

"That first day -- that day at the hospital, I had to strong arm you. You weren't giving me any other choice. But after that..." Lucky shot a quick look in his father's direction when he paused. Luke was staring hard at the end of the cigar, spinning it between is fingers. "You read me like a book, kid. There's a limit to how much I can pull over your eyes. And I knew -- I might not want to feel the way I do about that... BROTHER of yours... But I do. I don't like him, I don't trust him."

"Stop it," Lucky hissed between his teeth, not even realizing he'd thought the words.

"IT'S THE WAY I FEEL, LUCKY!" Luke turned away, took an aggravated drag off his cigar. His hands were shaking... Lucky wasn't sure he'd ever seen them do that before.

"If I could change it for you, I would. And I swear to God, I'm tryin' to get passed it -- but it's not something where I can just snap my fingers and have it fixed. I can't do that with this, and I can't do that with you. So yeah. Yeah, I've been keeping my distance. And it hurts." Lucky winced, turning away. "You know how much it hurts, don't you? You get it."

He nodded, pressing his lips together. Luke swore under his breath, and dropped down onto the porch steps.

"The more I tried to pull you close, Lucky -- the more you fought to get away. And I'm not saying you were wrong. I'm not saying that at all. I'm just saying..." He looked over at his son. Lucky had been looking straight at him, but was still caught by the directness of his gaze. They stared at each other a long time. "I'm saying you had to come back to me in your own time. When you could deal with... What I can't give you yet. That had to be your call." Luke's eyes were filled with tears. "Because that's the only way I could know I wasn't ripping you apart. I wasn't getting in the way of what you had to do. I know you and Cassadine have business to settle. And I know you can't do that with me around. So. I've been waiting. I figured, eventually... you... You'd come here and tell me you needed me. And then I'd know that..." He shakes his head. "You'd be able to help me find a way. I hate to say it, but it's true. I'm not going to work through this Nikolas thing without you. I have to figure out where I fit in with you."

"You're my Dad."

Luke nodded, fighting against the frown his mouth was trying to make.

"I know."

"You really... Hate him. You really hate Nikolas that much."

Luke shook his head. "Not about hate, Cowboy. It's just good, old fashioned jealousy. The day that kid came into our lives... "

Luke stopped. Lucky stared down at the ground a long moment, then leaned back on the stairs. His breath was still unsteady.

"I know. I used to look at him that way, too."

"I look at that boy, and my gut churns," his father let out a choking laugh. "I see you being so easy with him, and... yeah. Yeah, it's hard, Lucky. And I am trying to shake it. But 'til I do, I'm just going to keep hurting you. I'm just going to keep making you feel like hell because of what you... want."

Lucky swallowed hard.

"He's my brother, Dad. And I know... The way I got him was... Messed up. I was messed up about it for a long time. I still am." Lucky pushed the air out of his lungs and forced himself to fill them again. "He's not just a Cassadine. I don't know how to explain it, but..." He shook his head. "You just... You have to get over it. Cause... I need you. Now. Tonight. And probably tomorrow." he looked up at him, his eyes meeting his father's. "That doesn't change. You're the only Dad I got." Lucky let out his breath. "And I miss you."

Luke's eyes closed and he turned his face away. Lucky realized something then -- that he was the one with the control in this relationship. Maybe that hadn't happened before -- or maybe he'd just never noticed it. But... suddenly, after years of dreading having his father look at him differently, Lucky didn't feel insecure anymore.

"Dad."

Luke took a shaky drag off the cigar.

"Yeah?"

"You wanna hear something stupid?"

"Always."

"I don't know what you're gonna think of this... But..." Lucky looked over at Luke. "When we first got back here -- Nik was the one who took care of all that stuff that had to happen upstate. And he still lets me dictate when he sees Lu -- he doesn't have to do that." Lucky could see his father fighting to maintain his eye contact. "He's been really good about not getting in the way. About letting things come together, not pushing." Lucky took another deep breath. "And... Come on, you saw how fast the PCPD had to let me go. And when I went to PCU, then almost did back flips -- like I was going to do them a favor by taking some make-up exams." Luke was frowning. Lucky let out a short laugh. "I'm not saying I like it. Hate it, actually... More like it. I'm just saying... He does try to make things easier. Sometimes -- And I'm putting a stop to this -- He's even tried to protect me." Lucky turned away, looking down at his hands. Couldn't say this to his face. "So you do have something in common. You're looking out for the same people."

Luke didn't say anything. Lucky stood up, and hopped off the porch again. God, he couldn't stay STILL tonight. Foster was still sitting in the yard looking at him expectantly, with the tennis ball in his mouth. Lucky slapped his thigh, and the dog lumbered onto his feet, coming over and dropping the ball at his feet. Lucky picked it up and hurled it into the darkness again. Foster barked, and loped off after it.

"Look," he turned around and looked at Luke. "I love you. Let's just leave it at that right now."

Luke had gotten to his feet. "Fine with me."

They stared at each other a long moment. Lucky broke the gaze first, letting out a short laugh.

"Still feels weird --" His sentence was cut off when he felt his father's hands on his shoulders. He looked back at him just in time to be pulled into a bear hug. It took seconds for him to accept it -- lean against his father and let him hold him a minute. Luke wouldn't let go for whole minutes -- just held his son tightly, his cigar positioned so as not to cause any bodily harm.

"I love you, Cowboy. Like nothing else. Don't you start forgettin' that."

Lucky shuddered, and pulled away. He blinked tears out of his eyes.

"Uh. I was having a mental breakdown about something," Lucky ran his hand through his hair. "That hasn't gone away."

"You wanna talk about it?"

Lucky shrugged. "Talking isn't doing a lot good. You know? It isn't changing anything. With her."

Luke nodded. He was still looking a little capricious himself. He took a quick drag off the cigar.

"Nothing makes a man feel more impotent," Luke gestured with his hand. "So to speak."

"Not your best choice of words."

"Yeah, I'm outta practice." Another drag. "Seriously. How bad is it?"

Lucky felt the same sick feeling that had left his stomach for all of a minute return with a thud.

"She had... Some kind of panic attack. At the docks. Scared the hell out of Lulu. Aunt Bobbie was there, she's pretty spun about it. Her parents have probably heard. I guess the crowd... Got to her."

"That it?"

Lucky stared off into space. When he spoke, his voice sounded insubstantial. "She lost me in the crowd. She... couldn't breathe. I let her out of my sight, and --"

"All hell broke loose."

Lucky nodded. "I am so..." Lucky pulled in a breath. There was no one else on earth he could say this to right now. "I'm so scared, Dad."

"I know."

He'd let the words pour out of him. "I'm scared I'm going to do the wrong thing, or... I won't be strong enough to help her. I just don't know what to do."

"Look at me."

Lucky raised his eyes.

"You're gonna do the right thing."

Lucky blinked.

"That's it?"

Luke nodded.

"That's it. She has to work this out alone. It's gonna hurt like hell, but all you can do is be there for her. And do whatever you have to in order to keep your own sanity."

Lucky stared at him. He let out a low laugh.

"No offense, Dad... But I remember your advice being a little deeper than that."

Luke laughed out a lungfull of cigar smoke. "Always the critic."

She had worked it out. And Lucky hadn't lost his mind. He'd actually gotten to weather ANOTHER breakdown with Nikolas -- he'd feel a little more smug about this if he wasn't PAINFULLY aware that Emily and Nikolas combined, probably hadn't put him through as much as he'd put them through. He was going to have to work at this a lot longer than this to lose his rep as the Guru of Anguish.

And so. Nine months later, he'd stood there in front of his girlfriend listening to her tell him that she wanted to spend some time apart. As in -- in a place where he couldn't watch her. Protect her. Where he'd have to let her take care of herself.

"So."

"So..."

"You agree? You think we should do this?"

No, I don't think we should do this. I think I should stay here where I can keep an eye on you. I think you should stay some place where no one can see you -- let alone think about hurting you -- for the rest of your life. I think all this autonomy stuff is highly overrated.

"Yeah. I think we have to."

Lucky rolls over again, irritated with himself. He is NEVER going to get any sleep. He's going to meet these freaks tomorrow looking like he was on some kind of bender. Hey... With these types, maybe that was a good thing. Who knew? The only thing that mattered was... The worst was over. The rest was just static.