Chapter Two Hundred Twenty-Five:
Whatever Comes and Goes

"I never said that life was fair. It's just fairer than death -- that's all."
-- William Goldman, The Princess Bride.

On a whim, Hannah grips the barrier and pulls herself up onto it, swinging her legs over the edge of the roof. Nikolas takes a sudden step towards her, grabbing her. She screams, but with excitement rather than fear.

Hannah: Hey! Watch it.

Nik: You want ME to watch it?

Hannah: I'm perfectly safe. (She kicks out her legs in front of him) Ohhhhh... this feels freaky. Nothing below me for miles. (She leans back against Nikolas) I could get used to this.

Nik: Well, you're scaring the hell out of me.

Hannah: Oh, come on. You've got a vice grip on me here. Let me have some fun, I'm not going to die.

Nik: Don't even say that. (He lets go of her, and leans against the barrier, his back to the street, so that he doesn't have to see just how far off the ground she's sitting)

Hannah: Don't worry. I'm feeling omnipotent today.

Cassadine Island, the docks. Early morning.

Nikolas Cassadine stands on the end of the docks, staring out at the water in front of him. No matter how dark and clouded his memories of this place become, the physical reality always mocks him. The sun is bright, this morning. The water is that outrageous blue that outdoes the sky. It's clear and warm, and beautiful. More than that, it's the land he grew up in. He might have had some of the worst moments of his life on those waters... But he still finds this place comforting.

She'd love it here. She told him, so many times, how much she liked Greece. Again -- the beauty of the land belied the events she experienced here... she'd said once that she loved it so much she'd STILL go there, even though it had lead a mess of unfathomable proportions.

Of course, when she'd said that, she probably wasn't expecting to die.

He'd sell his soul for one minute with her. There were questions Nikolas wanted the answer to so badly, that he still ached inside for them. He had so little left of her. In the last few months, he'd come a long way towards accepting what had happened -- absolving himself of the responsibility for it. But he still missed her. There wasn't any instant cure for that. He wasn't going to logic his way into forgetting her. She was a part of him now -- his first true and honest to God love. He'd never felt that way before her. Never felt anything that intense for someone. He missed the feeling almost as much as he missed her.

Last night, he'd spent several hours in the gaming room with Lucky and Emily -- talking. Catching up on things he'd missed while he was gone. There had been laughter, and lightheartedness. There'd been fun. But under it, there was a heavy sadness that seemed to be shared by all three of them. It was hard to ignore why they were here. And eventually, the conversation had turned to Hannah, and for the first time... Nikolas had allowed himself to talk about her -- really talk about her -- with people who knew something about who she was.

Lucky had told them about meeting her -- a story Nikolas had never heard before. Emily talked a bit about what she remembered from childhood, and that lead to a series of stories about her and Lucky's time on the road looking for "Aunt Corey". Nikolas had eaten it all up -- feeling an incredible emotional fulfillment from hearing other people's stories -- like there was still things for him to know about her. Good things. Things that didn't involve mobsters. He'd enjoyed it, encouraged the conversation -- shared a very small details of his experience with her.

Then the mood had turned, as it was doomed to -- and suddenly they were talking about the last moments they'd had with her, about how little they'd guessed what was coming next. Tears started to fall, grief was shared.

The one person who didn't talk about that part of the story was Lucky. Stoically silent on the topic, even though everyone knew what his last moments with her had consisted of -- her writhing on the floor in pain and bleeding all over him. For some reason, Nikolas still wanted the details of that. Still wanted to know what it had really been like for her. For him. Sometimes he had dreams about that -- where Helena's distress as she'd choked on her own blood in front of him morphed with Hannah, and would bring him to wakefulness with his heart pounding and his head spinning.

Nikolas shakes out his head. God, he wanted this part over. It was hell -- he'd thought, the whole time he'd been facing up to being here, that he wanted to do this -- he needed to. But now that he was here, he was dreading it. It wasn't something he could put his finger on, but he didn't want to have to deal with any of it.

There is a sound behind Nikolas, and he turns to see his brother coming down the last few steps from the house. He smiles slightly. He hadn't expected to see anyone up this early. Nikolas, feeling self-conscious about being caught in his current state of mind, turns back to the water, and starts to do some Tai Chi repetitions -- that IS what he came down here for.

Nik: Your hair is walking that line between unkempt... and architecture. (Lucky pauses at the bottom step. He narrows his eyes at Nikolas a moment, then runs his hand through his hair, pushing it back and out of his face.)

Lucky: (shrugging) You have to go with what you got. What are you doing up? You can't have gotten more sleep than I did.

Nik: Did you have a rough night? (Lucky steps down onto the dock)

Lucky: Any night that is so rough that the next morning starts with me waking up on Cassadine Island -- That's a night I'm impressed I made it through. (He gives Nikolas a crooked smile) You can redeem that family name all you want -- I'm never going to like it here.

Nik: Well. We could have gone elsewhere.

Lucky: No. There'd be no point. It'd be stupid to pretend this place isn't a part of what we're here to do. (he flops down onto the dock, and looks out at the water.) I'll give you this much -- you screwed up my sleep patterns so badly the other night, the jet lag doesn't feel like a shift at all. (Nikolas lets out a long breath. He's still feeling pretty morose, but Lucky doesn't seem to be taking it in. He can't help but be irked by it. He raises his arms again.)

Nik: You can't blame me for the other night. If you weren't so damned competitive, you wouldn't have been out past eleven.

Lucky: You're just bitter because I beat you. (Nikolas abandons his repetitions altogether and turns on Lucky in irritation)

Nik: Handicapped. You beat me handicapped!

Lucky: (smirking) Watch it there, Nik. You might be having an emotional reaction.

Nik: (glowering) Four months in a Buddhist monastery. Four months of mediation, and personal exploration, of struggling to attain some kind of internal peace... I'm back with you five minutes and it's all gone to hell!

Lucky: I aim to please.

Nik: (turning back to the water) You're a brat. (He tries to start his repetitions again) You're the anti-Nirvana.

Lucky: (clearly joking) I'm not anti-Nirvana. They put out some pretty decent tunes. (Nikolas drops his arms again)

Nik: I'm terrified that I actually understand that reference.

Lucky: You're thoroughly corrupted, man. You can go to Tibet until hell freezes over, it's not going to do any good. To your soul, OR your fencing skills. (Nikolas seethes a bit inwardly. He should NEVER have introduced Lucky to fencing. What the hell was he thinking anyway?)

Nik: Not a lot of call for them in Tibet.

Lucky: Whereas in Port Charles, it's a downright marketable skill.

Nik: I can never tell whether or not you're joking when you say things like that. (Nikolas looks over at him) And enjoy the victory. It might take the edge off your crushing defeat on the basketball court. (Lucky's pleased expression falters)

Lucky: Give me a break. I hadn't played in a... few months. (Nikolas smirks slightly at the implication there. Lucky hadn't played since he'd left town. HA! Besides, as irked as he was about Lucky besting him with foils, he was equally -- if not more -- pleased to have finally beaten Lucky at Horse. He might have constantly complained that it was a stupid game while Lucky and he were putting in hours at the court last summer, but... he'd finally beat him. That felt incredibly good. Suddenly he was thinking of Horse as being a rival for the new Sport of Kings)

Nik: Maybe we should switch to something a little less physically taxing. Like checkers. (Lucky casts his gaze to the water)

Lucky: If that would make you feel better... Porthos.

Nik: (exploding) You NEVER would have beat me if I hadn't been fencing left-handed!

Lucky: (softly threatening) You keep it up, Cassadine, I'll make sure your sister finds out you can't get past the first level of Crash Bandicoot. (Nikolas falls silent. Damn. He tries to pretend his complete failure at all things Nintendo doesn't bother him -- after all, it serves what life purpose? -- but truth is, it irks him. A lot. Or it did, before he left for Tibet. And he hasn't had a chance to see if it still annoys him)

Nik: Do you WANT something? Is there a reason you came down here? (Lucky looks up at Nikolas. My -- he does look quite legitimate annoyed)

Lucky: Just spreading light and joy wherever I go. (he nods at the space next to him) Sit down.

Nik: Excuse me?

Lucky: You weren't doing Tai Chi down here, you just staring at the water -- I was watching you a good ten minutes before I came down the stairs. (Nikolas just looks at him) Come on -- Emily is pretending to be asleep, which I think is some kind of clue. It means I'm supposed to talk to you.

Nik: We've talked quiet a bit in the last forty-eight hours, Lucky. You don't have to come and baby-sit me. A lot's changed since I left Port Charles last winter -- I'm not going to jump. (Lucky just looks at him, steadily. Nikolas lets out a long breath) What do you want?

Lucky: Sit. Down. (Nikolas looks at Lucky a long moment, then relents. He knows he's being stupid. Occasionally, when Lucky is getting on his nerves, he forgets that there was a time when he would have given his right arm for an indication that Lucky wanted to have anything to do with him. He rolls his eyes anyway, and moves over to the part of the dock Lucky's sitting on, and lowers himself down onto the dock. Lucky doesn't acknowledge his acquiescence for some time, just keeps studying the water. Finally, he speaks up.)

Lucky: You know, we have some pretty clearly defined roles here, Nikolas. If you're going to start being a brat, I'm going to have to start being an arrogant control freak. (Nikolas says nothing) Yeah, Ok. So either you're pissed at me, or the whole world -- either way, demerit points to your karma.

Nik: (heavily) Why do you always get to be in a bad mood and I get demerit points for a few snarky remarks?

Lucky: Nikolas, you don't want to see my karma. It's pretty scary.

Nik: It's entirely unlike you to initiate a conversation -- that's more than cause for suspicion.

Lucky: (dryly) We've come a long way, baby. (Nikolas looks over at him, oddly)

Nik: Excuse me?

Lucky: All rules are off today, Ok? I know... This is gonna be hard. We can pick up our prescribed roles again tomorrow, I'm sure all my angst and acrimony will be waiting for me.

Nik: And still. I feel oddly disturbed. (Lucky glances over at him)

Lucky: You've seemed pretty disturbed ever since you saw Mom. (Nikolas blinks)

Nik: (after a moment) She... Surprised me.

Lucky: I told you she was getting better.

Nik: I was still surprised. She... She's pretty good with her voice. She managed to say much more than I thought she'd... (He shakes his head. His head is still getting it's grip on this one)

Lucky: You start to talk like her -- did you notice that? After a while, you start leaving out words just like she does. You get so used to it, you forget how to talk for a while. It's really strange. (Nikolas nods)

Nik: So much of what of what I was saying felt superfluous.

Lucky: Yeah... You use a word like that in front of her, she'll accuse you of showing off.

Nik: Showing off? Look -- I couldn't talk that well myself for a while there, I am NOT going to be doing anything to make this hard on her.

Lucky: Calm down, Nik. It was a joke.

Nik: I've misplaced my sense of humor.

Lucky: I noticed.

Nik: I just... (He shakes his head) No. You've never been someone who gets excited about getting into the deep and heavy conversations with me. (Lucky looks over at him. Oh, come on!)

Lucky: (a bit tense) It's been awhile since I walked away from one, too. (Nikolas's head turns to look at Lucky so quickly that his neck nearly snaps)

Nik: What's HAPPENED to you? This isn't just today -- this is ever since I got back. You're... You're far too agreeable. (Lucky lets out a long breath, then shrugs his shoulders)

Lucky: I'm... I don't know. There's nothing in my life right now that's trying to eat a hole in my gut. You know? That doesn't happen a lot, no reason to question it when it does.

Nik: Must be nice.

Lucky: It is. (there's a long long silence, as both brothers stare out at the water in front of them, neither making any move to continue the conversation. Finally Lucky says something.) I need to know something.

Nik: Ok.

Lucky: I need to know... (he stops, trying to find the right wording) That you're Ok. You seemed really solid when you first got back -- I could see that. But you've had a lot thrown at you since then --

Nik: I'm going to be fine. I'm not planning a repeat of last winter.

Lucky: Fine. (There's another pause) But the thing about leaving for me, Nik... It's not easy, you know? It's... I know it's the right thing to do -- I know it's where my life has to go now. But it's going to be hard not to know what's going on every second --

Nik: I'll keep you up to date. You know that. (Lucky looks over at him)

Lucky: I don't mean on Lulu. Ok? In the fall, things are going to get a lot different. Once Lu's home and everything. If you feel yourself slipping --

Nik: I'm not going to slip.

Lucky; I can't rely on your stubborn streak right now, Nik. Much as I'd like to. I'm not saying you're going to go off the deep end again. I'm just saying... If things get rough, I to know. Which... Means... (He cringes) Which means we're gonna half to figure out how to have a real conversation without trying to eviscerate each other.

Nik: This isn't going so badly.

Lucky: Come on. I've let at LEAST half a dozen things go in the name of peace. I can't promise I'm always gonna be this levelheaded.

Nik: In fact, I'd put my money on the opposite.

Lucky: Ok. See? I'm going to let that go. (Nikolas smiles, in spite of himself)

Nik: Are you trying to say we should stop antagonizing each other? That's what we DO, Lucky. (Lucky smirks, and looks down at the waves that are lapping against the wood of the dock.

Lucky: So you've noticed.

Nik: A bit. (he looks down at his hands) You think the phone might be the death of this. Whatever this is? That once it's just us and the words... we might have to kill each other.

Lucky: (joking) Well. We'll have distance on our side.

Nik: Lucky.

Lucky: I'm not saying I want to have any deep and meaningful relationship conversation. Ok? I'm just saying... We found a way to work. Right? (Nikolas nods) Which pretty much defies everything anyone would have said about us. (Nikolas's face clouds)

Nik: Not... everyone.

Lucky: Oh, good. Cryptic comments. This will go well.

Nik: Well, I haven't tossed you in the water YET, have I? We are actually having a conversation. (Lucky looks at Nikolas for a long moment)

Lucky: I'd like to point out -- again -- that I'm letting something slide. And you're in RARE form today.

Nik: Maybe a good START to being able to just talk would involve you not keeping SCORE of the conversation.

Lucky: (narrowing his eyes) WHO said anything different about us? And Emily doesn't count. (Nikolas looks at Lucky levelly)

Nik: No. You don't want to go here.

Lucky: Ok. Now you're about to go in the water.

Nik: Oh, I'd like to see you try.

Lucky: What are you going to do? Deflect me with your stunning Tai Chi moves? Watch out! An arm is coming for you veeerrrrrry slowly. (Nikolas shoots Lucky a look that crumbles quickly when he sees the look on his brother's face. Nikolas looks away, cracking up)

Nik: You're impossible.

Lucky: It's a skill. (Nikolas covers his face with his hands a moment, then looks up, shaking his head hard)

Nik: Ok. I give. I've been in better moods. This isn't exactly the sort of day I look forward to.

Lucky: (after a moment, quietly) No. I guess it's not.

Nik: How's Emily?

Lucky: Well. She's faking a coma -- but that's just so that I'd go out and find you.

Nik: That's not very subtle.

Lucky: No, she doesn't really deal with subtle these days. It's not something that works well with Spencers. Or Quartermaines, for that matter.

Nik: I guess she's almost old hand at this. She's lost so much for her family.

Lucky: I don't think it really gets easier.

Nik: No. I don't imagine it does. If anything, once you really come to understand what it means... It must get worse. (He exhales) I can't believe it's been a year. I cant believe it's possible for her to have been gone this long. And then... sometimes, I can't believe she existed at all.

Lucky: She did.

Nik: Lucky...

Lucky: Yeah.

Nik: Last night -- when Emily and I were talking about her on that day... And Emily told us about the song she sang to her... and I talked about saying good-bye to her on the roof... You didn't say anything.

Lucky: Well. My last memory of Hannah's a little more... dark.

Nik: I've never asked you about it.

Lucky; (Looking over at him) Until now. That's what you're doing, right?

Nik: I just... (He closes his eyes) Tell me one thing. (he opens his eyes and looks at Lucky) Was it like Helena? (Lucky draws in his breath at the question. Oh, god... he looks over at Nikolas. Yep -- he was afraid of that. He can tell by he expression that Nikolas needs to know.)

Lucky: (Finally) It wasn't as quick. (Nikolas takes his in)

Nik: Was she scared?

Lucky: Nik...

Nik: Please... Just tell me.

Lucky: She was... in pain. Getting shot in the stomach -- that's really painful. And... considering how much it must have hurt, by the time I got there... She hung on. She really tried.

Nik: Did she... say anything?

Lucky; She said it had been Helena.

Nik: Besides that, I mean.

Lucky: (taking another breath) Yeah. Yeah, she said some stuff. (Nikolas doesn't say anything, but the question is there) She said... She asked if Emily was safe. Then she asked me to take care of her. (He looks down) And you. She told me... (he frowns, then laughs slightly) She told me I had nice eyes... and then she said... (He stops.)

Nik: What?

Lucky: (looking over at him) She said that I... confused you. And she said... (He shakes his head, trying to play this off) She said you cared about what happened to me. (Nikolas sits back at that revelation. He had no idea that Hannah had shared anything like that with Lucky) That was the last thing she said. She said... I said "In spite of himself". And she said "No. In spite of everyone else." (Lucky stares off into space. When he speaks again, his voice is distant) Then she lost consciousness. A few minutes later you were at the door. (Lucky blinks his eyes, hard. He can feel a slightly tremor through his body. Yep -- it still gets to him. This death stuff -- not for the faint of heart. He shakes himself and looks over at his brother. Nikolas is starting out at the water, his expression blank) You Ok?

Nik: (after a moment) Do you remember the day I brought Emily to the club? When she nearly passed out at General Hospital. She said she didn't want to go home, so I brought her to you.

Lucky: Yeah.

Nik: That was when I found out where Hannah worked. I'd seen her around. I'd even talked to her -- but that was the night that I first found out she had a Spencer connection. (He shakes his head) She said something to me that... almost became my mantra. There was stuff -- you gotta understand... She saw right through me, form the beginning. Cassadines aren't used to that. Maybe I'm not as stoic as my father, but... I wasn't used to people calling me on my... issues. (Nikolas turns and looks directly at Lucky) She told me about her sister. Emily's mom -- though neither of us knew that was who she was, back then. She said... She said that she could tell you wanted something form me. (Lucky blinks -- almost a flinch) And she said that... all she'd ever wanted from her sister was... Understanding. Respect. (he lets out his breath) Love. Then she said... Find one, maybe you'll find the rest. (Nikolas coughs out a laugh) I was hers form that moment on. It was like she cast a spell, and suddenly... Someone who could understand something like that -- you could see anything like that in my me -- or in my life. I just wanted to be close to her. That was how it really started. (he runs a hand through his hair, quickly) I guess... after she died -- I tried to keep things with us... all business. I knew that's what you wanted. But I couldn't get those words out of my head. She was gone, but... I wanted what she'd seen to be true. And I pushed you a lot because of it. (he gives a deep sigh) That day you told me that you knew who I really was -- and I found out that you'd kept it a secret... You gained my respect. And then, the day you gave me the gun and told me what it meant to do something you can't life with... You gained my understanding. (Nikolas stares at Lucky. Nope. Even after all this time, he can't say the next part.) I told you this before -- it's almost impossible for me to give something I don't know if I'm going to get back. I can do it with money, but... with emotional stuff? I'm stopped cold. That's why... Seeing mother -- it threw me. Because I finally saw what she had to give... Which means that it's up to me to give it back now. And... That's going to take a lot of work. And with you --

Lucky: (cutting in) Are you trying to say you love me? (There's a long silence. Nikolas swallows hard)

Nik: I'm trying to say I value this. And I can take the occasional hit over phone lines. I don't want to go back to where we were, Lucky. I'm committed to... being your brother. Even if you do drive me insane. (Nikolas's words are undermined by a distinct tremble in his voice. Lucky turns and looks over at him. He looks decidedly -- shockingly -- calm. He nods, slowly)

Lucky: I don't think I understood anything you ever did -- until you took off that night to go see Helena. I might of hated it, Nik. But I always understood why you'd do it. It was something I'd have done. Maybe that's why I was so pissed off at you. (he lets out his breath) And... I don't know. Spencers aren't about... give and take, you know? We just do what we have to do, we feel what we have to feel -- we don't THINK about it. Whatever is, IS. You know?

Nik: (after a moment) It's not the Cassadine way. At all.

Lucky: And we're damn proud of that. (There's a long silence. Lucky runs a hand through his hair) Sometimes I don't know what way is up with you. You make less sense to me than a Japanese newspaper. But sometimes... I get it. When it's big... I get it. And you proved yourself this last year -- with Lu, and with Emily. With Mom, even. You came through when we needed you to. Even if you had to take a break for a while. I mean... I get that too. (Lucky looks away. After a moment, he groans) I'm not big on the Hallmark moments, Nik.

Nik: Hallmark doesn't make a card for whatever this is, I'm sure of it.

Lucky: (looking up at him) You're my family now. Ok? I'm willing to say it now. You got that, and you got everything that comes with it. Respect -- that's a given. And... That word we both hate?

Nik: yeah. (Lucky stares at him. He's not going to do this. He isn't. He just isn't.)

Lucky: For what it's worth? (Ah, hell... It's the God Damned anniversary of his girlfriend's death.) Yeah, Ok. I love you. God knows why. (there's a long silence in which Nikolas stares at Lucky like he's just grown another head)

Nik: You... Didn't...

Lucky: I really advise you not to make a big deal out of that.

Nik: I didn't mean you had to say --

Lucky: Nik? We're moving on.

Nik: Ok.

Lucky: Ok.

Nik: I love you too, you know. God knows why.

Lucky: (laughing slightly) He seems to have a pretty good sense of humor.

Nik: Ok. (there's another pause) Let us never speak of this again.

Lucky: I'm taking it to my grave. (Nikolas can't help but smile. In fact, he wants to laugh. Oh, how is that for sacrilege?)

Nik: I can't believe you're leaving me in Port Charles to deal with your father single-handed.

Lucky: I can.

Nik: It's going to be really strange without you there. (Lucky smiles slightly)

Lucky: (by rote) It's not that far. It's not that long. I'll be home all the time, Lulu. (he shakes his head, as if bringing himself back to the moment) Sorry. Wrong sibling.

Nik: You think I'm being childish.

Lucky: I think you shouldn't make too big a deal out of this.

Nik: Just... tell me your Spencer Pride isn't going to get in the way of you using the Cassadine Jet to come back whenever you need to.

Lucky: Spencer Pride is exactly the reason I will be using your stupid jet -- because I'm not letting my sister think of brothers solely as people who drag her to ballets in itchy dresses.

Nik: (turning on him) She LIKES Tchaikovsky, OK?

Lucky: What she likes is the Rat King.

Nik: You're just still ticked off that she hates fishing.

Lucky: (defensively) She doesn't HATE fishing. She likes the boat, she likes the lake, she likes putting the worm on the hook --

Nik: Right. It's just the actual fishing part she hates. (Lucky sighs and rubs the back of his neck)

Lucky: She really really does. (he shrugs) It'll grow on her. Once she catches something.

Nik: Like what? Pneumonia? (Lucky looks over at Nikolas unfazed. Fishing is something Nikolas, also, does not excel at.)

Lucky: You could probably stand to actually catch something yourself. If it doesn't interfere with your strict Yoga and Mediation schedule.

Nik: (suppressing an urge to scream) You don't get less infuriating, do you? (Lucky looks up at him, wearing a very smug smile)

Lucky: Nope. (Nikolas shoots him a look, then leans over and grips a post on the dock, using it to pull himself up.)

Nik: Do me a favor... Don't change.