Chapter Fifty-Two:
Anthropology

Hannah's apartment.

Hannah stands, uncomfortably, in the center of the apartment, unsure of what to do next. Emily looks at the coffee table intensely

Em: I remember you, you know.

Hannah: I wasn't sure how much you --

Em: I remember that your hair always fell over one eye, and that you had these long dangly earrings with hearts on the ends. And that you always seemed really unhappy to be wherever you were.

Hannah: (smiling slightly) That was Corrine.

Em: That was YOU.

Hannah; I know. But a long time ago.

Em; Well, it's all I know. This too cool teenager who never wanted to be around us.

Hannah: Emily, I was sixteen. I didn't want to be around anybody.

Em: I never thought you liked me much.

Hannah: I.. I didn't know what to do about you. I mean, you were beautiful and amazing, but.. You scared the hell out of me. You were always so serious. And you always looked at me like you had this spooky knowledge that I was doomed. Like you had my number and you knew I didn't know what I was doing.

Em: I don't remember that.

Hannah: I was probably projecting. Sixteen is kind of young to be an aunt.

Em: I'm an aunt. Hell, I'm even a Godmother.

Hannah: You are?

Em: My brother's son, Michael.

Hannah: You have a brother? (Emily doesn't answer for a moment, then looks up at her)

Em: I just remember thinking that I should find something to do to get you to like me. (She laughs bitterly) I can't believe I ever looked for you. I must have been desperate. (She looks down at the coffee table again) I guess I was.

Hannah: Uh.. (She tries to catch Emily's eye, but it's an impossibility) When did you look for me?

Em: The fall after my mother died.

Hannah: (Sinking onto the arm of the couch) I don't even know when she died.

Em: Summer. 1995.

Hannah: (quietly) I was in London. (Emily looks up at her, but says nothing) But I think by fall I was probably in Italy.

Em: is that where you were all this time? Europe?

Hannah: For a lot of it. (She suddenly snaps at the realization that she has to be careful what she says now. She looks over at Emily) Some of it. I never stayed in one place long.

Em: I got that feeling when we were looking for you. When we hit the dead end in Albuquerque.

Hannah: I still can't believe... (she looks over at her) What possessed you to do that? At eleven!

Em: (sitting down on the edge of the arm chair) For starters, I was friends with the one kid in the world who COULD do that. Lucky had a strange childhood, and I think he missed being on the road in a weird sort of way. Plus, he got to send his parents all over the states looking for us. (she smiles slightly) I never could have done it without him. (Hannah still stares at her, in some amazement)

Hannah: How old was he, twelve?

Em: Yeah.

Hannah: Your parents must have had a fit.

Em: Well.. It doesn't take much for my parents to have a fit. In a strange way, they're much calmer when you run away or something. That's always when they're most sane. After I do something really crazy.

Hannah: You've run away since then?

Em: (she shakes her head, suddenly) What am I doing? I didn't come here to talk about my parents.

Hannah: All right. (She finally meets Emily's eyes) Why did you come here?

Em: (tense) Because I'm sick of this. I'm sick of being in the dark about everything. I know that there are things you haven't told me, and whatever they are, Lucky knows all about them.

Hannah: he knows.... Some things. Not everything.

Em: what does he know?

Hannah: (exhaling heavily) Oh. I should have known that was coming.

Em: Well, hey. If you can tell a complete stranger --

Hannah: No, I'm not saying.. Some of it is hard for me to talk about, all right? I mean, you've had a pretty good life here from the looks of it. And you seem pretty sane. I might be hard to understand

Em: Pretty good. Yeah, I guess it could look that way. I mean, I live in a big mansion with a big family who loves me and gives me anything I want. What could be better than that?

Hannah: I guess Paige was pretty lucky to find them. (Emily puts a hand to her head, and says nothing for a minute. Then she looks up)

Em: She met Monica about six months before she died. They were in treatment together. Six months, and.... Well, she had no one else to leave me with. (She looks at Hannah pointedly) And they must have looked good. Monica, on her own, she's pretty sane. And she tries hard. She's ALWAYS tried hard. And money wasn't an object. And they wanted me. (she laughs slightly) That's one thing I never had to worry about. They always wanted me. They might not have noticed that I existed sometimes, but they sure as hell WANTED me. (Hannah, alarmed at Emily's tone, says nothing. She simply sits and listens to everything spilling out of her niece) They still do. The WANT me home, they WANT me to do well at school, and the WANT me to be happy. They just don't WANT me to do it the way I have been.

Hannah: They sound like parents. Like they care.

Em: (bitterly) Yeah, they care. They care when I run away, and they care when I .... (she stops, and looks up at Hannah) They cared when I overdosed on heroin. They really cared about that. They hadn't noticed that I was stoned half the time for months, but they really cared when I almost died. (Hannah is unable to conceal her distress at this news. She covers her mouth, tears coming into her eyes. Emily, looks away, feeling both ashamed, and twistedly happy to have upset her. She blinks back tears from her own life) There you go. Picture perfect life with the picture perfect family.

Hannah: I'm sorry. (Emily snaps her head back to look at her aunt)

Em: About what? The poor little rich girl? Don't be.

Hannah: (dropping her hands into her lap) I know... When you're that unhappy, that all you want to do is make yourself numb and forget about everything... I know that is a place where better people than me have made really bad decisions. I just didn't think that you were one of them.

Em: (angrily) I was fourteen, Ok? And you don't know what my life was like!

Hannah: No, I don't. But I know what my life was like when I was doing drugs. (Emily stares at her a long moment)

Em: (quietly) What?

Hannah: You want a reason you'll start putting your family second? That'll do it. And you can make it so you don't even care. That's the beauty of it. You family hates you, you've made a mess of everything, but it doesn't matter because if you drink enough, and take the right pills, you can really make it so that you don't care. (She laughs slightly) That was identity number two. Sophie Clark. In New York. I finally just couldn't stand being Corrine anymore, so I jumped town, left... oh, A LOT of bills unpaid, gathered up everything I had, sold most of it, and started over. And the first night, I swear, the first NIGHT I was in New York, I met Oliver. And it was all over for Sophie Clark. Before that, I'd had plans. I had a future -- a murky one at best, but... a real future. Believe it or not, I was pretty good at school. I could write essays with one hand tied behind my back. But I didn't care anymore. And Oliver was really good at helping me to not care. So, there I was. Just twenty years old, with a boyfriend who could get me anything. And it was never really about the drugs. I mean, it was, but I was never an addict -- not in the traditional sense of the word. I didn't have favorite things to do. Just as long as it made it impossible to think too much. Impossible to feel shame, mostly. And I knew this GREAT guy! He was an intermediary on the drug feeding chain. You know... he didn't bring it into the country, and he didn't sell it on the streets, but he ... I guess he was the wholesaler. Sold it to the guys who sold it to the kids. Still respectable, in a slimy sort of way. (she shakes her head, dazed) I still can't believe that I got out of that. I somehow still and enough self-respect to leave once he'd hit me. Considering I was basically his whore at that point, it amazes me.

Em: How did you... How did you get out?

Hannah: Slowly. I got a new name all set up, I'd done it before, it wasn't that hard. And Oliver was really bad with money. I mean, he had SO much of it, his parents were absolutely loaded -- Ok, well his parents were... connected. Well connected. And he'd just leave money lying around. Honestly! I forced myself to cut down. I stopped using anything really hard. Just booze, mostly. And a lot pot. Just so I stayed numb. I nearly went out of my skin. I was never chemically addicted, but God did I need to be able to feel that way. I didn't know how to function normally otherwise. (Emily finds herself nodding in agreement. Hannah shivers, and slides down onto the couch, leaning towards her) Did you feel that way? That it wasn't the drug so much, just anything that made you feel that way? It didn't matter what it was, just as long as you couldn't see straight.

Em: I think I did in the beginning. Once I tried heroine, that was pretty much it. I guess I was incredibly lucky that I overdosed on my second attempt. Otherwise.... I would have been in big trouble. (she bites her lip) The boy who got me everything, he died before I was even out of the hospital. The stuff he smoked was so strong, he didn't even make it out of the park. And if I'd been there I would have smoked it too. I guess that was my wake up call. My best friend was dead.

Hannah: I thought Lucky was your best friend.

Em: Oh... Don't go there. (she laughs) He wasn't around. He was too busy faking his mother's death. (Hannah stares at her uncomprehendingly)

Hannah: I swear, this town gets stranger by the day. (Emily laughs)

Em: Believe it or not, you get kind of used to it. People say to you "Oh, that wasn't me, it was my twin" and you just accept it. (she stares off into space a moment) But that one was hard.

Hannah: I... Nikolas told me that his mother let him believe she was dead, but I thought it was when she'd left him. When he was a baby.

Em: No. It was after he came to town. Everyone thought that she'd blown up in a building. And Lucky and Luke left town right after it.... Lucky has this really disturbing ability to just detach from everything. Like he just decides he won't care, and then he doesn't.

Hannah: Yeah... I think I've seen him do that.

Em: Well, I mean, he can't do it for long periods of time, but... long enough.

Hannah: I'm... I'm glad you know that.

Em: (rolling her eyes) You too? Everyone I know is always trying to tell me that Lucky is ... I don't know. Dangerous, I guess. They think I don't know what he's like. But it's the opposite. I know exactly what he's like. I know how cold he can be, he's done it to me too. Just not for a long time. (Hannah smiles slightly, and Emily notices) I know he's probably been completely awful to you. That's just because he think you'll hurt me. Lucky's Dad is the kind of man who puts protecting the people he loves first. That's how Lucky was raised. He thinks he has to protect everyone. His family, me... Anyone he cares about. (she shakes her head) You know... not that I don't have a lot to say about the psyche of Lucky Spencer, but it wasn't really what I wanted to get into.

Hannah: As long as he's good to you, I guess I can't really complain.

Em: How do you know he's good to me?

Hannah: I don't know. Is he?

Em: Yeah... Most of the time, he really is. The rest or the time... well, he's trying.

Hannah: Ok. That's good. I mean, that's great, actually. Further than I ever got.

Em: What about Nikolas?

Hannah: Nikolas... He's different.

Em: Yeah, he really is.

Hannah: (heavily) He doesn't know about this. About what happened in New York. (she frowns) Lucky doesn't even know that.

Em: (laughing) You're kidding! Am I actually finding something out first for once? That's amazing.

Hannah: I'm sorry, Emily. I really am. (Emily looks at Hannah, just for a moment, with appreciation. She looks down again at her hands, now folded in her lap)

Em: I think I might believe you.

Hannah: That's a beginning. (She shakes her head) Well. At least we know for sure, we've got something in common. (Emily nods, then suddenly bursts out laughing, hysterically).

Em: Oh GOD! (Hannah looks at Emily in shock)

Hannah: Emily..... (Emily starts to laugh harder, leaning over. Hannah crosses to her, with increased concern) Emily!

Em: (calming a little) It just hit me! We have more in common than you think.

Hannah: What?

Em: Nikolas was the first boy I ever kissed.

* * * *

Nikolas's apartment building, hallway.

Lucky stands outside Nikolas's front door, starring at the knocker on the heavy wood door. He's considering the door, and the fact that it doesn't look like a regular apartment door. He's slowly turning it into a symbol in his mind, partially so that he can turn around and leave. He has no idea what he's doing here. Jason gave him the excuse, but he can figure out about a million ways he can find out about Hannah without going to Nikolas. The bug, for instance. Except for the fact that the idea of listening to any of the tapes of his brother in that apartment really makes him feel ill. He doesn't want to know about Nikolas. At least not that way. There's just something deeply twisted about finding out what's going on in his head because he's bugged the apartment of his girlfriend. Lucky steps back from the door. This is stupid. He doesn't need to know this. There is no reason on earth for him to find out what Nikolas is doing... except that it's the one piece of information he doesn't have, and something inside of him won't let go of it. He has to know what Nikolas's stake is. He turns back to the door, frustrated with himself. Just do it, he tells himself. It doesn't matter what Nikolas thinks. He doesn't care. He reaches up to grasp the knocker, but the door is jerked open before he reaches it. Lucky freezes at the sight of Nikolas, dressed to go out. Nikolas looks at him with equal shock. Lucky quickly jams his hands into his pockets, and takes a step back, aware that it's going to be harder than usual to get a firm grasp on his cool. He smirks at Nikolas in a weak attempt to look detached.

Lucky: Hey. (Nikolas tosses a look over his shoulder to see if there is anyone behind him who could possibly explain this to him. There isn't. He looks back)

Nik: Hello. (They both look at each other, neither having any clue what to say next. Nikolas frowns after a moment, remembering that he doesn't have to explain his presence.) The doorman didn't tell me anyone was coming up.

Lucky: Doorman... Yeah. The security here sucks, Nikolas.

Nik: (more confused than anything else) What are you doing here?

Lucky: (shrugging) I need to know something. (Nikolas stares at him. He feels the moment is suspended, as Lucky doesn't blink. He breaks away, stepping out of the doorway, into the hall. Lucky back up against the other wall, leaning against it, his hands behind his back. They look at each other a moment, Lucky finding himself temporarily without anymore words, opts to look bored. He looks away from Nikolas, focusing on the light fixture over the door.) Are you serious about Hannah? (Nikolas pulls his front door shut)

Nik: What are you asking me, Lucky.

Lucky: Did I stutter?

Nik: Why do you want to know?

Lucky: Does it matter?

Nik: It's a personal question. (Lucky regards him coolly)

Lucky: So?

Nik: (getting inevitably tense) All right. It's a vague question.

Lucky: You know what I mean.

Nik: Serious how?

Lucky: (snapping) Man, will you cut it out? Are you in love with her? (Nikolas stares at him. He looks away quickly. Lucky sighs) Thaw's what I needed to know. (He turns to leave)

Nik: She's not going to hurt Emily. (Lucky stops. He looks back at Nikolas and struggles visibly for a moment. Nikolas gets the feeling that Lucky's not asking this question for the reasons he assumed)

Lucky: I'll worry about Emily, Ok? (Nikolas nods slowly. He can feel his heart tightening. He hates this feeling. He's had it before... hope, he guesses. It's incredibly dangerous to feel this around Lucky. His brother turns away from him hits the elevator button. Nikolas finds himself calling after him)

Nik: Lucky! (Lucky stops, takes a deep breath and turns back, as casually as he can manage)

Lucky: Yeah?

Nik: Your face... uh... The bruise. It doesn't look too bad. (Lucky shrugs)

Lucky: Guess I'm tougher than you thought.

Nik: Lucky....

Lucky: Don't sweat it, Nik. I'm staying away from the house, Lulu won't see me until I'm my pretty self again.

Nik: I didn't mean --

Lucky: She doesn't need this. We've always agreed about that.

Nik: Yeah. We have.

Lucky: Well... this has been a blast, as always. But I gotta get going. And I guess you do too.

Nik: Yeah. I have an appointment. (Lucky nods, looking at a spot on the wall again)

Lucky: See you around then.

Nik: Lucky, wait. Uh... Look, about the other day...

Lucky: (groaning) Forget about it.

Nik: No, I don't want --

Lucky: I told you, Lulu won't know anything, ok? You can stop --

Nik: GOD, Lucky! You make it about impossible to apologize, you know that? (Lucky stares at Nikolas. He clears his throat)

Lucky: Apologize?

Nik: (embarrassed) Well, if you'd let me finish a sentence. (Lucky takes a step back)

Lucky: Go ahead. (Nikolas looks back at Lucky. Damn him. If he'd just let him say something, then this wouldn't have turned into a moment of clear torture. He steels himself.)

Nik: I shouldn't have hit you. I'm... sorry. (Lucky, oddly enough, looks surprised to hear this, even with the warning. Suddenly the burden of embarrassment has fallen on him. He shrugs)

Lucky: Whatever. Doesn't matter. (The door to the elevator opens. They both looks at it with horror.) Your carriage awaits.

Nik: No, it's yours.

Lucky: No, go ahead. I think I'm going to see it my luck with the stairs has improved. (He turns and walks down the hall to the stairwell. Nikolas feels a pull to follow him again, but opts for the safety of the elevator instead. He gets on, hitting the button for the parking garage. Lucky stops and turns back to see the doors close. He stands alone in the hallway a moment, then physically shakes the moment off. He pulls open the door to yet another stairwell, and starts out of the building.)