Chapter One Hundred Sixteen:
I Don't Want to Grow Up

Lucky's Car, the Streets of Port Charles.

Lucky leans his head against the steering wheel, as the car shakes in response sudden and unceremonious killing of the engine. It falls into silence, save the rain on the roof of the car, and the rushing noises of traffic moving through puddles around them. He doesn't feel like he can move. He got here, he did it… Now what?

Cars aren't safe. This car, particularly, is not safe. And that should matter to him a lot more than it does. First of all, this is the last time he'll probably see this thing... God knows what Jason will do with it? Secondly, at this exact moment the only person who can protect Lulu is him. And he doesn't feel up to the task. But who else is there? Nikolas… Not something he's anxious to try. He sits back, eyes still closed, and tries to get his brain to work. It's not happening. He looks over towards Lulu, who is curled up in the passenger seat, pressed against the door, watching him with grave concern. Concern and fear. He sighs and undoes his seat belt, then looks back at her. She crawls out of the straps, leaving the belt still connected, and crawls into Lucky's lap, leaning her head against his chest. He rests his chin on the top of her head, and lets the moment stick, his mind rest. He can feel Lulu's heart still racing. He's pretty sure she's feeling pretty much how he is. Scared, angry and sick from the effort of holding down the panic. He reaches up and gently strokes her hair. After another moment she speaks.

Lulu: (tiny) Is Daddy coming back? (Lucky's jaw immediately tenses. He breathes through it, struggling to access some kind of calm).

Lucky: Uh… Yeah. Somehow, he'll be back.

Lulu: Where did he go?

Lucky: I don't know. (Lie. Anyone who knows anything about Luke Spencer could guess exactly where the man is heading tonight. And an old, stubborn, angry part of Lucky has absolutely no desire to stop him, or warn anyone. Stefan must have known this was coming all along. Someday Luke was going to show up on Spoon Island with nothing short of murder on his mind. As much as he hated to admit it, he had a certain begrudging respect for Stefan. He had to at this point. Either that or list his family as a bunch of idiots for not having disposed of him long ago. Stefan played angles like no one else out there. Not even his father. It was sort of like honor among thieves. He hated the man with everything he had in him, but… Well, he did play a good game.)

Lulu: (distantly) I've never heard them fight like that. (Lucky snaps out of his thoughts, and pulls back to look down at her. He can't see her face, however, so he settles back into holding her).

Lucky: Parents fight sometimes, Lu.

Lulu: Not like that. (Lucky closes his eyes. He knows what she means. His parents argued, bickered or even out and out fought about stuff all the time. But it was never the kind of thing you couldn't walk into. Except when they were splitting up. That he'd tried to stay away from, as much as he could. That had just been different and there was no way to explain how. He'd just known it wasn't like before. It was angrier, it was colder. It had been horrible to sit through. And the separation had been awful… To go from having parents you thought were unshakable to doing what all kinds of kids in his class had always done… having to go across town to talk to his father, work out which parent he was having diner with, whether or not he could see his father on any given night… He'd hated it. And he'd never wanted Lulu to have to do it. She'd been young enough that it hadn't really affected her the first time. This time would be different. And from the beginning this had been part of what he'd wanted to avoid. Another Nuclear Family Meltdown. And there was no way to pretend to Lulu that it hadn't happened)

Lucky: (heavily) Ok, Lu… You know I don't like to admit this, but… I don't know what's going to happen. Dad's pretty angry. And no, he might not be back for awhile. But he will be. He'll be back to see you.

Lulu: (Pulling back, eyes wide) You mean like you? (Lucky stares at her. Oh, God. He looks away)

Lucky: You mean… Not living at home and just coming to visit? No, he'll probably be a lot better at it than I've been. (Tears spring immediately to Lulu's eyes)

Lulu: (desperately) I don't want Daddy to do that! I don't! I want him with me! (Lucky silently curses himself and pulls Lulu against his chest again, soothing her as she starts to cry again)

Lucky: Shhh, shhh… It's ok. Don't. We don't know what's going to happen right now, you can't worry about that stuff right now.

Lulu: WHY is everybody fighting? Why are they all so mad? You were fighting with Mommy, then you were fighting with Daddy, and now Mommy and Daddy are fighting too…

Lucky: I know, I'm sorry, Lu. (His voice cracks, his own eyes filling with tears) I'm so sorry, I... I didn't want this to happen. I really didn't. I tried so hard to stop this from happening to you. I mean it. I tried. (Lulu stares at him, and forgets her own distress)

Lulu: Don't cry. (Lucky smiles unconvincingly, wiping his face with the back of his hand)

Lucky: Hey, I won't if you won't ok?

Lulu: Ok. (She takes a deep breath) I won't. (Lucky laughs at the serious and determined expression, wiping the tears from her face)

Lucky: Deal. For now. (He sighs, and looks out the window)

Lulu: Where are we? (Lucky taps the window with his knuckle)

Lucky: See that building there?

Lulu: Uh huh.

Lucky: Nikolas lives there. (Lulu's eyes widen, and she moves out of Lucky's embrace to look through the rivers of rainwater cascading down the window out to the intimidating building Lucky indicated. She looks back at him)

Lulu: We're going to see Nikolas? (Lucky sighs. No choice, he reminds himself. It might be good for Nikolas to see Lulu right now... But it probably won't be that great for Lulu. On the other hand, just what the hell is he supposed to do right now? He's not exactly stable right now. His parents are not in any shape to deal with this, his aunt Bobbie would once again try to get him to deal with the Quartermaines if he went there… That leaves this place. Between Emily, Nikolas and Carly there has to be someone who Lulu can feel safe with. In any case, he'd better warn the kid about what she's about to walk into. He pulls her back from the window to look at him)

Lucky: Yeah, we're going to see Nikolas. (Lulu just stares at him, shocked) I know. Surprised, huh? (She nods) Look, we gotta talk about this before we go in, ok? (Lulu nods. Lucky takes a moment to gather his thoughts as best he can, looking for the best way to explain all of this) You know… Before you, I was an only child for a really long time…

Lulu: There was Nikolas.

Lucky: Yeah, we've talked about that. I didn't know about him. (Lulu frowns. She knows that story well. And she's never understood it)

Lulu: That's sad. I wouldn't want to not know about Nikolas. (Lucky stares out at the rain bouncing off the windshield. Lulu has a way of twisting stuff around and making it look completely different. It's not something he wants to think about right now).

Lucky: (quietly) You can't miss something you don't know anything about, Lulu.

Lulu: Didn't you want a big brother?

Lucky: I didn't need one. I had Dad. (Lucky looks away from her, changing the topic quickly). But the thing is… When you're an only child, you don't really have to… You get used to looking out for yourself. But big brothers are supposed to look out for their little sisters, ok?

Lulu: I know.

Lucky: Right. And… Lately you've been getting kinda shafted in that department. (Lulu looks at him oddly)

Lulu: I don't need to be looked after. You do.

Lucky: Lulu…

Lulu: No, 'cause you were hurt and you needed help. (Lucky starts to protest, then realizes that's actually going to help him explain what's going on here)

Lucky: Ok. Ok, you're right. That's the thing. Is usually it's my job, or… (He takes a deep breath) OR Nikolas' job to make sure you're ok. But right now… Nikolas is… (He stops. There's just no way to explain this to her short of saying "Ok, kid… The adults have all lost their minds, you're on your own") Nikolas needs help now. And there's not really anyone around that can help him, not right now. So…

Lulu: So we have to help him. (Lucky cringes at the idea. Old habits die really hard.)

Lucky: It's not… (He shakes his head. This is insane. Lulu is just a little kid, he's not even sure he wants to bring her into the apartment at all, given Nikolas' present mood, but there is no where else to go) It's not about helping him… It's just that he might not be the way you're used to him being. And that's not because of anything with Mom or you or any of that. It's just that… He had a really bad day. Understand? (Lulu nods sagely)

Lulu: I'll help him. (Lucky closes his eyes, trying not to get frustrated with her. Maybe she CAN help Nikolas. But he doesn't want her to get invested in it. On the other hand, what does he expect? This is his sister, they have the same parents, they were both raised with the same ideas about family. It's just that Lulu's encompass more than his do. He can't tell her not to help Nikolas. There just doesn't seem to be any way to prepare her for what might happen.)

Lucky: Fine. Just… Be yourself, ok? Oh, and hey! There's someone else there you might want to say "hi" to. (Lulu frowns, thinking hard)

Lulu: Who?

Lucky: Nope. You're going to have to wait.

Lulu: (breaking into a grin) Emily?

Lucky: (opening the car door) You'll see…

Lulu: It's Emily, isn't it?

Lucky: Are we going or not? (Lulu leaps off his lap and onto the sidewalk, where she is immediately assaulted by the falling rain. She hunches her shoulders and looks at Lucky, still smiling)

Lulu: Race you.

Nikolas' Apartment, Guest Room

Emily lies on her good side, her knees drawn up to her chest. The apartment is quiet. There has barely been a clearly definable sound in the last hour. She's never felt quite this alone in her life, and there's really nothing she can do about it. She can't leave the room. She could call for someone… Like who? Nikolas? She doesn't even know if she can look at him right now. She's not really ready to confront someone else's pain right now. She feels incredibly guilty for feeling that way, but the fact of the matter is, Nikolas knew Hannah… Corrine… about a million times better than she did. Or ever will. She can't face that right now. She closes her eyes. She's hit that point… It's familiar. She just can't cry anymore. She doesn't feel like she'll ever cry over this again. She seems to have exhausted every avenue of despair, gone through ever depressing, heart wrenching thing she could think of, and now she's purged it all from her system.

If she hadn't done this all before, she might actually be comforted by that. The worst part is over. Except it's not. She knows that. She knows that there are things that haven't even occurred to her yet, there are little ambushes lying in wait for her. There is no "end". She's known about Hannah's death for about an hour now, and it's now a fact of her life. Every day, forever. No hope, no second chances.

WHY on EARTH does everything make sense to her now? That morning when Hannah told her she loved her, she couldn't bring herself to say the words back because she didn't KNOW they were true. She couldn't tell. Everything was too murky. Which doesn't make sense to her, still, because if someone asked her if she loved her family, or Lucky or Raoul, she could answer in a heartbeat. But with Hannah… She HAS to stop calling her that. That was the name Helena gave her. It wasn't her real name. Corey. With Corey… uh oh. Emily feels the lump reappear in her throat. Here is one of them. Thinking about this was not helping her. But at this point she couldn't imagine what could help her. Being able to get up and walk across the room might be a start. Or just being able to breathe without pain. Or maybe if any of the physical pain that she's in was enough to distract her from the fact that her aunt's death has suddenly brought her face to face with everything she wanted to say, everything she felt, in such crystal clarity. Everything she felt. How could she feel like this with so little time?

Emily chokes and turns her head to bury it in her pillow. She breathes painfully, trying to force out more tears, but they stubbornly refuse to fall, sticking in her chest, constricting it. She rolls over again, onto her back and glares at the ceiling with pure and childish hatred. She's so angry she could scream for days if it didn't hurt so much to breathe. She could break everything in the room if she could actually sit up. And the fact that she can't does nothing but make her feel even more angry.

Emily starts, hearing the door open. She struggles up on her elbows, hopeful. She stops and stares at the figure in the doorway, shocked.

Em: Carly? (Carly shifts nervously)

Carly: I thought you might be asleep.

Em: I'm not. (They fall into a painfully long silence) What are you doing here?

Carly: Oh, I was… I just put Michael down on Nikolas' bed, and I thought I'd just see if you needed anything. (Emily can't believe this. Carly. Perfection. Really, she couldn't have asked for better. She sinks back into the pillows)

Em: I'm fine.

Carly: Well, Lucky wanted me to stick around in case…

Em: I'm FINE.

Carly: Em… (Though Carly's called her this a million times, Emily is immediately irked by the familiarity).

Em: (sharply) What?

Carly: Ok… Look. I understand that I'm probably not the first person you want to see right now, but…

Em: What gives you that idea? (Carly looks at her a moment, then sighs heavily)

Carly: You know… Lucky keeps trying to tell me that you don't hate me… (Emily groans)

Em: Don't.

Carly: What?

Em: Don't turn this into a Carly Roberts Pity Party… you're good at that, you know? It's your ultimate secret weapon, make everyone feel bad for you. But I don't have ROOM for it right now.

Carly: I'm not feeling sorry for MYSELF here. (Emily glares at Carly, knowing full well that she's acting like a child. She rolls over the other way and buries her head in the pillow. Carly smirks bitterly) Yeah, I know. You know you're in trouble when someone like me feels bad for you, huh?

Em: Just… Go away, ok?

Carly: Ok, fine. I'm going. I just… I wanted to make sure you were ok.

Em: Oh, I'm wonderful. (She sighs and lifts her head again) Why are you here? Did Lucky ask you to come here?

Carly: No… Well, I offered. (Emily blinks at her) Rare moment of generosity. I know you don't trust me…

Em: I don't have any intention of ever being in a situation where I HAVE to trust you, Carly.

Carly: I know. But you trust Lucky, right?

Em: (shaking her head firmly) I’m not getting into that with you. The LAST thing I'm going to talk to you about is Lucky.

Carly: Fine… I just… That's just the something we have in common now, you know?

Em: Now? What… What do you mean?

Carly: I mean we both care about Lucky.

Em: Right.

Carly: Emily! I really do …

Em: Fine. It really doesn't matter to me either way, Carly.

Carly: God, you really are a Quartermaine, aren't you?

Em: (bitterly) You’ll have to excuse me… I'm lying here basically unable to move, my aunt is dead, someone is trying to kill me… And hey, even if she isn't, she's trying to kill my boyfriend… who is God knows where right now… and I can’t call my Mom, or my family because they would NEVER understand this is a million years, and EVEN IF THEY DID… it wouldn't matter because they couldn't stop fighting long enough to actually DO anything about it, anyway! (Emily stops and takes a breath, noting that her head is swimming from the effort of the explosion. She speaks again, a little more quietly) And on top of that, I'm trying really hard not to feel sorry for myself. And I'm not doing a very good job of it right now, and the last thing I need at this moment in my life is a visit from the one person who has a talent at turning my whole world upside down without even trying. Thank you for checking on me, I'm fine, good night. (She goes to roll over, but her ribs protest violently. She stifles a moan and sinks back to her previous position. Carly stares at her)

Carly: Look…

Em: You want the truth, Carly? I don't have ANYTHING right now except Lucky. And the fact of the matter is, I just look at you, and I remember everything that happened, everything he did for you at the expense of my family and RIGHT NOW is not a good time for me to be thinking about that. So you can take that personally it you want, but I'm not really wasting a whole lot of time "hating" you.

Carly: I know you were really hurt by that, Emily… but there is no way you can match loosing your boyfriend with loosing your son! (Emily, pushed by pure adrenaline, sits up, and focuses the depths of her anger on her)

Em: You… You don't know. I've always told myself you couldn't POSSIBLY know what that felt like or you never would have done that to me… Or to Lucky. GOD, Carly. I thought we were friends. I mean, I defended you to everyone. I even… You know, I watched how Lucky was when you were around, and I actually told him to give you a break! How's THAT for irony! I tried to do everything to make things safe for you there. And I really though that AJ loved Michael so much…

Carly: That he'd love me too? Yeah, I thought that too. Not all of us are lucky enough to have guys who will alter the rotation of the earth for us just because we feel dizzy, ok? And you and Lucky made it through, didn't you?

Em: You keep saying that. WHY does that make it all right?

Carly: Talk to me when you have a child, Emily. Talk to me when you loose something you can't get back. (The second the words are out of Carly's mouth she wants to pull them back in. Incredibly insensitive, yes, and even more so, if Lucky is anything like Jason, she's going to get CRUCIFIED for that).

Em: Why do I always end up defending myself with you? No, I don't know how incredibly hard it is to be you… And right now, I REALLY don't care. Yes, it's stupid, I know that. I know that I should feel lucky I didn't spend my entire adolescence in foster care. No. I got adopted by a rich family. Totally dysfunctional, but you know… If they have a lot of money, who cares, right? That's what really counts. (She looks at Carly dead on) So yeah… I was a regular kid from Arizona and now my whole family is dead, but I'm really rich. Sounds like a trade off to me.

Carly: I didn't mean that.

Em: What did you mean? What was it? Because GOD, don't try to tell me I haven't lost anything! I'm not even 18 yet and my entire family is dead. That was it!

Carly: I'm SORRY. I wasn't thinking, Emily, I was… Look, I'm good at that. I always say the wrong thing - you KNOW that.

Em: Well, it's not really something I feel like dealing with right now, ok? (She falls back onto the bed) I don't want to deal with any of this.

Carly: Em… Emily. Are you sure you don't want anything?

Em: I just want something so that… (She shakes her head, this feeling far too familiar) I ache all over, my head is pounding, I can't breathe, I feel like I'm being choked… (She closes her eyes, tears spilling again) I don't want to feel like this. I just don't want to feel anything anymore. (She turns her face away from Carly, putting a hand over her eyes.) Oh, God… (Carly swallows hard and tells herself firmly to do something. She looks over at the table beside the bed. She picks up the bottles of pills and looks at them. She looks back at Emily)

Carly: When was the last time you took any of these? (She shakes the bottle so that Emily will know what she's talking about. She tries to bury herself deeper into the bed.) Emily?

Em: I don't know. I don't even know what time it is.

Carly: It'll help with the pain.

Em: I don't want to be all doped up. No… (She rolls back onto her back.) No, actually I do want to be all doped up… but I can't be. Not until we get out of here.

Carly: So… You're still leaving?

Em: We have to.

Carly: (opening a bottle) Just take the Tylenol. That'll help the pain a bit, at least. (Emily looks up at her)

Em: I… Where is Lucky?

Carly: He went to run an errand or something. (Emily nods, folding her hands across her abdomen. Carly recognizes the gesture) I know that feeling. When you don't feel safe until you know they'll be back. (Emily's fill up with tears again).

Em: I'm trying not to think about it. (She shuts her eyes) I'm trying not to think about anything. (Carly sits down on the edge of the bed and holds out two Tylenol on her palm. Emily opens her eyes and takes them in, then looks at Carly helplessly)

Carly: You want to sit up? (Emily nods. Carly closes her palm and helps Emily up into a sitting position. Emily takes a moment to adjust her breathing again) Look, Em… I'm sorry. I get really defensive sometimes, and I say stuff I really shouldn't. I've tried not to do it, but… Well, I'm not known for my self- control.

Em: I was being a bitch.

Carly: (handing her the pills) You had it coming.

Em: (looking at her warily) You’re a good target for it. (She takes the pills)

Carly: Uh, right. Yeah, I guess I am.

Em: Truce, ok? I… I can't take much more of this. (She tosses he pills into her mouth, then looks back at Carly, realizing she has no water.

Carly: Oh! (Carly reaches over and grabs a stale glass of water off the table.) Here. (Emily takes it gratefully, and downs it along with the pills then sinks back onto the bed.) You know… I guess I kinda owe you an ear, if you want. I mean… Considering.

Em: (looking at Carly like she's crazy) I think I'll pass.

Carly: Ok… I just… Well, I know what it's like to have someone die and suddenly figure out everything you need to say to them. (Emily looks at Carly with shock) That's it, right? And you just want to tare your eyes out or something for being so damn stupid, right? At least… That's how I felt about Momma.

Em: Ohhhhh boy… I'd forgotten that.

Carly: (self-consciously) What?

Em: That… That basically I can say anything to you and no matter how dumb or destructive or childish is was, you'd understand what I was talking about.

Carly: I have a talent for understanding immature behavior.

Em: I don't think that's immature…

Carly: Yeah, but you think it makes you pretty stupid and selfish and…

Em: Petty. Like… I was really preoccupied about stuff I just don't care about anymore. I don't know… I know don't how to tell myself, I mean seriously, that I shouldn't have been mad at her when she first showed up, but… If I hadn't been…

Carly: Right. If you hadn't been then you would have had a lot more time.

Em: Right.

Carly: Do you remember the last time you saw her?

Em: (tears coming to her eyes yet again) Yeah… It was almost like she knew she was going. She… She told me that… (She stops, unable to get the words out. She rolls back onto her side, curling up into the fetal position, and letting herself cry again. Carly sits next to her, uncertain of what to do. Finally she reaches out and puts a hand on Emily's shoulder. Emily doesn't acknowledge it, but she doesn't shake it off either. After awhile she wipes her eyes impatiently, and looks over at Carly again) Sorry. I keep thinking I'm done with that. (Carly nods) Guess I won't be for awhile. (Carly looks at her with concern, then pulls her hand away, nervously twisting a ring on her finger)

Carly: You know… Since Michael was born, I've been trying to cut down on my lying. (Emily blinks at her, incredulous) Ok, I know. I have my good and bad days. But I'm really trying to avoid having to answer questions like "Why does everyone hate you, Mommy?".

Em: What does that have to do with anything?

Carly: In the interests of honesty… If I was Lucky? I wouldn't have told you. Not now. (Emily turns away) You've got to get better! I mean, now that you're out of the hospital? That's got to be number one. Get better, then worry about the rest of this stuff.

Em: If he hadn't told me… I would have known. I can tell when he's holding back from me.

Carly: Well… I don't have that skill. When you lie all the time, you just kinda assume everyone else is too. It's the only thing that feels safe. (She sits down) Which is a really rotten way to live your life.

Em: Yeah, it is.

Carly: Anyway… I'm just saying… Right now, you gotta find some way to just… Put it aside a little while.

Em: (a little too sarcastic) Great idea.

Carly: I'm serious. (Emily sighs heavily)

Em: I know… I just… I don't know how to do that. There's no… closure. I mean… Even if they had a funeral, it would be like a shooting gallery. (She fights to keep her face from crumpling again) So… I don't know. I don't even know what's going to happen to the body!

Carly: Probably… (She stops, realizing Emily probably doesn't want to hear this)

Em: Probably what?

Carly: Well… They know who it was, I mean… They have a name. They'll try to find family, and if they don't she'll be cremated.

Em: Cremated. Yeah. I guess… I guess that's what they'll do.

Carly: Or… (She looks at Emily apprehensively) Ok. There's probably something you can do.

Em: What?

Carly: The guy on night duty at the morgue… I kinda know him. I mean… We've met. And actually he asked me out but I pled "single mom, no time". But…

Em: Carly, what are you saying?

Carly: Ummm get your brother's influence involved, and I could probably persuade him to let you into the morgue alone for a little while tonight. I mean, before you leave. I'm sure Jason would know how to handle it.

Em: You mean… To see her.

Carly: If you want to.

Em: I… (She exhales heavily) I want to.

Carly: Yeah.

Em: I think I have to. I didn't want to say that because… Well, because I can't.

Carly: I know… But it's not real until…

Em: Right.

Carly: Lucky's gonna hate this idea.

Em: Probably. I mean… It's against pretty much every rule he has.

Carly: Rule?

Em: Trust me, you don't want to know.

Carly: Well… It's up to you, then. What do you want to do? (Emily bites her lip, and tries to fight what she knows she's going to say. Finally, she gives up).

Em: How fast can you set it up?