Chapter One Hundred Fourty-Two:
Gaining Clarity

Port Charles Park

Laura puts her arm around Lulu, still staring at Stefan who is looking at her, unblinking and unreadable. She furrows her brow.

Laura: This is unusual.

Stefan: Not at all… I've always been fond of this place. (Laura shivers and looks down at her daughter.)

Laura: Lulu, will you put your sweater ON, please. (Lulu slips on the sweater without question, her eyes fixed on Stefan).

Stefan: Hello, again, Lesley Lu. We've been encountering each other rather frequently, haven't we? (Lulu pulls her sweater around her and leans back against her mother frequently).

Laura: What are you doing here?

Stefan: I had a meeting at General Hospital.

Laura: I wasn't aware that you were attending meetings at the hospital again.

Stefan: The time has come.

Laura: So you were just walking, then.

Stefan: I saw you… from a distance. I thought I would tell you I spoke to Nikolas this morning.

Lulu: (sitting up) Nikolas?

Stefan: Yes. In Rome. Do you know where it is he went?

Lulu: No.

Stefan: It's a city, a very old city. Perhaps he'll send you postcards with pictures. I'm sure he'll bring you back something.

Lulu: (scowling) I only want him.

Stefan: There you are. We have something in common. (Laura watches this exchange, uncertain just how she should be reacting to it. Lulu grips her mother's hand tightly).

Laura: Well, how is he?

Stefan: He seemed well. (He looks at Laura pointedly) I was wondering if you gave what I told you the other evening any thought.

Laura: (looking down at Lulu) Yes. And I'm sure Nikolas is fine.

Stefan: Yes. (He notes the expression on Lulu's face, the suspicion the child has already. Certainly the mark of a child of Luke Spencer). Perhaps we should discuss this further. At a more appropriate time.

Laura: I don't think that is necessary.

Stefan: That is unfortunate. I wish I could share your optimism.

Laura: (forcing her voice to remain light) I am SURE that Nikolas is having a lovely time in Rome. It must be a nice place to be this time of year. And when he comes home, everything will be JUST fine. (Lulu looks over at Stefan, then back at her mother, not liking the quality of either’s voice)

Stefan: Very well. I shall leave you to your outing, then. (He nods to Lulu) Miss Spencer, it was nice to see you again.

Lulu: Good-bye. (Stefan turns and walks away. Laura stares after him a moment, then turns to Lulu)

Laura: Lulu, Just wait here a minute, I have to ask Mr. Cassadine something.

Lulu: But…

Laura: Just ONE minute, I promise. Just sit here where I can see you. (Laura gets up and follows after Stefan, who is strolling at a leisurely pace in the other direction. Lulu sits back against the bench, feeling nervous).

Lulu: (quietly) Ok.

Laura: (calling) Stefan! (Stefan stops and turns back as she catches up to him. She stops in front of him, angry) I don't like you pressuring me in front of my child.

Stefan: That was not my intention.

Laura: Oh, no? Then what are you doing here?

Stefan: I told you. I was walking in the park.

Laura: And why is that?

Stefan: It is one of the few places I can go in this town that hold pleasant memories. With Nikolas away, I was simply seeking some time to think. I did not know you were here, Lasha.

Laura: I find that hard to believe.

Stefan: That doesn't surprise me.

Laura: (looking back at Lulu). What do want from me?

Stefan: All I've ever wanted from you is for you to be a mother to your son. Well… Rather, I should say, all I have ever requested, or expected, was that you would try to put his needs on the same level as your other children. Anything else I wanted from you was immaterial. And never requested.

Laura: Stefan, please… Don't cloud the issue.

Stefan: You always accuse me of dishonest, then shame for the truth. I am worried about my son. I consider Luke, in his present state of mind, to be a threat to him. I am trying to keep abreast of the situation. (Laura looks away, crossing her arms) You may not want to face those truths, but as Nikolas's father, I have to put his concerns first. (He turns to leave)

Laura: Stefan! (He stops, turning back) Please… If you hear anything, if there's anything you think I should know…

Stefan: Will you return the favor?

Laura: Yes. If Luke… I don't think Nikolas is in danger from him. But if I ever did, you have to know I'd tell you.

Stefan: I hope so. Until next time, then. (He turns again and walks away. Laura exhales heavily, then turns back to return to Lulu).

Terrace Cafe, Hotel Raphael.

Emily sighs heavily and closes her journal. She smiles at Nikolas ruefully then puts her head in her hands, rubbing her temples.

Nik: Did I make your headache worse? (Emily laughs and sits back)

Em: You know, I think my family is complicated… But it doesn't take me an hour to give directions to our house.

Nik: Well, we like to be arduous. It would be easier if we were expected.

Em: We… This is going to be interesting, going where you grew up. (She picks up her glass of mineral water she's been drinking slowly and stares at it a long moment before setting it down without drinking and looking back at Nikolas.) I always wondered… (Emily smiles, staring over Nikolas's shoulder, in thought.)

Nik: What?

Em: On the island… What did you do on there all those years?

Nik: Lots of things. I lived there for sixteen years.

Em: I know… With private tutors, and your Uncle… And that's it?

Nik: No. Not entirely.

Em: Servants.

Nik: (shaking his head) People insist on using that word… Yes.

Em: But… Were there other kids?

Nik: (after a moment) Yes.

Em: Who lived there.

Nik: Children of the families who worked for us.

Em: Oh. Did you… Could play with them?

Nik: I… I didn't have much in common with them. And there was… Well. There is a social circle. Of nobility. We were expected to… Form relationships. It was hard, because we were watched. And you got the idea we were being paired. We had to go to parties… Bimonthly cotillions, dinner parties… That made up a large part of my social interactions. I've been absent from it for a long time. Since I came to Port Charles.

Em: (a little awed) It must have been so different to come to Port Charles.

Nik: Not really. (Nikolas stares down at the tabletop) It's… It's just our way. We isolate ourselves. Hold the world at arms length. That didn't change.

Em: I guess not.

Nik: It is different, in that… I had the opportunity to form my own connections in a way I didn't have in Greece.

Em: Yeah. (Nikolas stares off a moment).

Nik: Katherine… (He lets his voice fade. Emily stares down at the tabletop).

Em: (quietly) Her name has to come up, doesn't it? (Nikolas sits up, shaking the mood off).

Nik: Not if we don't want it to.

Em: Do you want it to?

Nik: Do you?

Em: Yes. (She laughs nervously, then looks at him, tears already pooling in her eyes) Yes. I do. (Nikolas breathes a sigh of relief).

Nik: I'm glad. There hasn't been anyone…

Em: (jumping in) I know. No one knew her. Except you. (Nikolas darkens).

Nik: I'm not so sure about that.

Em: What do you mean?

Nik: I… I knew things about her… I knew that she… She loved music. If you asked me about her I'd say that first… she loved music. And she had a beautiful voice. She was soft. She listened like no one ever had before. She said the right thing. She had a wonderful laugh, and she… She said she loved me.

Em: She did.

Nik: She must have. I mean, only that makes sense.

Em: You can't doubt that.

Nik: I… Don't just doubt THAT, Emily. I doubt all of it. I don't have a picture. I don't have anything, really… Not REALLY. I can't prove she existed. I can't prove that even if she WAS here in body, that all that other stuff… That it even existed. Do you know what I mean?

Em: Yeah. I really do. (Nikolas looks away a long moment).

Nik: Did she ever tell you… About a guy named Oliver Taggliati?

Em: (slowly) No… Oh, wait. Oliver. Yeah, the guy in New York. (Nikolas looks back at her, feeling himself go cold. He clears his throat, trying to remain detached).

Nik: She told you that?

Em: Well… (Emily fidgets, uncomfortable) This is going to sound childish, but… I wanted her to know what I'd gone through. (She rakes her fingers through her hair). You know, with… Mom dying, Alan and Monica… And… I told her about the heroin. So she told me about Oliver.

Nik: She told you she was a…

Em: Yeah. She wasn't an addict… Well. It's a fine line, you know? I mean, I wasn't an addict either. I didn't have to detox, or anything. I wasn't far enough in. I don't really know how bad it was for her. It sounds like she was really unhappy. So she just found ways not to face to feel.

Nik: She never told me. (Emily furrows her brow).

Em: Then how do you know about Oliver?

Nik: My uncle. My… (He gives a short bitter laugh) My father. And my aunt.

Em: They knew about her?

Nik: Only after she died. At least that's what they say. (Emily studies his face).

Em: You really don't trust them, do you?

Nik: I can't anymore. I know they do the things they do to protect me… To save me pain. But… At what cost?

Em: I know what you mean.

Nik: You really do, don't you? When Alexis told me about what Edward did, I thought… that's what it feels like. My father would never do that, it's not his style, but it's that same feeling of not being able to escape… That they won't let you go.

Em: Yeah… Exactly. Do you want… Is that what you want? To escape?

Nik: Helena. Yes.

Em: But not your father. (Nikolas shakes his head, smiling a little).

Nik: There it is… It's so strange to talk to someone and have them use that word.

Em: Well… Even if he wasn't your father, he is, right? In every way it counts.

Nik: Yes.

Em: Family is such a strange thing. I mean… Working that out… Blood vs.… The people who raised you. When one isn't the same as the other. Or when half it's half-and-half.

Nik: (a little suspicious) Yeah… (Emily looks down at her hands in fascination).

Em: Do you think blood makes a difference?

Nik: I don't know. I mean… There's Lulu. And then there's Lucky. And blood means totally different things to both of them.

Em: Are you sure about that?

Nik: What are you getting at, Emily?

Em: I just don't understand how you both love Laura, and you both love Lulu, but… Whatever that is… it doesn't extend to each other.

Nik: (after a moment) Who says it doesn't?

Em: Uh…

Nik: No, I mean… That Lucky and I are blood relatives, that means something. I mean, I used to try to say it didn't, but that's stupid, it does. It just doesn't necessarily mean what everyone wants it to.

Em: Oh… I think I get it.

Nik: It doesn't guarantee love, it just guarantees… Some kind of expectation. From someone, of something… But people… they can be raised together and not be able to be in the same room.

Em: I know… My father and his sister… they probably don't get along as well and you and Lucky. (She smiles to herself) I mean, they would never do this… whatever this is.

Nik: What do you mean?

Em: Well… Are you saying that's what this is? I mean… I'm not going to be dumb enough to push you… or Lucky. I've never wanted to play that game. But this is about family. About your family, and his and whatever middle ground there is. That's why you're both here.

Nik: Have you said that to him?

Em: I have to sleep in the same room with him. And I like him to actually sleep. Sometime I think if I say half the stuff going through my head, he'll just pace for eternity. He's in knots over Luke. I can't push that.

Nik: What did Luke do to him? (Emily makes a face and looks away)

Em: Nikolas… I can't…

Nik: Ok. I know.

Em: I just… I guess I'm worried too. About how this is going to go. For all of us.

Nik: Lucky and I have an agreement. The last time we tried that, I was the one who broke it. I won't do that again. So if you're wondering if I'm going to push him, or try to bond with him or something… That's not what I'm interested in. I want my life to be MY life. He wants his family to stay safe. We both know there's only one way to do that. (Emily feels ill, and takes a long drink of her water. She puts the glass down, and breathes deeply)

Em: Ok. I guess it was just different from Hannah and I. We have more shared history. I guess that's what you and Lucky don't have.

Nik: Well… Whatever history we have, it's not the stuff dreams are made of.

Em: It wasn't for Hannah and I either… It just gave us something to talk about when all else failed. (She smiles) I can tell you this much, Nikolas. You're right. She was a good listener. And she had a good voice. (She draws a figure eight on the tabletop with her fingernail a few times). Nikolas… (She looks up at him) The last time I saw her, she came to my room and she told me about this song my parents sang the day I was born. Lucky told me that he knew I had to know about her because she knew stuff about my mom that I didn't know. And she told me a lot of it… But it wasn't enough. And then when she died, I just knew… I didn't know enough about her either. (She exhales heavily) You want to know that worst thing? I didn't even know I loved her until she died. I mean… I knew I had to see her again, I had to tell her I wanted her around, but to actually say I loved her… It was like saying I forgave her, and it wasn't the same thing… (Nikolas has lowered his head, listening to her. He puts his head into his hands. Emily sits up, noticing this, a little concerned) Nikolas? (After a significant pause, Nikolas looks up, dropping his hand onto the table)

Nik: (hoarsely) When my mother died. (He stops and doesn't say anything for a long moment, struggling visibly) When she died that was real for me. For all the time she was gone, that was real for me. She was dead. And I didn't forgive her. But I knew I loved her. And it was too late. (Emily reaches out and grabs his hand tightly).

Em: Oh, God…

Nik: (smiling slightly, bitterly) The funny thing is… She came back. I mean, I had dreams that she'd come back. That it would all be a trick. I have those dreams about Katherine, too, though.

Em: I used to have dreams about that with my mother. That it was all a test… And then, a few years ago, I found her… in a dream. I found her and she was living somewhere else, alone. And I was so angry… (Emily stops, pressing her lips together) I can't imagine that happening for real. I just can't… (She stops and takes a deep breath, and pulling her hand away). I'm sorry. It's hard for me to understand a lot of things your mother does. (They fall into silence, letting that statement lie).

Nik: (quietly) I know I'll have dreams about Hannah. When I dream again.

Em: When I dream about my mother… I always wake up crying. Because… Because I don't dream about her enough. (Emily's eyes overflow and she bows her head, quickly. She finally looks up at him, smiling bravely). But when I do, I remember everything. Like the sound of her voice, and the way she smelled… How she laughed… And when I'm awake, I can't always find that, you know? I don't always remember it clearly. When she was dying, I'd lay with her and I tried to memorize everything. Like she had this tiny mole right here (Emily points to a place just under her hair line on her forehead) And I stared at it for hours, just so that I'd always know she had a mole right there on her forehead. I don't think I ever noticed it before. I mean, I must have, but… Not like that.

Nik: (distantly) How does all that stuff that feels so complicated get that clear that quickly?

Em: I don't know. But it sure does.

Nik: I knew I loved Hannah. But… It just went so clear, when I saw Lucky's face, it was suddenly so clear. It was like glass in front of me. What it was, what it had been, what I wanted it to be… It was like I could suddenly see the whole life I wanted right in front of me in a way I never had before. And I had to watch it shatter.

Em: (horrified) Oh Nikolas…

Nik: I feel like I'm… Not really here. Do you know what I mean?

Em: Yeah. Like… Heavy sedatives.

Nik: Yeah.

Em: I don't think I really felt anything for so long after my Mom died. I mean, not really I could only feel one side of it. Whatever happened, it was always the down side. It was like nothing could ever really be beautiful again. I don't think I really let myself hope again until… (She looks up at him, smiling almost apologetically) I fell in love with Lucky. (Nikolas and Emily stare at each other in silence, the implication hanging in the air. Emily feels her throat tighten at the thought… of losing the person who helped her recover from her loosing her mother… Even though she's never said that out loud. Hannah must have done that for Nikolas on some level… And he lost her. She looks down at her hands). Tell me one thing… Can you get out of bed in the morning?

Nik: Barely.

Em: But you do.

Nik: Yeah.

Em: Then you're doing ok.

Nik: You can?

Em: I have Lucky. If I didn't… If I didn't have someone who had these expectations that I can take care of myself, that I can function… I would just lie there. But he distracts me. And I let him.

Nik: Whatever works.

Em: It's this, for you, isn't it? Helena. That's your distraction.

Nik: It's what I have to do. (He looks at her intently) When this is over, Emily… Then I can mourn her. Then I don't have to see glass shattering every time I try to think about my future.

Em: (exhaling heavily) This has gotten too intense.

Nik: Right… Yeah, it has.

Em: (quietly) Che ore sono?

Nik: Sono le sette.

Em: (under her breath) Seven. (She looks at him, smiling empathetically) I have to go back to Lucky. He'll be waiting.

Nik: All right.

Em: I'll see you tomorrow.

Nik: Back here?

Em: Why don't I meet you at St. Peter's? At four? We’ll talk there.

Nik: That would be good. They'll expect me to go somewhere.

Em: Good. I have to go. (She stands up) Arrivederci, Nikolas.

Nik: Domani.