Chapter One Hundred Seventy:
Epiphany

The Campsite

Nikolas sits against the tree, his head in his hands. This could be a commercial, he thinks miserably. Some sort of aspirin, extra strength anything designed to take the edge off the younger brother from hell.

God, he didn't know clarity could hurt this much. But it can, apparently. When everything suddenly feels this obvious, and when it won't stop pounding around inside your head. Who would have thought, one day, that he'd be in this much agony all because, for one God-awful moment, Lucky Spencer came into focus for him. It makes too much sense. More sense than just talking ever would have. Thing Lucky would never have said.

He hadn't seen the parallel. Even if it had been staring them straight in the face. He had never looked at it that way. Helena was a monster. She was bound and determined to tear down everyone she came in contact with. He'd known that, had it drilled into him, nearly his whole life. How could he be surprised at how far her reach extended? When it came right down to it, everything, everything he knew, was due to that woman. She was the reason he existed. She forced the hands of everyone in his life. Why hadn't he seen how that led Lucky here?

It wasn't been that he hadn't been thinking about Lucky, about what might be going on in his head. He had. Emily's cryptic remarks had egged it on, as if it wasn't already pushing at him. But sometimes there are things that are too dangerous to believe. And the idea of understanding Lucky… of having any idea what might be happening in his brain… that was dangerous territory. And expecting anything but venom and disgust from him was setting himself up for a hell of a fall.

It had been that way from the beginning. From the moment he'd first suspected he and Lucky didn't feel nothing for each other. It was the reason he'd pushed Lucky away in the first place. And it was the reason he didn't think about what had happened in the parking lot. Not nay more than he had to. What did any of it mean? He couldn't know, not for sure, if Lucky had made these decisions for him. How could he let himself believe that? It fell into direct contrast with almost everything he knew. Or thought he knew. But it was what the answer seemed to be. Lucky hasn't wanted the secret to come out. He hadn't wanted it out badly enough to do something he couldn't live with. Something that was tearing him apart. And Laura, Luke, Lulu… They were all part of that decision. But so what he. And so was Helena.

And there was something else. Something that gnawed at him, and refused to be ignored. From moment one, Lucky's complete insanity… if that was the word… the twisted way he looked at the world. How reckless and emotional he was, how destructive, all of it… That had been lain at the feet on Luke. He was a Spencer. It was in the genes. And Luke was a maniac, so why wouldn't his son be?

Maybe Lucky was a maniac. Certainly he had his borderline moments. And maybe Luke had taught him about guns and stealing cars. Maybe he had helped Lucky nurture his hatred towards the Cassadines. And maybe it was him that instilled the “values” as backwards as they were. But Luke had nothing to do with this. He hadn't pushed Lucky into the place he lived now. Not directly. That had been Laura.

Nikolas feels a strong wave of anger hit him. So strong it confuses him. This is Laura! She drove him nuts. She was inconsistent, she was indecisive, she often had this look on her face that seemed to scream “Someone solve this for me”. But… She's not evil, Nikolas thinks. She's not like Grandmother, she's not setting out to hurt people. So how on earth did she let this happen to her son? How did she let Lucky turn into this person? Can't she see it? Hasn't he shown her just how dark the places he lives are?

God, he was trying to protect me. Nikolas closes his eyes, feeling his body shake a bit. He thinks I could turn into him and he wants to make sure I know… Because no one told him.

Nikolas feels tears spring to his eyes and sits up with a start. What the hell is this? He's not going to fall apart about this. So Lucky is acting scary. So he's being a freak. What else is new?

It doesn't work. Nikolas leans forward again, cradling his hammering head in his hands again. Lucky made a decision that changed his life forever. And at the time, he did it because he thought it was best. Who for, that's hard to say. But certainly not himself. And it's destroyed him, slowly but surely, ever since.

Pictures of the last month keep flashing pat Nikolas' eyes. The insanity, the completely irrational and self-destructive things Lucky had done. This was why. It wasn't petty, it wasn't small, it wasn't about hatred of anything but himself. Nikolas sits up again. Why the hell does he feel this way? Like he's just been punched in the stomach, hovering on the edge of panic. He can't even put names on the feelings swirling around inside of him. It's overwhelming, too much at once.

Nikolas stands up, pacing the clearing at a brisk pace. Ok. Enough of this. You got what you wanted. You understand. It all is starting to make sense. And it's not ever all bad. But GOD, you have to admit… it's your turn. You didn't do this to him, but you're the reason it happened. And if no one else is going to protect him… Nikolas stops, his breath catching. He knows this feeling. This kind of gnawed, he's felt it before. A sort of possessive fury when someone messes with what is his, what he's responsible for. He's not sure it's ever gripped him with this kind of ferocity.

If no one else is going to protect him, Nikolas realizes, then I will.

Hillside, Greece.

Emily is sitting cross-legged half way down the hill, the letter clenched in her hand, staring off into the distance. There are still the remnants of shed tears on her cheeks, but she makes no move to brush them away. She doesn't move, except for the occasional blink. Even her breathing appears nonexistent. Behind her, she becomes aware, of someone approaching over the grass. She doesn't turn around or acknowledge them, even when they sink down beside her.

Lucky: (quietly) I was looking for you.

Em: You found me. (Lucky reaches out and runs the knuckle of his index finger down the side of Emily's cheek. She looks over at him.)

Em: What?

Lucky: You've been crying.

Em: Yeah… (She looks away) Yeah, I have. (Lucky cups his hand against her face and forces her to look at him)

Lucky: Tell me about it.

Em: (Smiling slightly) Just like that.

Lucky: Yeah.

Em: I will if you will. (Lucky's face clouds. He looks down at the ground a moment, then back at her)

Lucky: Yeah. Sounds fair. I guess we'll call it a draw then? (Emily feels tears welling in her eyes again. A draw. She should have known he'd choose that. Lucky sees the look on her face and moves closer to her. He leans into her, studying her expression. He had no idea what to expect when he'd gone off in search of Emily. Nikolas hadn't been exactly communicative. In fact, he'd had amazingly little to say. It's obvious, however, that something upset her. He looks at her in empathy.) Emily. (She looks up at him, seeing his concern. God. She feels herself lean into him, then stops. Lucky, taking the cue, catches her mouth with his, and kisses her softly.

Lucky: (whispering) I'm sorry, Em. (He lifts her head, and kisses her again) I'm sorry… (Emily catches the beginnings of a sob in her throat and holds it stubbornly, letting him kiss her. She responds only slightly, out of instinct more than anything else. She doesn't trust herself to let go enough to actually kiss him back. The emotion gets stuffed back down, getting stuck in her chest and constricting her breathing. She pulls away from Lucky in desperation.)

Em: Don't! (Emily scrambles away from him, struggling to catch her breath. She stumbles to her feet, pulling breath into her lungs, and turns her back on him. After a moment, Lucky follows her, coming up behind her, and puts a hand on her shoulder). I can't do this. I'm trying so hard, Lucky…

Lucky: I know you are. (He bows his head, and exhales) I don't know how to talk about him, Emily. I don't know how to say it out loud. (Emily turns around to face him)

Em: Just SAY it! (at the anger in Emily's voice Lucky steps back, immediately getting defensive)

Lucky: There's nothing to say! Why isn't that ok? (Emily lets out a short non- laugh, looking upward) There isn't anything I can say to make it go away, Emily. It doesn't work like that.

Em: It doesn't have to go away! (Emily stops, running a hand through her hair, trying to calm herself, step away from the argument) Lucky… I can deal with sleeping outside in the middle of nowhere. I can deal with you and Nikolas never being able to say more than ten words without setting off some kind of emotional A-bomb. I can deal with trying to figure out how I feel about everything that's happened to me in the last month… But I can't do this. I need to know. I need to know that I still know you. (Lucky's expression softens, moving from anger to pain)

Lucky: Emily. (She closes her eyes, shaking her head)

Em: (a whisper) Just do it. (She looks back at him) It's that simple. Just open your mouth and let something come out. (Lucky stares at her for a long moment, then opens his mouth slightly. Nothing comes forward. Emily feels herself begin to crack again, when he suddenly speaks)

Lucky: I'm trying to forget about him Emily. Talking about him won't help me do that. (Emily stares at him, stunned, both by the confession and the fact that he did actually talk).

Em: Forget about him? Lucky…

Lucky: It's the only way. It's not going to work any other way. (Lucky's words are determined, not leaving much room for debate. Emily stares at him)

Em: Is that what all of this is about? Being back on the road? Hunting down Cassadines? Is that about forgetting him? (Lucky turns away, feeling suddenly panicked. )

Lucky: (unsteady) Look. You asked…

Em: He still loves you. I know that.

Lucky: (viciously) SO WHAT? (Emily stops dead)

Em: So what? So… Everything!

Lucky: You want simple, Emily? I can give you simple. I don't want to be his son anymore. I want it to be over. I did what I did and he knows about it. That's it. Everything is different.

Em: Except how he feels about you! (Lucky stares at her a moment, then shakes his head, as if there is some sort of irony in that statement).

Lucky: Emily… When we broke up… (Emily looks away, fighting exasperation)

Em: Oh, Lucky…

Lucky: Listen to me, Emily. That was the most honest moment we ever shared. (Emily gapes at him) You said stuff I'm never going to forget about, ok? It's in there. Every word, every look… I remember it. The worst part was watching you try not to believe it. Listening to you tell me you knew I couldn't do it. I don't want to do that with him. I don't want to look at him and have him tell me why I did this. What he's decided my reasons were. Because he'll be wrong. And I'll have to tell him. And that will be it. (Emily looks at him, shaken. After a moment, she speaks, her voice thin)

Em: Can I ask you a question? (Lucky looks back at her) How well do you remember our first kiss? (At this point, Lucky seems to realize he's taken a bad turns somewhere in this conversation) What about the first time I told you I loved you? Or the first time we made love? (Tears start to stream down Emily's face) Do those just not rate on this scale? You're telling me… (She looks at him, shaking, the words come out shaky) When you undress me, when I lie down with you, when I let you inside me… That's a lie? That's not the most honest thing I've ever done with you? What the hell do you THINK of me, Lucky? (Lucky closes his eyes. Oh, GOOD. Hey, at least they aren't talking about his father anymore. Except that the two topics, when talking to Emily, get completely wrapped up in each other. He looks back at her, at the anger and hurt on her face. This has to stop. He can't keep doing this to her. Lucky drops down onto the grass, and leans his arms on his knees.)

Lucky: (quietly) If we're reviewing moments of honesty, Emily… You're going to come out way ahead of me. Maybe that's it. (He looks up at her. Emily stares back at him. There are tears gathering in his eyes, and she can tell he's struggling not to turn away) I can't stop thinking about something. If you want to know when I've been honest with you… That night. The night we got back together. Do you know how much I think about that? (Emily shakes her head) I've tried to forget it. I've tried to block it out, pretend I never felt like that, forget it happened…

Em: (in shock) Why?

Lucky: Do you know how badly I wanted that? Do you have any idea? (Emily stares at him, then decides to make this slightly easier on him, and crouches down next to him, so that they are eye level. Lucky takes a shaky breath and continues) That was the center of my whole life at that point. Everything, I made everything about it. I blamed everything on not having you. On losing you. On blowing the only thing in my life that was “good”. (He smiles bitterly at the memory) It was this daily torture I could put myself through. It was the reason I didn't just leave town. Maybe so I could still have the chance of getting you back. Or maybe so that I could never forget I'd had you… And I didn't anymore. Then one night, out of nowhere… And that was what it felt like. Like months of going over and over what had happened, and then suddenly there you are, in front of me, and you're saying everything I thought I wanted to hear. You'd said I was never going to hear you say “I love you” again… but I was. And when I reached out to you, you didn't turn away. You let me hold you… I… (He stops, bowing his head a moment. No real way to say this without sounding incredibly wimpy, but… He looks back at her. He has to tell her. That simple) It was like… I couldn't hear anymore. I couldn't feel anything. It was this incredible moment where everything just stopped. I can't even explain how I felt. It wasn't… Happy. It was beyond that. It was like… Euphoria. (He smiles again, looking at her with love) Intense. When you kissed me, finally, after all that time, after thinking you were never going to feel like that about me again… It was like nothing would ever was ever going to exist outside of that. Nothing ever could. And… That was honest. Everything I was feeling, everything I wanted at that moment… It was just about feeling. Real and honest feeling. Because I love you so much. (Emily stares at him, a small smile on her lips. Lucky has never ever talked like this to her. Even knowing, without doubt, that he loved her, she'd never known he thought things like this. Or felt them)

Em: Lucky…

Lucky: There's this thing about life, Em… (Emily's smile falters. Right. Reality check). When you get your happy ending? You… Still get up the next day. And you gotta look at your life and realize… You haven't changed. You're still the same person you were. It's just… Everything else… everything you did. That's what changed. We changed. You're right, we've never been like we were before…

Em: No. But I don't WANT to be what we were before.

Lucky: What… Part? Happy?

Em: We're more real than we ever were before. Lucky… I saw you through this cloud of idolization, and Infatuation… And hormones. Lots of hormones. And I loved you. I'm not saying that wasn't real. But I didn't love you like this. My eyes are wide open. When I look at you, I see who you really are. And I think that's the part you can't handle. God. It's like you're mad at me for loving you!

Lucky: No. That's not it.

Em: Then what is it?

Lucky: I want to let you go, Emily. (Emily stares at him, feeling like a cannonball just ripped through the center of her.) I want to let you go, I want you to be happy. And I don't make you happy anymore. But I can't. I can't even start to try to… I wish I could say it's because I couldn't hurt you like that, but… I think I keep proving, I can hurt you almost any way I can think of… and a few that don't even occur to me until I do them. I can't do it for entirely selfish reasons. I can't do it because, even with everything else, it hurts too much not to have you.

Em: Damnit. (She puts her head down, crying. Lucky looks at her, miserable, not feeling like he has the right to reach out to her again. She looks up at him, infuriated) I hate this. I hate this SO much. All of it! How the hell did this happen to us? I mean… God, at one point, I know I made you happy…

Lucky: You DO make me happy.

Em: NOTHING makes you happy! I might make you smile sometimes, but that's it. I can't make you forget. I can't make you forgive yourself. I can't even make you believe that I don't really CARE about what you did. Or why. All I care about it making it stop. And I can't. No one can but you.

Lucky: I don't know how to. I don't know… I don't want to feel this way. I don't want to keep hurting you. But I don't know how to NOT feel like this. I can't… I can't let my guard down. I can't just relax and let myself… (He stops, too choked up to continue. Emily looks at him, tears still streaming down her face. Lucky puts his head down, struggling. Emily sighs, and moves over to him, wrapping her arms around him, laying against his back)

Em: Who you are… You're so much more than what you did. You have to stop acting like that is all that mattered. (Lucky sits up, quickly, and Emily moves away. She waits for him to look at her. His face is red with the effort of not allowing himself to break down. He pulls her back to him, burying his face against his hair)

Lucky: just tell me what was wrong. Please. (Emily leans against him, her stomach knotting again. She doesn't feel like getting into it. From day one, the only way she's had to really deal with Hannah and what happened to her, is by dealing with the chaos it caused. She doesn't even know how to start to deal with it as an actual reality. Independent of the rest of this).

Em: Let's just say… I do understand why not talking is easier.

Lucky: And I think I get why not hearing hurts.

Em: I'm not trying to hurt you. (lucky laughs, bitterly, against her)

Lucky: We're melding. (He pulls back and looks at her, tears finally escaping his eyes) You know what keeps me going? Most of the time… Is knowing… For some crazy reason, sometimes, when my mind isn't spinning… I can help you. (Emily reaches out and brushes the tears from his face)

Em: You do. You have.

Lucky: Let me help you with this. Whatever it is. I can't make you any promises, but I can try to take care of you. It's what I need. More than anything else, I need you. (his voice breaks) I hate saying that. I don't mind any of the rest of it, I just hate needing you this much. I hate feeling weak.

Em: No, Lucky. You want weak? I can give you a guided tour down that road…

Lucky: No. (He reaches out and pulls her into his arms, closing down the topic. He always does, Emily thinks, lying against him. ) I don't care about that stuff, Emily. I don't. (His grip on her tightens, almost becoming ferocious, as if nothing on earth could tear her from it. Emily feels a now familiar ache in her side, in response, but only holds him tighter. After several moments, she feels the tremor running through him begin to lessen, just a little. He pulls back a little, finally, to look at her.) What was it? Why were you crying? (the question, 'was it me' is unasked, but hangs there, all the same. Emily smiles ruefully and kisses him lightly, before struggling out of his arms. Lucky is loathed to let go, but does so. She holds up the letter, clenched in her hand)

Em: It's from Hannah. Nikolas had it. I asked him to give it to me. (Lucky stares at it a long moment)

Lucky: I'd forgotten. (He clears his throat) They were to say goodbye. (Emily nods, staring at the paper, now crumpled and torn a bit.)

Em: Yep. That's what she said. (She gets a distant look in her eyes, allowing Lucky to move entirely out of his quagmire of emotions and into hers. He reaches out and takes the letter from her. She releases her grip. He takes the paper, not looking at it, and smoothes it, then refolds it, and slides it into the pocket of Emily's shirt)

Lucky: Then you better hang onto it. (Emily feels her eyes well up again, and nods, biting her lip. She leans into Lucky again and kisses him again, then lies her head down on his shoulder. Lucky closes his eyes, holding her, and lets himself feel, momentarily, calm).