Chapter One Hundred Eighty:
Trouble in Mind

The Spring

The water is cold. Painfully cold, given the surrounding heat. It's the product of having bubbled up from some recess in the earth and escaping the surface elements. It’s jarring as it pours over Lucky's hand, having saturated the torn T-shirt he's holding. He shakes it off and puts the canteen Nikolas filled down, resting it against his thigh.

He tries to ignore the invitation… the feeling of something real and undeniable trying to convince him that he's conscious and alive. That something is going on. He wrings the cloth out slightly and water runs in a stream over his wrist, down his arm, dripping off his elbow onto the ground. It's too late. The numb is fading. He can already feel the swirl of emotion in his stomach. Sick feeling… and the taste of bile. He can feel his chest constrict, not assisting his breathing which is already encumbered by the dead weight lying against his chest. He bites down on his bottom lip, hard, to distract himself from any rising panic. He can't surrender to it. Staying numb, turning off, that's the only sense of control he has right now. And it's hanging by a thread.

Lucky presses the water soaked cloth to Emily's forehead, tangling her dark hair in his fingers. She doesn't react. Still out and dead to this world. God he'd kill for her to just open her eyes, count to ten… he'd settle for three. But that's not going to happen.

He'd been warned. He can't escape that, even in his disconnected state of mind. He’d been warned. Be careful. She needs medical attention. If you push her…

He'd been irritated by that at the time. He was trying to save her, to keep her safe. Of course he wouldn't push. He loved her… he'd never do anything to HURT her.

Right. And he just kept proving that in all sorts of new and exciting ways. Hell, if he loved her anymore, she'd be dead by now.

The first thing he remembers thinking after she collapsed was "at least she was breathing this time". This time… It wasn't like the parking lot, cold and still. No, she was breathing hard, her chest rising and falling rapidly and her face flushed. When he'd noticed her hand twitch he'd thought it was a good sign.

He had started to move his hand under her, to lift he up in his arms, when her body suddenly bucked. He'd sat back, bringing his hands back like he's just touched a hot stove. He must have done something wrong. Maybe he shouldn't move her… She'd bucked again, without him even touching her and then it began to dawn on him. His mind had begun to race as she let out a low, guttural sound and the full force of the attack had taken hold of her. Her eyes had rolled back in her head, and her hand, previously limp at her side, had clenched as her whole body jerked violently.

"She's having a seizure."

Leave it to Nikolas to state the obvious.

Lucky gently moves the cotton rag down from Emily's forehead to her cheek, squeezing the cloth so that rivers of water slide down her face, under her chin and bleed into the material of her shirt. He's not sure how much time has past since her seizure. He can't remember it with any clarity. Just that Nikolas was there. He'd said something… He'd said a lot of things. But he hadn't listened. Not consciously, at least. He must have listened to some degree, because they were here now. And that wasn't his doing.

Emily has a fever. That much is clear. He's not sure how that fits in… Carly never mentioned it. But it stood to reason. Weak was weak. When your body betrays you, it doesn't necessarily sent out a warning, telling you which trip down it's going to take. And if Emily had known… if she'd really known this would happen… Why didn't he TELL her? Why didn't he listen more to what Carly said? And how is he going to make this go away?

Nikolas watches Lucky carefully from the other side of the spring. He crouches to fill the other canteen, not taking his eyes off his brother. Eventually, Lucky's got to do something that will indicate that he is still in there some place. He hasn't said a word… not a single word… since Emily collapsed, and that is just out of character. Even when she was hit, Lucky had something to say. He reacted. Now… He just was. It was foreign, and the last thing anyone needed was another gigantic swing in… well, anything.

Nikolas dips his hand into the spring and brings it up to drop the water down the back of his neck. Ok. Enough is enough. He has to do something.

Nik: Lucky. (Lucky doesn't show any signs of having heard him, and continues to apply the cold water to Emily's forehead) Lucky. (Lucky exhales. Nikolas pauses, then decides that's as much as a admission of consciousness he's going to get.) We can't wait here. I mean, not both of us. I have to go. (Lucky gives a slight nod, still focusing on Emily) You can stay and take care of her. Just keep… doing that. She should come out of it. (Lucky stops his motion and stares hard at the ground. Nikolas coughs, and looks down the path) I should be able to get to the island in a couple of hours. I'll move as fast as I can… we can leave everything here, right? (Still, no real response) I'll bring someone back and we can get to the island.

Lucky: (quietly) And what happens there… (Nikolas blinks. Ok, he talked… and somehow that doesn't make him feel any better)

Nik: I'll get a doctor. (Lucky doesn't say anything) Lucky? (Nothing) Lucky, come on.

Lucky: What?

Nik: I said we'll get a doctor, she's going to be fine.

Lucky: You're going to do whatever it is that you're going to do. (Nikolas furrows his brow)

Nik: Yeah. I'm going to walk the rest of the way, you're going to stay here, and I'll come back for you. (Lucky picks up the canteen and re-soaks the cloth, then continues to attend to Emily) Lucky. (Nikolas shifts his weight) Lucky!

Lucky: What?

Nik: Did you hear me?

Lucky: Yeah.

Nik: So… (Lucky stares at him a moment)

Lucky: Do you want my permission? (Nikolas opens his mouth to respond then stops as he realizes, on some level, he does.)

Nik: I just… (He struggles. He wants to reach out to Lucky, some how, he wants to let him know he'll take care of him. But this is LUCKY. He never allows for that. he goes to great lengths to avoid it. Something as simple as getting the blanket for him in the ER. Lucky had flinched at that gesture. What is he supposed to do now? And how does he know he's not going to hit some secret switch that will send Lucky into some kind of insanity. He takes a careful breath. Well. he has to do something.) I'm just making sure we're clear. (Lucky nods, his attention on Emily. Nikolas stands up and looks down the path. Ok. All clear. You can leave now… he looks back at Lucky) You'll be here. (Lucky sighs and looks down at the cloth in his hand)

Lucky: Where am I going to go?

Nik: I don't know. (Lucky continues applying the cloth to Emily. Nikolas again tries to prod himself to go. Something is holding him here and it won't let go) Lucky. Lucky… will you look at me? (Lucky looks up) I’m going.

Lucky: I know.

Nik: Now.

Lucky: (after a moment) Yeah.

Nik: And… (The sentence dies. Tact isn't going to work here) Look. I need to know you'll be here. I need you to SWEAR you're not going to do anything crazy. (Lucky looks at him for a long moment)

Lucky: (flat) I'm not going to do anything crazy. (That brings no relief to Nikolas as he realizes who he's talking to.)

Nik: I want you to promise you're not going to move from this spot. No matter what. Not if Emily wakes up or… or Whatever. (Lucky's eyes narrow at that statement. He searches Nikolas' face unapologetically)

Lucky: (quietly) Wakes up? (Nikolas, recognizing that he's getting an actual reaction to that, steps back.

Nik: Yeah…

Lucky: You… (He gives a slight smile that suggests he's not actually finding anything funny) You know what's wrong with her. (Nikolas raises his eyebrows, a bit surprised)

Nik: Lucky, I told you…

Lucky: You spent enough time in hospitals to have a clue. And that night in the parking lot… you knew we shouldn't move her… you said head injuries were a specialty. (Nikolas falls into confusion)

Nik: What are you…

Lucky: Tell me what's wrong with her. (Nikolas feels his breath leave him. He's already given his theory on Emily's condition. Three time)

Nik: (after a moment) Heat stroke. Probably.

Lucky: She had a seizure, Nikolas! (Nikolas drops down to a crouch so that he and Lucky are on the same level.)

Nik: That could still be heat stroke! Lucky, I'm not saying she doesn't need a doctor. She does. And we'll get her one. (Lucky laughs, leaning back against the rock)

Lucky: HOW?

Nik: I'll GET one! (Lucky shakes his head. Damn. So much for numb. He's never been really good at that one anyway)

Lucky: When? In a few hours? Do you know what could happen in a few… (His throat closes up and Lucky looks away)

Nik: You've got water here. You've got some shade. You just have to keep taking care of her… and I KNOW you can do that. You're all she needs right now, Lucky. You're enough…

Lucky: Will you STOP that? (Nikolas sits back, caught off guard by the anger in Lucky's words) God, do you think I'm stupid? Do you think I didn't look into what could happen when I took her out of the hospital? We don't KNOW what could be going on right now. We don't know what's happened to her!

Nik: (vehemently) its just heat stroke. Bad heat stroke, yeah, but…

Lucky: (bitterly) Yeah? And you were just shot in the neck. (Nikolas stops and stares at Lucky as that sinks in)

Nik: Lucky. (He feels his mouth go dry. He hasn't been letting himself think about the other possibilities. Not really. There can't be any other choices. Whatever is wrong with Emily has to be fixable and that is all there is to it. And it's classic heat stroke. She's burning up, she had lost all concept of reason before she collapsed… but he can't promise. He wants to, but he can't promise Lucky he's wrong. And he can't even think about what happens if Lucky's right.) She's going… She's going to be alright. She has to be.

Lucky: She… She… (He stops again, fighting against a choking pain in his throat. God, he can't breathe. He can feel tears pricking at his eyes and turns his head, staring hard at a rock on the opposite side of the spring. He can’t cry. He just can't. He closes his eyes and tears leak out, running down his cheek. He lowers his head, burying it in the tangled mess of Emily's hair. He hears the shuffling of dirt and the sounds of Nikolas moving closer. He still jumps when he feels his brother's hand come down on his shoulder. Aside from that violent physical reaction, his brain just won't process anything else. God, he's failing at this. He's failing at the one thing he's always been able to do. How did this happen? How did he let this happen?)

Nik: Lucky… (Lucky can hear the pain in Nikolas' voice. he doesn't want to know its source. he doesn't want to listen anymore. He doesn't want to be here. He never should have come. Why didn't he just let Nikolas go off on his own idiotic plan? He could have gotten Emily the hell away from all of this and just holed up some place far away, let her recover at her own speed, and then… just let the rest all fall away. Let it dissolve from memory. Emily was right. Chasing after Cassadines was no way to forget where he came from. What has it ever been but a road to ruin? First the mob, now this. he really is following in his father's footsteps… A strangled sob escapes from Lucky and he holds Emily to him tighter. He can't lose her. He can't. She's all there is left. There's nothing to go back to and without her there's nothing to move toward. And he's already out of control. He's completely out of control.)

Lucky: I'm fine. (The words aren't even close to convincing. Its' such a weak argument and he knows it. He grits his teeth hard and breathes in the smell of Emily's sweat-dampened hair, clinging to his own skin. He can feel her heart beat, still, strong against him. he listens to it several moments. He can still feel the hand on his shoulder. Gripping him. Something in him, some how, finds it comforting, but that realization just causes intense pain. He has to pull it together before Nikolas does something crazy. Like try to hug him or something… Oh, God. He must been pretty damn pathetic to illicit this kind of sympathy. he takes several deep breaths then sits up, wiping tears from his eyes, impatiently. He adjusts his position, ignoring the emotional outburst, and manages to shrug off Nikolas' hand without looking TOO much like that is what he's trying to do. God. Another great moment for the history books.)

Lucky: (unsteady) Weren't… you going? (Nikolas doesn't answer. Lucky's eyes are darting everywhere but in his direction. Finally he lets out a long breath and looks over in Nikolas’ direction. Nikolas is crouched beside him, looking at him with an intensity that immediately chills Lucky. Oh, God… nothing good is going to come from this.

Nik: (quietly) We made a deal. (Lucky opens his mouth to respond, but comes up empty) We made a promise to each other that no one else dies. Not by Helena's hands or in her name! So I'm going to go now. And I'm going to come back and get you and we're both going to do everything we can to keep that promise. But you have to trust me. You have to believe me. (Lucky leans back against the rock, his eyes closed. He swallows painfully.)

Lucky: I don't have a choice.

Nik: You always have a choice. God, that's one thing I've learned about you so far. You always have one more option outside everyone else, because you don't have… limitations. And I know, if you want to bad enough, you'll find another way to get out of letting me handle this. (Lucky exhales. He doesn't want to listen to his) Lucky. That night, after Emily was first hit. After that happened, you tried to leave. Do you know where you were going? (Lucky opens his eyes, and looks at Nikolas, fatigued. Why bring that up?)

Lucky: Nikolas…

Nik: WHATEVER happens. Whatever you THINK is happening. You have to stay here! I have to be able to find you. and I know you were mad at me this morning and last night because you didn't know where I was. I know you think I'm just waiting for a chance to ditch you. I know I did everything I could when I first came here to make sure you knew I'd never lift a finger for you, but that's a lie, ok? It's not true. Not anymore. (Nikolas swallows hard. Come on. What's the worst thing that can happen if he just says this?) You've helped me. You've done a million things for me since Hannah died and I don't know if you want me to say thank you or not. I don't know what is just insulting to you and what you actually WANT from me, but… I am grateful. And I know I wouldn't have gotten this far without you. (Lucky's eyes seem to almost glaze over at this point, suggesting that he's not absorbing what Nikolas is saying anymore. Nikolas presses on, regardless) But I had to take a leap of faith to do it. And that's fair because… you're right. I set the tone. So it's only fair I have to trust you first before I can ask you to trust me. But… I'm asking you now, Lucky… Trust me.

Lucky: (shaking his head) This isn't about us…

Nik: Oh, to HELL with that! It has ALWAYS been about us! It's been about everything we keep doing to each other because neither one of us wants to actually risk saying they care. I don't want to lose anyone else, Lucky! I lost Katherine, I lost Hannah… I'm not going to lose you. (Nikolas pales at the words. Oh, God, what did he just say? He grapples for a moment, waiting for Lucky to go postal. Lucky, however, looks too stunned and overwhelmed by all events to say much of anything) I don't even know you. Not really. But damnit… I've been so mad at you most of my life. Just… for existing. And then… for hating me back. for just assuming you knew what I was… even though I did thing to you. And… for… (He shuts his eyes. Ok, this one stings) Even for telling me my mother was dead… For all of it. But… I don't even know when I forgave you, but I did. and if you haven't forgiven me… Then… I don't know. I'll keep trying. But you got to give me this chance and just swear you will stay here and keep taking care of Emily. (Lucky bristles at this, a sudden panic gripping him)

Lucky: And what? In a few HOURS I have to guarantee that circumstance will be exactly the same and…

Nik: You have to swear that, no matter WHAT the circumstance, you'll stick around! You'll be where I can find you! (Lucky looks at him, his eyes communicating what neither one of them is saying. That is the worst happens… if Emily has another seizure, that if it's not heatstroke, if it is the head injury and she gets worse… that he can't make any guarantees about what he'll do) Lucky, please. (Nikolas’ voice becomes pleading, to his own surprise. He can't believe how important this feels. This one promise. This one statement.) I know… You know I know how this feels. You got to trust me. You've got to take the leap and no matter what, you stay here and wait for me. Come on. (Lucky lets out a long, shaky breath)

Lucky: (slow) Heat stroke.

Nik: Heat stroke. (Lucky breathes in sharply, warding off all other thoughts. He leans over and picks up the canteen again and soaks the cloth. He wrings it out and looks back at Nikolas)

Lucky: What? You don't think I can handle that? (There is a slight mocking sound in Lucky's voice, though its' undermined by the tremor in his words. He gives Nikolas a slight smile, with traces of that cocky smirk that always irks Nikolas. It's not in his eyes though, and Nikolas feels his throat tighten. God, he has to make this ok for him. He just has to.)

Nik: (Smiling a little, weakly) You want to prove it to me?

Lucky: (looking away) I don't shrink from a challenge.

Nik: No. You don't. (They stay in silence. Lucky applies the cloth to Emily's forehead, and presses his lips to the top of her head for a long moment. Then he looks up)

Lucky: So what are you waiting for?

Nik: Nothing. (He stands up, picking up his canteen.) Take care. (He turns, forcing himself not to look back, and starts along the path. Lucky watches after him until he's disappeared around the bend, then sags back against the rock, his head spinning)

Lucky: God… what the hell was that?