Chapter Fourty-Seven:
Regrets

Luke's Club

Lucky enters, and spots Luke immediately. He walks behind the bar, pushing past his father, who turns, and grabs his son's shoulder.

Luke: Slow down there, Cowboy. (Lucky stops and turns to looks at his father. Luke jerks his head back when he spots the swelling on Lucky's jaw) What the hell happened to you?

Lucky: Guess. (He turns and walks past his father, into the back. Luke shakes his head, picks up a dishtowel, and fills it with ice, his face displaying both concern and frustration. He follows Lucky into the back office. Lucky is sitting on a folding chair against the wall. Luke passes him the towel and Lucky takes it unenthusiastically. He sighs, and puts it to his jaw.)

Luke: That Cassadine brat again?

Lucky: He's twenty, Dad. (Luke sits down behind the desk)

Luke: Your point?

Lucky: The "brat" tag is a little out of date.

Luke: (irritated -- he doesn't know when it got so hard to get a straight answer out of this kid) Just answer the damn question. (Lucky looks up, vexed at his father's tone)

Lucky: Yeah, it was Nikolas. So what?

Luke: So what is he doing back on the scene? When was the last time you two came to blows?

Lucky: I don't know. (He stands up, and moves over to the chair opposite his father) A year, at least.

Luke: Yeah. And since when are YOU the one with the battle scars? (Lucky doesn't say anything. He's not entirely sure why he let Nikolas walk off, except for the fact that it was an easier way to keep his pride intact, what with the fact that he wasn't sure he'd be able to walk straight. Secondly, in a twisted way, it felt like he'd won. A feeling he'd never had after an argument with Nikolas. Luke watches his son stare thoughtfully at the desk top, and finds himself getting more agitated). Lucky, what the hell is going on?

Lucky: (shrugging) Nothing, Dad. Nik and I have never seen eye to eye, we never will.

Luke: Yeah... More reason to ask why you're suddenly getting clocked NOW.

Lucky: (groaning) Not you too.. Look, I want to get guilt about this, I can go see Mom and Lulu, Ok? (Luke narrows his eyes at Lucky's defensiveness)

Luke: (calmer) You said he's been around more lately. Any idea why?

Lucky: (avoiding eye contact) I don't know. Maybe he's bored. (Luke says nothing until Lucky, getting increasingly nervous, finally looks at him)

Luke: What are you up to?

Lucky: (exasperated) I got into a fight with Nikolas. Yeah, it's been awhile, but it happens, you know?

Luke: I'm not buying, Lucky.

Lucky: What?

Luke: Emily came by tonight. She's moved back home. (Lucky, mind twisting in an attempt to connect the two, stares at him blankly)

Lucky: You're kidding.

Luke: You didn't know this?

Lucky: I left her at Jason's. She was talking about going back, but... No I didn't think she was doing it tonight.

Luke: What do you think of it?

Lucky: (heavily) Overall, I think she's crazy. But hey, I've done crazier things in the name of family. (Luke raises his eyebrows)

Luke: Like what? (Lucky's guts twist on him. He continues to stare at the wall coolly, pushing thoughts of Nikolas's paternity from his mind)

Lucky: Uh... Faking Mom's death?

Luke: Ok. I'll give you that. (There is a momentary silence)

Lucky: Go ahead, say it.

Luke: I don't have to say it. You know. You learned the lesson.

Lucky: It was dramatic.

Luke: It wasn't in the script.

Lucky: So sue me. Besides, it worked out. Sort of.

Luke: (wistfully) I did love that gun. (Lucky groans and sinks into his chair)

Lucky: I knew you'd have to say it.

Luke: I'm over it. I am. Besides, we have something more pressing to discuss.

Lucky: Yeah, I've been getting that feeling. (Luke smiles broadly. Lucky knows this look. Nothing good EVER follows that look)

Luke: When were you going to tell me about Aunt Hannah? (Lucky doesn't blink. Inwardly, however, he tenses).

Lucky: I told you there was more to it.

Luke: I know.

Lucky: I thought Emily should know first. (Luke fold his arms across his chest and looks at Lucky, eyebrows raised.)

Luke: And she just ... What? Spilled this to you after her set one night?

Lucky: Ok, fine. Some stuff didn't fit, Ok? Like the nervousness, and stuff. (Lucky grabs onto this straw) That was a big thing -- two years singing experience and she's totally wigging out every night before she goes on?

Luke: You're saying she didn't had a job singing before she came here?

Lucky: That's what I'm saying.

Luke: So... Is this to suggest that I'd fire her if I found out?

Lucky: (realizing that one's not going to fly) No, I'm just saying that's part of why I looked into her.

Luke: So what did you find?

Lucky: That she was Emily's aunt.

Luke: That's it?

Lucky: That's all that's important.

Luke: Lucky... (Lucky stops and considers his options. He can't afford to have his father take off on this one. And he would. Immediately. He takes a deep breath)

Lucky: Just trust me on this. (Luke considers this. He leans back in the chair and takes in his son. Lucky, used to this, looks back, as blankly as possible. Looking innocent is the surest way to get his father on his case. Luke leans forwards, on the desk, and gestures for Lucky to do the same. Lucky drops the towel, and does so, dutifully. Luke fixes his eyes on Lucky, staring him straight in the eye. The power line is drawn. Lucky feels himself begin to sink)

Luke: (quietly) I've been trying to figure out what's been gnawing at you a long time, Lucky. The numbers aren't adding up. For a while, things made some sort of sense -- you were tense with your mother, she said it was adolescence -- I didn't like it. You knew that. But I gave you space to work it out on your own. Then things got a little more bizarre, well, that turned out to be Caroline. Still don't understand how you got yourself messed up in that. After that, problems with Emily, I'll cut you slack there. But this, my boy, makes no sense. Now, I know you don't think I'm stupid. You gotta know when you start keeping secrets from me and showing up looking like you got hit by a bus-- (Lucky shakes his head, pulling back. Luke grabs his arm) Listen to me. Don't think I don't know that you're up to something. And don't ever doubt that I'll figure out what it is. You got something going, that's fine. I understand. I respect your space. But when you start lying to me -- (Lucky can't take it anymore. He leaps up from the chair, violently, and turns away from his father.)

Lucky: (shaking with rage -- an easy emotion to hide guilt behind) I TOLD you there was stuff you didn't know, didn't I? I told you to let me do this my way! Now you're what -- what? I've got stuff going on you don't know about, so that makes me a liar? (Lucky stops taking a deep breath. He struggles to quell the absolute self-loathing churning inside him) You taught me to be independent. To take care of my own -- well, that includes Emily. This is my problem and I'll handle it.

Luke: (with infuriating calm) I want you to be independent, Lucky --

Lucky: Just not independent from you, right?

Luke: (going from zero to sixty) NOW WAIT A MINUTE HERE! Don't you pull this stuff on me. You have been hiding the truth from me for a long time, and don't think I haven't noticed. (Lucky, breathing heavily, looks into his father's eyes, and is hit by a wave of shame so powerful he can barely stay standing. He lowers his eyes, looking at the floor.) You think I don't know you're about three months away from just taking off on all of us? (Lucky jerks his head up, in shock)

Lucky: What?

Luke: I'm not blind, Lucky. Emily's going away to school, you're going with her, right? (Lucky is speechless. He can't do any of this anymore. He leans against the wall, looking up at the ceiling, waiting for the speech to end so that he can open his mouth and lie to him again). You need to get away from this place to find out that you really can make it on your own, am I right? You think I don't understand that? You always stuck by your family, Lucky, but I never expected you to stay here by my side like the dutiful son. I've been waiting for you to tell me. What's taking you so long? I know you're not a coward, and you have to know you can always tell me what's going on. (Lucky swallows, trying to bring some moisture into his dry mouth. He'd tried to casually tell his father about his plans with Emily about a million times. He could never get the words out. It always felt to him like he was running away, and his father would see right through him.)

Lucky: (barely audible) It wasn't set.

Luke: Bull. (Lucky closes his eyes. He doesn't want to know what his father's face looks like. He has to get out of here. He has to find some way to leave, and in order to do that, he has to look at his father. Lucky steels himself, pushing all his emotions down into the pit of his stomach, and looks over at his Dad)

Lucky: (as evenly as he could possibly be expected to manage) I think I've been here too long. I love you Dad, and I always wanted to be worthy of being your son. If I stay here, I'm not giving myself a chance to do that. So yeah, we're leaving. And I don't know how long it'll be, or what's going to happen. But I'm not walking out on anything.

Luke: You've always been worthy, Lucky. (Luke crosses to him, and puts a firm hand on the back of Lucky's neck, meeting his eyes intensely.) You are the pride of my life. Nothing's ever going to change that. (Lucky uses every once of energy he has left to keep looking in his father's eyes. Mercifully, Luke pulls him into his arms and hugs him firmly) You do what you have to do.

Lucky: (hoarsely) I will. (Luke pulls back and regards him seriously)

Luke: In the meantime, your own is my own. Remember that. (Lucky nods. Luke smiles at him, deciding to give him some slack.) Give 'em hell, Cowboy. (He turns and walks out of the room, giving Lucky some time to himself. Lucky stands perfectly still after Luke leaves. He wants to break something, throw something -- just destroy anything he can get his hands on. He's dealt with bouts of self-hatred before, but none as sharp and strong and the wave he can feel cresting now. But he can't let it out. He can't surrender to it. He has to do something else. He pushes himself off the wall, and walks out the door.)

Hannah's apartment

Hannah paces back and forth across the carpet. It's been over an hour since Nikolas left, and he still hasn't come back. Given the force with which he'd slammed the door, she's pretty sure it's not because he and Lucky are discussing things sanely some place. She hears a noise by the door, and flies across the room, pulling the door open, surprising Nikolas.

Hannah: Thank God. (She hugs him tightly) I was so worried you'd done something stupid. (Nikolas says nothing. After a moment, she pulls back, rubbing her hands up his arms) You're freezing!

Nik: (Pushing past her) I went for a walk. (Hannah watches him a moment.... Then turns around and closes the door. Nikolas replaces her in pacing the carpet. She turns back to him)

Hannah: You went for a walk... In the middle of winter with no coat?

Nik: I didn't care. (Hannah nods. She waits for him to give her another clue. Nikolas stops and looks back at her) I did do something stupid. (He sinks onto the couch) I hit him.

Hannah: Lucky? (Nikolas doesn't say anything. She shakes her head.) Of course, I'm sorry. That was ... Are you Ok?

Nik: Physically or... Otherwise?

Hannah: Both.

Nik: Well, my hand is a little tender. And I the rest... I can't figure that out.

Hannah: What happened?

Nik: (distantly) I never did that before.

Hannah: Hit him?

Nik: I've hit him. But never without provocation. (Hannah sits down next to him)

Hannah: Without provocation? He was provoking you before you even left.

Nik: No. He always takes the first swing. Then this weekend, I saw him at the house, and .... I almost hit him then. And he didn't do anything. I told myself it was just because of Lulu. (He shakes his head) We've traded places. He walked away from me TWICE today. And I couldn't let him go.

Hannah: He's your brother, Nikolas.

Nik: (angrily) What does that MEAN? How am I supposed to put significance onto that fact? What cause do I have to think of him as anything other than a nemesis. He's never given me a reason to care about him.

Hannah: It just happens! You can't tell me that it doesn't hurt to watch him turn away from you. What's worse --- that he hates you, or that he doesn't care? (Nikolas doesn't answer) You know what? Both you and Lucky have told me that if I'm just going to be cold and distant with Emily, then I should just stop things where they are. Kind of like you were speaking from personal experience.

Nik: (quietly) You don't know what he used to be like. If I entered a room, he'd go ballistic. And, somehow, that meant something. He hated me so much, it was proof that my presence meant something. Now, he's cold. And I don't want to believe that he's really feeling that way. But the guy I met when I first came here was emotional, and hot headed. Easily provoked.

Hannah: Do you think there's any chance he's taking your lead? You said you never threw the first punch -- but did you ever walk away? (Nikolas nods)

Nik: That was my strategy. It drove him crazy. I wouldn't have admitted it at the time, but that's what I was usually trying to do -- drive him crazy.

Hannah: What made you hit him?

Nik: He had the nerve to ... Point out the obvious.

Hannah: (furrowing her brow) You sound like you're defending him.

Nik: I'M the one who hit him! Are you saying that he deserved it?

Hannah: I wasn't there.

Nik: There was NO reason to hit him! I should have just let him go.

Hannah: I'm just trying to understand what you're so upset about -- That you hit him, or that he made you do it.

Nik: Every other time we've come to blows, I could say, without doubt, that he drove me to it. This time... He didn't do anything. This is my fault. (He stands up, frustrated) I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm not supposed to BE like this. (He looks over at her) And I'm still avoiding what I know I have to say.

Hannah: What?

Nik: I keep trying to pretend that it's not important. But it is.

Nik: I can't pretend you're not .... I told you about my uncle's wife. The advice-giver.

Hannah: Yes.

Nik: She was murdered. Lucky just pointed out to me that .... (He shakes his head) Between the Spencers and my own family, the people who enter our circle tend to get used as pawns. Katherine was pushed and pulled in so many directions that eventually ... We just should have known that she'd die for her involvement with us. That we'd be the death of her.

Hannah: (shakily) What are you telling me?

Nik: You have a right to know what you're getting into. I like to deny this truth about my life, but the fact is...

Hannah: Are you saying I'm going to die?

Nik: No. NO, that's not what I'm saying.

Hannah: Well, you're saying something.

Nik: I'm saying that you run the risk of being used. I can try to stop it, but...

Hannah: Nikolas. No one knows about us, except for Lucky.

Nik: Lucky's a Spencer. As long as he keeps it to himself, then you're safe. But once it gets out --

Hannah: It won't. Lucky won't tell. He enjoys the power of the knowledge too much.

Nik: I wouldn't stake too much on Lucky doing the expected. Besides, eventually, his father will know everything. That's the way that family works.

Hannah: No secrets.

Nik: Not the Spencers. Well.. My Mother is another issue. But Lucky isn't. He's always been a proponent of full-disclosure.

Hannah: I... (She struggles to figure out what to say. She wasn't prepared for this. She can't summon the performance she feels she needs to give at this news. She turns away from him) I need some time to think about this, Nikolas. It's a lot to absorb. (she turns back) But let me handle Lucky.

Nik: No one can "handle" Lucky.

Hannah: (quietly) That doesn't mean I shouldn't try. (She crosses her arms, and looks down at the floor. She realizes she has to manipulate this situation, but feels too numb to push. She steels herself and looks back at him) This really suggests that I'm right -- we should just keep this to ourselves for as long as possible. Promise me that, Nikolas. That no one has to know. That's the only way I can feel safe. (Nikolas nods).

Nik: I have to face what it is I am, what it means to be a part of my life -- even the parts I don't like. You're right. I can't be normal, and we can't be a "regular" couple. It's ridiculous to even try.

Hannah: I can accept this, if you promise me that no one, not even your family, will know about us.

Nik: We can't silence Lucky.

Hannah: I think we can. I think that he doesn't want Emily to get hurt, and he won't tell for that reason.

Nik: I can't guarantee you're right.

Hannah: I have to be. There's no other choice.

Emily's bedroom.

Emily lies on the bed, already in her pajamas, going over her history notes. There is a tapping at the window. She doesn't look up. The tapping comes again. She glances over, distractedly. Her jaw drops when she sees Lucky, crouched outside her window. She looks at the door nervously, then dashes over to it, making sure it's locked. She looks back at Lucky, who raises his eyebrows at her. She shakes her head. Out of practice, she thinks. She feels her blood start to race through her veins. She walks over to the window, slowly, teasingly, and undoes the latch.

Em: (Pulling him inside) Did anyone see you? (Lucky shoots her an unamused look. Emily sees him full-on for the first time and gasps) OH my GOD. (Lucky winces)

Lucky: Can we --

Em: (very gently touching his cheek) What happened?

Lucky: What usually happens?

Em: Nikolas did this? (Lucky shrugs.)

Lucky: (quietly) It's not important. (Lucky shakes his head, and forces himself to be a little less dark. He lets his eyes move down her frame) Nice outfit.

Em: (blushing slightly) Nothing you haven't seen before. What's going on? (Lucky shakes his head. Emily looks at him with concern. She can't imagine what could have sparked this kind of confrontation with Nikolas)

Lucky: I had to see you.

Em: (she smiles at him) I can't believe you did this again. I think we're regressing. (Lucky doesn't answer. Emily realizes that he has yet to make eye contact with her. She tries to get him to face her, but he stubbornly refuses to look at her.) Lucky. (He sighs, and finally meets her gaze.)

Lucky: (defensively) What? (Emily looks at him, her brow knit. Lucky's eyes fill with tears and he quickly looks away again. She absorbs this a moment, then wraps her arms around his neck. He closes his eyes and pulls her against him, her body warm and soft through the thin material. He buries his face in her hair, breathing in the scent of it.)

Em: (in a whisper) This isn't about Nikolas, is it? (Lucky doesn't respond, but she feels a shudder run through his body, answering for him. She pulls away, stepping back from him.) What happened? (Lucky shakes his head, and looks down, utterly defeated. Emily looks at him, in his complete emotional chaos, and knows all she has to know. It's been a long time since she's seen him like this -- In fact she's not sure she has EVER seen him this upset. Something must have happened with Luke, and Lucky is hating himself for it. She steps closer to him, and slides her hands up his chest, and around his neck again. She stands on her toes and lightly brushes her lips along the forming bruise on his cheek. She drags her mouth slowly down his jaw, and across his face, up to his other cheek, laying a trail of light kisses on his face. She pulls him even closer, and puts her lips up to his ear) I love you, Lucky. (She feel the air rush out of him, only just realizing that he was holding his breath). And I'm always going to love you. Because I know you... I know your heart and your soul. And I know you're going to get through this. (She kisses his neck, then his jaw line, working her way back to his mouth. Lucky's arms enclose around her, and he captures her mouth with his, kissing her for all he's worth. Emily meets his passion, trying to pull the pain out of him, and replace it with the love she feels for him. Lucky grips her like a tree in a storm, feeding off her. She pulls him down onto the bed with her, kissing him hungrily. Dizzy with desire for her, Lucky complies, losing himself in her --- trying to abandon all of the guilt and shame, surrendering to the knowledge that she loves him, regardless. He runs his hands up her frame, letting them slip under the top of her pajamas. Emily threads her fingers through his hair, responding encouragingly to his every touch. Lucky, dazed, pulls away from her and begins to kiss her neck, softly, letting his lips caress the tender skin. Emily arches against him, feeling her heart race. She gasps.) Nothing is ever going to change how I feel about you, Lucky. Nothing ever could. (Lucky stops kissing her, his father's words echoing in his head).

Lucky: (tightly) How do you know that?

Em: (taking his face in her hands) I know that as much as I've ever known anything. (She sees the pain in his eyes, and lifts her head to kiss him deeply, pulling Lucky back into the moment with her. This time he lets go completely, surrendering to her, letting her distract him from every other ugly thing inside of him, and feeling her love.)