Chapter One Hundred Sixty:
Du Bist Mein

The Pappas House, The edge of the Cassadine Domain.

George Pappas, oldest son of the elder George Pappas, straightens his tie for the fourth time in the last five minutes, and clears his throat. Though he has had a full twelve hours warning of this visitation, he can't help but be anxious. This is the first time he will be meeting with the Regent as the head of his family. Alexis has been to the island every few months over the past three years, attending to business and observing the state of the compound. However, Stefan Cassadine has not been to Greece since before his wedding… in fact, he never even brought his bride there. The Prince's absence has been even more notable. He has not returned to Greece, for any reason, since he left without warning, following his operation in Switzerland. The purpose of toady's visit is unknown, but not entirely unexpected. After all, he is well aware of the expulsion of Helena Cassadine, and the meaning it holds for all of them.

Mariah, the youngest Pappas daughter, appears in the doorway.

Mariah: Father… (George looks over at his daughter and spots Mr. Cassadine standing behind her.)

George: Ah, Thank you, Mariah. (She steps aside to allow Stefan to enter. George crosses the room towards him.) Mr. Cassadine! It's an honor, as always, to have you in our family home once again.

Stefan: (nodding) And I apologize once more for the short notice. (He looks around the room, moving into the center)

George: How was your trip? The drive was not too difficult, I hope.

Stefan: In fact, it was enjoyable. (The tone of Stefan's voice is so flat it nearly contradicts his words) It has been a long time since I have been able to come to Greece.

George: I understand perfectly. (Stefan's eyes fall on a portrait of the Pappas family on the far wall. It's recent, considering, only including George and his children, three daughters and two sons. He turns back to the man).

Stefan: Alexis and I wish to extend, once more, our greatest sympathies on the passing of your eldest son. (A flicker of sadness crosses George's face)

George: I most humbly thank you for your concern. It has been… Difficult.

Stefan: A loss felt by all of us. I hope you understand why it was impossible for me to attend the memorial service personally.

George: Oh, certainly! I more than understand your circumstances at the time… (He clears his throat) And so close to the passing of your own wife.

Stefan: (nodding curtly) Yes. Just that.

George: Alexis has more than communicated to us the depths of your concern. I hope she also let you know that we mourned Mrs. Cassadine's passing as well.

Stefan: Yes. She made that very clear.

George: (realizing this is getting morose) Well! That aside, I'm certain you have a great many things you'd like to see to while you are here… The compound has been very empty the past few years.

Stefan: I can imagine.

George: I have arrange transport, as soon as you wish, we can…

Stefan: Yes… But I have not come here to inspect the grounds. I'm here on very different business. (George studies him a moment.)

George: I see. Very well… Oh. (George stops, noticing a figure in the doorway. He looks back at Stefan) We can speak in private in my study if you wish.

Stefan: I do.

George: Very well… I do notice however… (he puts his arm out, gesturing for the figure to enter) My son has come to pay regards. (Stefan turns around, facing a young man who has just stepped through the doorway. He is dark, his hair jet black and wavy, eyes deep brown, and his already dark skin deeply tanned. What is most striking about him, however, is his size. He stands at six feet tall, his posture straight. He is lean while not appearing slight, or skinny. He is dressed in black dress pants with a white shirt, his jacket over one arm. Stefan registers only the slightest reaction to his presence.)

Stefan: Ah, yes. (he forces himself to think a moment) Josef.

Josef: (nodding as he crosses the room) Mr. Cassadine. It's an honor. (His voice is slow and calm, quite different from his father's nervous manner. He speaks at only the most necessary volume, wasting no more energy than is necessary to be heard. He approaches and nods in such a manner that it nearly becomes a bow. Stefan regards him, sizing him up quickly)

Stefan: Alexis informs me that you have assumed security duties on the island in your brother's stead.

Josef: Until such time that his son is old enough to serve in his father's place, I feel it's my duty to attend to all which George valued. Including his service to your family.

Stefan: Your loyalty is deeply appreciated.

Josef: I thank you. (He smiles slightly) I'm afraid I must attend to some details now. They are minor, but require my attention.

George: Very well, Josef. Mr. Cassadine and I will be in the study, please inform Mariah that we are not to be disturbed. (Josef nods)

Josef: I'll speak to her on my way out. Oh, and Mr. Cassadine… Please send my best wishes to the Prince. (His smile returns, only slightly more evident) His presence, also, has been missed. (Stefan nods as Josef turns and retreats. He remembers this man from his childhood. He is only a few short years older than Nikolas, and much younger than his brother. Stefan is much more familiar with the older son, who ran security on the island beginning a few years before the exodus to Port Charles. He was not half as handsome as his brother, but he'd been smart and diligent. Josef is infinitely more enigmatic. Still… He has a quality that suggests he will be a very valuable commodity. In addition to that, Stefan is aware that he and Nikolas were acquainted at youths before Nikolas' move to America. Josef seemed, even then, to have an unspoken loyalty to the Prince. Stefan clears his throat quickly and turns back to George, trying to stop himself from sinking into worry again.)

Stefan: Please. Show me to your study.

Train Compartment, nearing Athens.

Emily pauses outside the door, listening. Absolute silence. This is not good. It either means everything is just as hideous as it was before she left, or someone is dead. She takes a deep breath. Doesn't much matter. She's still a part of this, whether she likes it or not. And whether or not she's ready to go back in.

Opening the door, Emily's eyes immediately go to where Lucky had been sitting. Empty. She turns immediately to Nikolas, who is sitting by the window now, staring out of it in much the same way Lucky had been earlier. She lets the door shut, but he doesn't turn to look at her.

Em: Where is he? (Nikolas closes his eyes. Oh, this is not going to be fun).

Nik: I don't know.

Em: What do you mean?

Nik: I mean… (He turns and looks over at her) I assumed he went to find you. If he didn't, then I don't know where he is. (Emily swears under her breath and turns, opening the door, and going back out into the corridor. She looks both ways along it, uncertain of what to do. Finally, realizing Lucky could be just About anywhere, she turns and goes back into the compartment, letting the door shut automatically behind her) Is there any point in asking you what happened?

Nik: Emily, I'm really tired…

Em: (crossing to Lucky's old spot) Yeah, there's a lot of that going around. (Emily flops down across from him, pulling one leg up on the seat, the other on the ground, and stares at Nikolas. He's aware of this, though he really doesn't want to make eye contact. Emily notes this, getting increasingly agitated). I don't want to fight with you. I really don't.

Nik: (finally looking at her) I don't want that either.

Em: Then maybe we just shouldn't talk.

Nik: Meaning…

Em: (Looking out the window) Meaning just what I said.

Nik: You're mad at me.

Em: (cold) Let's put it this way. I just had way too much time to think, and you're the one who's here.

Nik: And you know Lucky's side of this inside out and backwards. (Emily looks back at him, a little injured)

Em: I think I've done a PRETTY good job at staying as close to the middle as I can here, Nikolas.

Nik: I suppose.

Em: Excuse me, maybe I should ask if you're mad at ME.

Nik: Look. All I'm saying is, as close to the middle as you try to stay, we both know who you're with when the chips are down.

Em: Yeah. I guess we do. Can you blame me for that? (Nikolas looks away. After a moment, he shakes his head) He's always been there for me, Nikolas. (Nikolas nods after a moment, deciding against pointing out that they broke up for four months. After a moment, he looks back at her)

Nik: (quickly) I have to ask this. I have to know. (He looks over at her) What has he told you?

Em: What?

Nik: About… Us. About everything that happened between me and him.

Em: (warily) Nikolas… I can't…

Nik: Everything, right?

Em: I can't possibly know that.

Nik: Did he tell you about the first time we met. (Emily doesn't answer, just staring at him. Jesus… What had happened here?) He did, didn't he?

Em: Nikolas…

Nik: How, exactly, is it that you can look at me? (Emily stops, dumbfounded)

Em: What?

Nik: You also told me… You said, he thought that I asked my father to get him away from me, to keep him in Switzerland.

Em: (after a moment) He did.

Nik: And what else? You said something else…

Em: You pushed him away!

Nik: Right. I did. I had reasons, but… They aren't making much sense right now. You've never heard my side of any of this… Have you heard his? (Emily frowns at him)

Em: Yes. But that doesn't mean I'm going to tell…

Nik: NO! No, that's not what I mean. I mean… If you know all of that stuff, if you know exactly what happened with us, and what he thinks of it, then how EXACTLY is it that you talk to me at all? (Emily stares at him a long moment, then turns and looks out the window again)

Em: (quietly) He's asked me the same question.

Nik: And?

Em: (agitated) And… I just don't think it's that black and white, ok?

Nik: It's more than that.

Em: I don't want to get into this.

Nik: Emily…

Em: If you want to ask questions, Nikolas… if that's really what is going on with you right now, then forget about me and why I don't hate you… just ACCEPT it, ok? Because there are so many more things going on here, you can't even… (She stops and shakes her head) IF you want to ask yourself a question then start with why he lied for you. Don't you wonder about that? If he “hates” you so much, then why did he sell out everything he believed in to make sure you were safe?

Nikolas: Emily…

Em: You want to know the part of this I have a hard time with? The part that makes me feel sick to my stomach? It's not YOU, Nikolas. You hurt him, he hurt you, what does it matter? That part is between the two of you. What stopped you guys from sorting this out years ago? Your father going to Switzerland, that didn't help. Laura letting Lucky keep that secret, that sure as hell didn't help. And Luke…(She stops, taking a shaky breath. She can't explain the part about Luke, she hasn't even broached it with Lucky. She looks back at Nikolas) Luke is complicated.

Nik: Seems pretty simple to me.

Em: (sharply) It's NOT. Nothing is simple about any of this. (Nikolas stares at her, at the heat in her eyes. Her jaw is tight, her fists clenched, and she's shaking a little) Just think about it.

Nik: I… (Nikolas is cut off by the opening of the door. They both turn and look up to see Lucky. Lucky's gaze immediately fixates on Emily, and darkens)

Lucky: What happened?

Em: Nothing. (she clears her throat and rubs her eyes with the heel of her hand) I think I'm just… Sleep deprived or something. (Lucky stares at her a long moment. Sleep deprived. She's getting twice the sleep he is. Besides that, she's a lousy liar. Actress, maybe, liar… no. He tosses a travel guide to her)

Lucky: You can sleep at the hotel. Take your pick. (Emily looks over, then picks up the book)

Em: Where did you get this?

Lucky: (shrugging, dropping down beside her) It's a train. People leave things.

Em: (nodding, her lips pressed together) Umm hmm… (she shuts her eyes, locking out the deeply troubled look on Nikolas' face. Lucky reaches over and brushes her hair back from her face. She opens her eyes, looking into his for a moment. She looks, he realizes, a whole lot older. When exactly had that happened? If he shuts his eyes, he can still see her face a few short months ago when everything had been falling into place for them again, before everything had gotten all tangled up with Hannah. She's looked so much younger. He wonders mildly how much this whole thing has taken off their lives.)

Lucky: (glancing at Nikolas quickly) Can you guys handle getting the hotel rooms? I got errands to run.

Em: Umm… Yeah.

Lucky: Just pay cash, Em. It's the last place we gotta stay, and Athens is really cheap.

Nik: Comparatively speaking. (Emily nods, flipping open the book)

Lucky: (to Em) Use the same name we used at the other place. And I'll be around in about an hour, I just wanna get some stuff taken care of.

Em: (nodding again, as her insides twist around in all kinds of interesting directions) Sure. Fine.

Nik: How long are we staying. (Lucky looks down at the floor, not making any effort to actually look at his brother)

Lucky: We'll talk about what comes next once Emily's feeling better, ok?

Nik: Ok. (Emily closes her eyes, leaning back against the seat. Once she's feeling better. That's not going to happen. Not until he does. Not until this tension abates. But for the time being, if Lucky has to use her as the excuse to take a breath, she's not going to stop him. And God, she is tired. And her head is pounding, again. She sighs. Ok. Fine. She'll be the excuse if it means he'll stop for a minute.)

Lesley's flat, London, England.

Laura stands by a window watching the grey sky and English rain streaking down the pane of glass. She holds a steaming cup of tea in her hands, hunching her shoulders, as she stares off into space. Lesley enters the room from the back of the flat in a jubilant mood, the exact opposite of her daughter's expression. She claps her hands together, eyes shining as Laura turns around to look at her.

Lesley: Well, she barely opened her eyes! She just curled up against my pillows and was dead to the world! (Laura shakes her head)

Laura: She wouldn't sleep on the plane. All I could think, the whole way over here, is how off-schedule she's going to be… (She smiles ruefully, looking into her mug) Schedules. I used to be so good at that. Up at a certain time, down at a certain… Now I'm having a good day if I get her dressed by noon. (She sinks Down into an armchair by the window.) What kind of mother am I? (Lesley frowns, then moves towards her daughter).

Lesley: Laura, I never got to be a mother to you when you were Lulu's age. I can't much tell you. (Laura nods, exhaling, and looks up at the ceiling as Lesley moves a chair at the dining room table towards Laura, setting it in front of her and sitting down so that they are directly across from each other).

Laura: You know… Years ago, when I threw Luke out, I don't think I ever really believed what I was doing. I couldn't have… (She frowns) Or maybe it was Lucky. Maybe putting so much energy into making sure he didn't hate me any more than he already did was enough to make everything else seem small. I had to keep everything as even and balanced for him as possible. (She looks at Lesley) Lucky was used to change… but not change with Luke and I. It was like taking the only thing in his life that was ever constant and throwing it up in the air for him… (She stops and laughs, a high pitched, almost hysterical sound that makes Lesley very nervous) As opposed to smashing everything he ever knew into little tiny little pieces. (She takes a long gulp of the tea, ignoring the fact that it's burning her mouth and swallows it down before looking back at her mother, her eyes frighteningly bright. Lesley struggles to contain her alarm). I had so much time to think on the plane… And I can't decide which is more cruel… destroying everything a child believes in, or letting them believe in nothing right from the beginning. I suppose, if I could track my sons down I could hold a panel and ask them. They've each experience one of the other.

Lesley: Laura, honey…

Laura: (squeezing her eyes shut) PLEASE… Don't. Just… Don't. Don't tell me I'm being too hard on myself, I can't even hear it anymore. I've been clinging to that one too long. (She takes a deep breath) I made a decision a really long time ago that I was just not going to think about what happened on the island. And I've tried, every single day of my life, to just pretend it never happened. (She takes another masochistically large gulp of tea, then looks at Lesley again) Then one day… Stefan showed up. And I thought “That's all right. I can do this. I can let this one little thing in, to save my daughter and then I can go right back to my life.” (She looks back at the window, her voice distant) I really thought I could do that. I thought if my baby lived, that was all that mattered. (She closes her eyes a moment) She is so beautiful.

Lesley: (reaching out and taking Laura's hand) She is Laura.

Laura: (looking back at her) They all are. That much I can say… I give good genes. (She pulls her hand away) The rest of it… (She shrugs, staring back at the tea) Well. I'm not going to be winning any awards.

Lesley: Laura! Where did all of this come from? (Laura presses her lips together. When she speaks again, it's very calm and methodical)

Laura: I went into Lulu's room a few nights ago. And I was watching her sleep, and thinking about how miserable she is, how sad all of this has made her… And she's still the child I've hurt the least. And I thought “Why don't I ever worry about doing the same thing I've done to her brothers to her?”… Because I don't. I honestly don't see HOW it could happen. Do you know why?

Lesley: We all learn from our mistakes, Laura… (Laura looks at her sharply)

Laura: No! No… I realized… Lucky watches her like a hawk when he sees her. And Nikolas… (she smiles bitterly) He can stand the sight of me better than Lucky can so he's always around. And neither of them will let anything like this happen to her.

Lesley: (in confusion) Anything like WHAT? (Laura looks back at her, a bit spooky)

Laura: You haven't seen them, mom. You haven't seen what this has done to Lucky. Nikolas… He's more stoic. But the damage I did there was long ago, and… I don't know if I will ever break down that wall. (she takes a deep breath) I can't believe it took me this long to understand what happened… What I was trying to do, and how impossible it was. I thought I could just… Keep it all separate. Even when Nikolas showed up and it all began to unravel I thought I could push them apart. (She furrows her brow) Even when I went to Switzerland… I really thought I could make the island stay on the island! (She looks back at Lesley in momentary despair) Why did I have to be so young? Why couldn't they have WAITED? Maybe I wouldn't have been so selfish.

Lesley: Selfish? Laura, HONEY! You were kidnapped!

Laura: (through gritted teeth) I hate that word.

Lesley: It's what happened!

Laura: (turning on her, in fury) So WHAT? So… explain to me why that gave me the right to abandon my son? Because I didn't choose to be there? That doesn't change the fact that I brought him into the world! I could have changed that. (She stands up suddenly pacing the room) I could have thrown myself down the stairs. (she spins back to her) I could have thrown myself down this heavy marble staircase… it might have killed me, but what did I think I was living for? I can't even remember anymore! I don't know why I was so convinced I had to survive. (She stops, thinking back a moment) I could have done that. But I didn't. (She smiles slightly, recalling) Because I was happy, I was so happy to be having a baby. I did EVERYTHING to make sure they got their heir. To make sure he was healthy. And it wasn't for them… it was for me. To give myself a reason to live.

Lesley: Oh, baby…

Laura: And then I found out Luke was alive and I had a reason to live and I left him. I just left him…

Lesley: You thought you were coming back!

Laura: (shaking her head) That's what I wanted to think. But… I must have known. I must have known I wouldn't leave Luke. That he wouldn't let me. (She looks over at him) Mom! It was Luke! Do you remember? When I was still… Almost a child. I thought I was grown up, I was desperate to be grown up… but really, looking back, I was a little girl. And I had this man, this incredible man who was a hero. I had my Knight in Shinning Armor. I believe that with all my heart. He was my fairy tale prince, and princes save their princesses. I believed that like nothing else. So… (she closes her eyes, clenching her hands) It's time for me to just say it. I left my son. I abandoned him. And there aren't enough excuses or apologies to change that. Ever.

Lesley: Laura… (She crosses to her). Oh, God, Laura…

Laura: (backing away) No. Please don't. Don't try to comfort me. I don't want it! Don't you see that? I… I've had more comfort than I deserve from anyone. (She sets her jaw and looks at Lesley) Mom… There is so much going on, I don't even know how to explain it. But Lucky… (she sits down at the table and puts her head in her hands) The first time I saw Nikolas he looked at me with so much contempt, I felt my heart just stop. (She looks up at her) And over time… That's gone away. He's even let me hug him a few times. Lucky… With Lucky, it's the opposite. He used to look at me like I was absolutely perfect. He loved me. I know he did.

Lesley: Did?

Laura: (shaking her head) It's complicated.

Lesley: (sitting down next to her) Laura… Honey, I don't understand this. I really don't.

Laura: (quietly) Lucky scares me, Mom… He's got too much of his father in him. That… That darkness, that destructiveness that Luke had so much of when I met him. Lucky has that. And he's turning it in on himself. (She looks up at her mother) When you asked about him, for years I've told you what I wanted to believe. That… He had a girlfriend. He was happy with her. She took up most of his time… I don't know if it's a case, so much, of her taking his time as it is that he just never wanted to be with anyone else. (She takes a deep breath) He nearly lost her. Just a little while ago, she was in an accident, someone tried to kill her. (Lesley sits back)

Lesley: Emily? That little girl…?

Laura: (slowly) He had to stay with us… At the house. While she was in the hospital, I think I finally got to see what he lives with. What she must know all about. (she looks at Laura) Maybe I just never wanted to look that closely before. I'd only begun to really understand, to see what he was doing. Mom… Lucky was keeping that secret for me for two years. And for two years it torn him apart and I've only seen it, clearly, for a little while. Really started to see how it destroyed him. Destroyed his belief in himself. It's like I asked him to give up something that was so much a part of him, that once it was gone, he just didn't know how to look at himself anymore.

Lesley: Laura… You were only trying to protect…

Laura: Myself. It was the same thing! Don't you see that? I left Nikolas behind so that I could have the life I'd wanted, what I'd planned, what the Cassadines had taken away from me! And then… When I had Luke, I… I didn't know how to tell him. Not about Nikolas. I had so many chances, before Helena… (She stops and sits up, her back straight. She turns and looks her mother, looking her straight in the eyes) It's confession time, Mom. And don't try to stop me. Everyone is so willing to let me be a victim. My husband, my son… Myself. But I made choices. I hated them, but I made them anyway. I hurt Nikolas… And then I couldn't let that be for nothing! I just couldn't. I couldn't put him through that and let it all fall apart anyway! So I let Lucky lie to his father… I tried to say it was just a secret. That was all. But to Lucky, it became a lie. It got so that he couldn't look at me. So… In the end I did the same thing to him that I did to Nikolas. I let them both pay for what the Cassadines did to me. Because I refused to take the debt on myself.

Lesley: (angrily) There is no REASON for you to take that on! Laura… you weren't given choices anyone should ever have to face! And you did not set out to maliciously hurt your own children, you love them!

Laura: I know! I know, God… I do. I do. And that's why I have to do this. I have to find them and tell them I know what I did now. I finally see it! And I'm willing to lose what I lost the night the Cassadines took me! I… Will give up whatever I have to, in order to give them peace. If Luke can't accept that, then I will give him up too. But I'm not hurting my children anymore. I can't pretend the island didn't happen. I can't ask them to do that either. It's over! It wasn't my fault, I didn't ASK for the Cassadines to do any of this to me… But that doesn't matter! I'm a mother, and the rest just doesn't matter anymore. Do you understand that?

Lesley: (Floored) I… I don't agree with you!

Laura: (amazed) How can you not? It's so clear to me… I lost my life… My hopes and my dreams for the future. And I couldn't see the justice in it. I couldn't get past how unfair it was! So I was determined to MAKE it fair! To get back what they took from me… that was my revenge! I wasn't going to let them keep me. I was NOT going to be their prisoner! And that meant… That meant I had the family I wanted, with the man I wanted and… And I never let them take that away from me. But I held onto it so tight, I lost everything that mattered. Everything but Lulu. And if I don't bring her brother's back to her… If I don't make some sort of peace with my sons, then the Cassadines really do win. Helena wins. Because I get nothing. And I'm not going to let that happen. If my children are happy, if my children find peace and can love themselves… Then I can live with myself. And living is what it was all about all along.

Lesley: Laura. Please. Listen to me. You've been through a lot. I understand why you're feeling this way, but you're not going to do anyone any good hating yourself.

Laura: (shaking her head slowly) That's not what I'm doing.

Lesley: Just… Please. Stay here. Wait for everything to calm down. You just need some time to get your head straight.

Laura: It is. It's straighter than it's been in years. The only thing no one is ever going to be able to take away from me is that I have three incredible children. And I have to end this for them. I have to let them know… I release them.

Lesley: (taking another breath) I… All right. All right, if you have to… go find Nikolas in Rome, but you said Lucky…

Laura: Nikolas isn't in Rome.

Lesley: What?

Laura: Nikolas disappeared.

Lesley: Oh my GOD! Laura, no wonder you're so…

Laura: No, no. Don't worry, he's fine.

Lesley: Then you know where he is?

Laura: No. No, he just disappeared into thin air. A few days ago.

Lesley: Dear Lord.

Laura: Mom, don't worry.

Lesley: Laura… You just said, Nikolas is…

Laura: Nikolas is fine. He's with Lucky.

Lesley: Excuse me?

Laura: (laughing) I know! I guess this is been a bonding experience for them. Ironic, huh? All I ever wanted was for Nikolas and Lucky to accept each other. And I've put them through such hell, they finally have. (she reaches out and takes Lesley's hand, smiling almost brightly) But… see… I can help! They both need peace and I can help them find it… If not with me, than maybe with each other. (She sits back and smiles to herself) And once that's done, then maybe I can make peace with myself.