Chapter One Hundred Seventy-Seven:
Moving On

Early morning, The Campsite.

Emily wakes up, to find herself lying at an impossible angle, her arm tucked up under herself, so that she does not roll, entirely, onto her stomach. She takes in a breath and is met with the realization that… yes… sleep actually made everything worse. She gingerly rolls onto her side, stretching her arm out. Pins and needles. She winces and sits up, stretching her arms out, then back, assuring herself that it still works. That done, she looks around to see that… she's alone.

Emily sucks in a quick breath, then whips her head around to see Lucky sitting at the edge of the cliff, past a few trees, staring out at the water. Nikolas is nowhere in sight. Emily stumbles up, gratefully, and moves across the site in bare feet, carefully sidestepping stones, towards the cliff. She approaches stealthily, and slides down behind him, her long legs circling his, and leaning against his back. She kisses his shoulder through the T-shirt he's pulled on since last night, and clasps her arms around his chest.

Em: (still sleepy) Morning. (Lucky puts a hand over hers, stroking the back of her hand with his thumb. He continues to stare down the cliff. After a period of silence, he takes her hand and kisses it).

Lucky: Morning. (He replaces her hand on top of the other and grips it. Emily leans against him, resting her chin on his shoulder. Her eyes follow the line of his gaze, and she finds what he's focusing on. She smiles slightly. Nikolas is at the bottom of the cliff… God knows how… going through his Tai Chi repetitions. Emily watches with Lucky for several moments.)

Em: How long have you been up? (Lucky shrugs)

Lucky: Awhile. He was already down there. (They both continue to watch him)

Em: (pensively) How long do you think he's done that?

Lucky: Who knows. Probably as long as he's been riding or fencing or speaking Latin. (there's an unmistakable tinge of resentment in Lucky's voice. Emily reaches up and brushes a hand through his hair a few times)

Em: (educated guess) We'll probably get to the island today.

Lucky: I know. (Lucky shakes his head, suddenly restless, and slides away from her, pulling himself up. He looks down the cliff again) Why does he do that?

Em: What? Tai Chi?

Lucky: Yeah. What's the point?

Em: Uh… I think it helps you focus. Relives stress.

Lucky: (under his breath) Focus on what? (He turns away, and Emily brings her legs up onto the ground again.) How does it do that? I mean… because some kind of ancient religion or spiritual guru or whatever lays out all these… What are they? Routines? (Emily just looks at him, eyebrows raised) So a couple of hundred years later people are still following this without question, and that's supposed to be normal?

Em: Hi. Have you met my brother the Catholic? This isn't unusual. Why is this bothering you so much? (Lucky shakes his head and gets up, crossing the camp)

Lucky: We have to pack up. (Emily frowns, watching him. He had finally relaxed by the time Nikolas got back last night… Or maybe it was just obvious they weren't in a situation to argue. But it's apparent something bugging Lucky about all of this again)

Em: He's being quiet again. (Lucky sighs and looks around at the site, trying to decide where to start.)

Lucky: Yeah, he's got a talent for it. (Emily stands up, moving towards him. She looks back over her shoulder)

Em: You know what? (she looks back at him. Lucky meets her gaze) Focus… intense focus on one thing… that's almost like not thinking at all. Like… Mediation. Like shutting out everything else so that you can just… Remember what's important. So you can get through. (She crosses her arms) Sound at all familiar?

Lucky: You think that's what I'm doing?

Em: I think you do it differently. You use different things. (Lucky stares at her a moment, knowing exactly what she's getting at. His mouth tightens, and he turns away)

Lucky: (gathering up things) I'm going to pack up. Do you want to go get him? At this rate, I could spend the rest of my life chasing after him.

Em: (heavily) He'll come back on his own. (Lucky drops everything, in frustration)

Lucky: So we're just supposed to wait around? I've got better things to do than play some bizarre variation on Mary Had a Little Lamb, ok? (Emily lets out a short high pitched giggle and claps her hand over her mouth)

Em: I'm sorry. I'm sorry, that was funny. (she drops her hand) God, I'm battling one hell of a mental image here.

Lucky: So I'm being reactive. Sue me. (Emily groans)

Em: I don't want to fight with you. (She heads over to a pack) Ok? In the meantime, I just woke up. And we're not on a military march. Can I eat or something? (Lucky sighs)

Lucky: I'm still packing. I have to do something.

Em: (opening the pack) Ok. I understand that.

Lucky: (muttering) Yeah, you understand everything. (Emily turns back to him, a bit shocked)

Em: What?

Lucky: (looking at her) You do. It's… Annoying sometimes. (He gives her a slight smile) I'm used to living in my head by myself.

Em: I'm… Not sure. Was that a compliment or an insult? (Lucky's smile spreads into a grin)

Lucky: Which is going to get me into less trouble?

Em: (shaking her head) Ah, the mood swing. I've missed that. (She stands up, holding a piece of flat bread, and tears off a piece, popping it into her mouth. She smiles at him and swallows) I'll accept compliment. If you tell me the game plan for today.

Lucky: Nothing fancy. Pack up the bare essentials, leave everything else behind, and walk.

Em: Fifteen miles. (She exhales) Give or take. (She looks up at him) Then how do we get to the island? Swim?

Lucky: There's a dock at this house. The Pappases. We take a boat from there. (Emily shakes her head. After a moment she looks at Lucky) Can I ask a question? (Lucky, beginning to clear the site, looks up, surprised)

Lucky: Yeah. Of course.

Em: This… Blood servant thing. This whole set up. Do you think this is really going to go some place? I Mean… I'm having a hard time trying to figure out what happens when we get there. You know? Does Helena Arrive… if she doesn't, what do we do? I mean… I feel like this is all being held together by glue and paper clips. (Lucky stands up and moves to her)

Lucky: I know. It's… Working on a hunch.

Em: (laughing slightly) Oh, is that what it is?

Lucky: I'll give Nikolas this much, ok? He knows his family better than I do. He thinks Helena will come looking for him. I can't imagine she's just going to let this all fester, you know? So… She found you in Italy. We know she was there. We know she knows we're with Nikolas. That's as close to a set appointment as you get with the woman.

Em: (nodding) You're right. I know.

Lucky: And the servants… (Lucky shakes his head) I don't know. Nikolas doesn't even seem that solid on them. But he doesn't want Stefan involved with this and I can't blame him for that. (Emily smiles slightly)

Em: (softly) Well look at that. You're on the same side. (Lucky rolls his eyes)

Lucky: You're on a real roll here, you know that.

Em: I'm trying.

Lucky: Yeah, I know. (He reaches out, grabbing her waist, and pulls her into his arms, giving her a hug. Emily's eyes widen and she lets out a sharp gasp. Lucky pulls back quickly) What?

Em: (holding her side) It's ok. (Lucky narrows his eyes)

Lucky: What's ok?

Em: (smiling weakly) I'm just… Feeling a little tender today. (Lucky, turning entirely business like, moves her hand and puts his over her ribs)

Lucky: Here? Your ribs?

Em: Lucky, I'm fine.

Lucky: When did this start again? You were ok.

Em: I guess… Walking…

Lucky: Walking.

Em: Lucky, don't freak out.

Lucky: You're hurt!

Em: It's minor, ok? I'm a bit achy today, yeah. But you know what? I've been sleeping on the ground outside for two days. (she exhales) I need to get some place else. You said so yourself.

Lucky: See, THIS is why I didn't want you walking yesterday…

Em: Tell me where we have a choice?

Lucky: I don't want you to push yourself! I know it's what you do best, but I don't want you to…

Em: Do what? Come on, Lucky! I'm not going to fall apart. What do I have to do… GOD… How am I going to convince you I can handle this?

Lucky: Like you were handling school last semester? (Emily sits back, the color draining from her face.)

Em: That is not fair. (Lucky closes his eyes, regrouping. After a moment, he looks up. Emily looks hurt. Deeply.)

Lucky: (steadily) I know you can handle this. I know you can. But if your body gives out…

Em: I'm stronger than that.

Lucky: I'm not saying you aren't! But come on. You were in a really serious accident. And we haven't stopped since Stevensville. I'm worried about you, ok? I don't want anything to happen to you. (Emily stares hard at a tree trunk, her lips pressed together tightly. After a moment she opens her mouth, but it takes awhile for the words to come out)

Em: I still have some pain medication from the accident. (She stops, getting suddenly choked up. She looks over at him, and he moves back to her. He pulls her towards him, very gently holding her arms. Emily struggles against breaking down. Her voice cracks) You KNOW I hate pain pills, right? (Lucky nods. Having been through Alan's addiction with her, he's more than aware.) But I'll take one. I will. I want to get to the island. And I want to get there fast. Once I do, I will be more than willing to just lie down and recover a bit. Deal?

Lucky: Ok… (He nods. What choice does he have?) But you'd better let me go get Nikolas.

Em: No. (she shakes her head, forcing a laugh) You better pack up and we'll wait for Nikolas.

Lucky: Emily…

Em: Don't fight with me. I'm injured. (She leans in and gives him a quick kiss on the lips)

Lucky: Fine. But if he does this again? I'm getting a leash.

Train Station, Prague.

Laura stands on the train platform, twisting her wedding band between her fingers. She doesn't look down at it, just feels the worn and familiar gold warm between her fingers. She's not certain of the last time she took it off. Years. She may have played a million parts under a million different names, but all of them were Luke's wife.

All but one.

It's been years since she's been here. Ten, at lest. And that last visit was disastrous. On some level, looking back… When Nikolas had first arrived there had been this feeling of being free. Finally. Free from all the hell of keeping this secret. In the end, though, it had only led her to hold on to older secrets harder. They were small, she told herself. Little moments here and there. It just hurt Luke so much to hear them. That which she'd always feared, from the day she'd first come back, started to happen. Slowly, the way he looked at her was changing, and that led her to hold tighter to all her secrets. She didn't want him to think of her the way she'd thought of herself back then. She didn't want him to truly know what had happened, how it had changed her. She wanted to be the person he thought she was. So much, it had become the central fact of her life.

Irony.

In this attempt, she'd led her son right down the same path of self-loathing she'd tread on. Keeping secrets helped her deny how she really felt about herself. Keeping secrets destroyed everything Lucky had thought of himself. And Nikolas. It was too overwhelming to think about where all of this had landed him. This list of things she'd done, just for the right to keep this ring on her finger and believe it what it stood for. It all felt backwards now. Ridiculous. How could she have let herself fall into these traps? It was disgusting.

Laura feels tears start to sting her eyes and blinks them back impatiently as she twists the band further up her finger. It's hard to let go, isn't it, Laura? She smiles bitterly to herself, feeling detached from her own name, feeling like the voice in her head, while undoubtedly coming from the core of herself, isn't actually a part of her. Not any part of who she wanted to believe she was. Teetering on the edge of her forties… And here she was, basking in a sudden uncertainty that even she had any idea of who she was anymore.

Laura pulls the ring free of her hand in a quick motion and slides the ring into the side pocket of her bag, refusing to focus or think about what she just did. She's not going to think about any of it. Just get where she's going. Find who she's gone in search of. She's well aware that Stefan might guess her destination. If he estimates she'd even have the guts to go back there. And Luke… She's made certain that he'd be able to follow if he wanted to. She wasn't planning on cutting off any of his options. She just didn't want to fight with him, didn't want to get all caught up in the chaos that was the remains of her marriage. It was time to focus on other things.

Laura checks her watch, then winds it, staring down the platform. Late. There is no place so deserted than a train platform at dawn in central Europe. That hasn't changed… though nearly everything else has. There had been a Yugoslavia back then, and the USSR had been hanging by a thread. Things were in such a state of chaos then, it had been everywhere. In the look of the people's eyes, in the way they moved. No one knew what was going to happen next, not in the most basic ways. She had fit right in. She shouldn't have been there, but she was. Ended up there by chance, after separating from both Luke and lucky. And she'd landed in Czechoslovakia after an unplanned stop… a bomb threat of all things… on the train. And she'd stood on this very platform and told herself that she couldn't do it. There was no way. It was too dangerous, too reckless.

But she's been so close.

She'd frozen. It was like nothing she'd experienced before, or since. She just couldn't make herself move, couldn't make herself leave. She'd known Luke and Lucky were waiting for her. She'd known there was nothing she could do. But she still hadn't been able to leave.

Years earlier, she'd made this decision… The decision to find out… just to see her son again. To see what he looked like, that he was healthy. That Helena hadn't done something horrible to spite him, just for being her son. She'd contacted Katjia through her sister, Andrea, in a small town eighty miles outside Prague. Katjia had been the only servant on the island that Laura had known she could go to. Nikolas' nanny. And that had ended in the worst kind of disaster, despite the trust that had been there.

Katjia would have been killed, but she was a distant relative of the Pappas family. And that guaranteed her safety. She was banished, as best as Laura could tell from her singular terse correspondence with Andrea. But she was alive. And she was living with her sister.

When she'd landed here, in the spring of the year the wall fell, it had occurred to her that it would be so easy just to travel that little distance to the farm. To see the sisters, to find out if they knew anything. They still had family on the island. They would know if Nikolas was alive or dead. If he was healthy. The most basic pieces of information denied her. All she had to do was go and ask.

But she couldn't. The fear had been too great. And somehow it had taken her days to make herself leave the city. To get on the train and leave that possibility behind. In the end, she'd decided she just couldn't know. She couldn't know one thing and not want more. And she couldn't have more. But it was almost like she'd forgotten who she was. She'd been in a cloud, confused and disoriented. Unable to discern between realities.

When she'd snapped out of it, she'd boarded the train, and gone to Amsterdam to find out she'd terrified her husband and son to death. The way Luke had gripped her, she'd known, just as she'd been existing in the past, he had too. She swore not to do it to him again. Not to disappear where he couldn't find her.

She hears a sound in the distance and looks down the track to see the train has finally appeared. It moves towards the platform, and she tightens her grip on her bag. She's finally taking that trip. Ten years too late. But it was the only place to start. The beginning of the road back to her children.