Chapter Thirty-Five:
Sorry Seems to be the Hardest Word

Lucky's Room

Lucky is more than a little surprised to find that he can't sleep. He's exhausted, but the day's events have grabbed hold of him and won't let go. He spent nearly the entire day trying to track down his father, who eluded him all day. There was no question in his mind when he'd left Hannah's that morning that the first person to track down was his father. After all, the whole situation had spun out of control -- due to no fault of his own -- and it seemed to be time to call in the master.

Lucky sits up on the bed, frustrated. He can't think straight. He's feeling childishly angry at this father for not being around, but at the same time, he's glad the situation is still in his hands. He's not sure his Dad will care that Hannah is Emily's only living relative. He keeps trying to weigh his options, but gets tangled up in them instead. Emily's behavior was the last thing he needed to deal with today. He's feeling petulantly wounded over that as well. One day, just one day where people weren't pulling away from him. He takes inventory of the number of people in his life who pay lip service to loving him, but then push him away. Emily doesn't do this often, but whenever she does, everything begins to feel like it's spinning out of control. He can't figure anything out because he's temporarily disconnected from his touchstone. Combine that with no sleep, and his head is just spinning. Lucky buries his head in his hands, and tries to get his mind to still. One thing, over and over again, keeps coming back to haunt him. The moment he lost control of the situation. The stupid thing was, at the time, it felt like he was taking control of it.

The Swiss House, winter of 1998.

It's 2:00 AM, but Lucky's still on PC time. He can't force himself to make the adjustment this suddenly, and he's come to hate nights in Switzerland. He can't make sense out of adjusting to a six hour time difference, just to turn around and push it back. So instead, the house goes to sleep, and he sits up moodily obsessing over his mother's reasons for being here. Now, he sits on the stairs up to the second floor, in the dark, thinking. His Grandmother seems fine. He didn't know her before, but by Spencer standards, she's got to be back to normal. He doesn't understand why they've stayed here. He's beginning to get the sensation that he's crazy though, because every other person he comes across -- even his Dad, thinks this is normal. Lucky hears a door creak at the back of the room, and looks up, startled. He immediately tenses until he sees his mother come into the darkened living room. He stands up to say something, but she doesn't notice and goes to the front door. She opens it, to reveal Stefan Cassadine. Lucky freezes on the stairs, in shock. Stefan enters the house, gliding into the room at his most elegantly gothic. Lucky nearly starts down the stairs in fury, but senses that this is a conversation that will clear some things up for him. He sinks back against the wall, hidden in the shadows. Laura turns on a low-watt lamp in the corner. She turns to face Stefan.

Laura: All right. I'm listening.

Stefan: I hear your son is visiting.

Laura: How do you know that?

Stefan: His exit wasn't surreptitious. I suppose he wants you to come home.

Laura: He hasn't said. (pause) I know about Helena.

Stefan: (nodding) It's true, you aren't safe here. But you wouldn't be any safer in Port Charles.

Laura: You can't keep me here indefinitely. What does it serve? To keep me away from Nikolas? You can do that in other ways. Besides, Lucky's already suspicious --

Stefan: That is not my concern. The growing pains of that belligerent child --

Laura: (warningly) You are talking about my son!

Stefan: That Spencer child is of no importance to me, whether he is here or in Port Charles. Provided he stays away from Nikolas.

Laura; He hasn't even mentioned --

Stefan: I can imagine. He's taken to facing off with Nikolas again.

Laura: Lucky isn't trying to hurt him.

Stefan: Don't underestimate his hatred of your other son.

Laura: (suspicious) Stop beating around the bush. What did Lucky do that has you so upset that you've flown all the way to Switzerland to tell me about it?

Stefan: It's not a specific action, so much as his current location that prompted my visit. He's out of Port Charles, and I want it to stay that way.

Laura: You can't be serious.

Stefan: He presents a threat to Nikolas.

Laura: What's happened to Nikolas? And why haven't I been told about it?

Stefan: The details are tedious, and to be frank, none of your concern.

Laura: He is my son!

Stefan: By blood. He is my son in every other conceivable manner. (Laura says nothing. Lucky doesn't catch the importance of this statement simply because it's completely inconceivable to him). What is happened is simply this: Lucky's continued antagonism and disregard for my son can no longer be tolerated.

Laura: (hissing) You have no way of knowing that.

Stefan: Your continued insistence of ignoring the facts amazes me. Lasha are you aware of the method of testing used to determine paternity? (Laura turns her back on him. (Lucky leans against the wall, the phrase hitting him hard. He silently shakes his head in disbelief) In the blood, they locate antigens. HLA testing, it's called. Three antigens come from one parent, three from the other. You requested Nikolas undergo this testing yourself. (Lucky goes cold. HLA testing. He's had it done too -- it was the test to see if he was a match for Lulu -- the only test he ever cared about passing) I took a personal interest in that test, Lasha, and it confirmed something I'd long suspected. Nikolas IS my son. (Laura sinks onto the couch)

Laura: You've known this long.... Since you've been in Port Charles, then?

Stefan: The time was never right before. (In the shadows the ramifications of this conversation hit Lucky in wave after wave. He silently slides down the wall of the landing, unnoticed.)

Laura: There was a time.... When I would have considered it good news to know that Nikolas didn't carry the genes of that madman. (She shoots him a vicious look) And what are you going to do now?

Stefan: I want you to keep Lucky here. (Lucky looks up).

Laura: He's sixteen! I can't control --

Stefan: (angrily) Therein lies the difficulty, Lasha. If someone could control the boy--

Laura: (infuriated) Is this what you're wanted all along? To make me regret every kind thought I ever had for you? (Stefan turns away) Was all of this, these confessions of love I've listened to -- was that all a trick, a way to lower my defenses, or suck me in so that you could punish me and Luke for what happened to Stavros.

Stefan: If you can believe that, then you never did know me.

Laura: I know you are a cold-hearted man, as cold as your mother, if you propose to continue to keep me away from my home!

Stefan: My only interest is to keep you away from Nikolas. And your wayward son is providing a direct threat to his continued well being.

Laura: Will you tell me what Lucky did!

Stefan: He antagonizes him at every turn! He has no respect for him and he takes joy in watching him suffer. Unlike his mother, I put the concerns of my son first.

Laura: (screaming) GET OUT OF THIS HOUSE! (Stefan walks up to door and turns back to her)

Stefan: Mark me well, Lasha. I will not be trifled with. You keep that delinquent offspring of yours away from Port Charles and my son. (He turns around and opens the door, without another word, and leaves the house. Laura sits in the living room, in silence. Lucky stays on his perch on the landing of the staircase. He doesn't feel like he can move, completely in shock. Nikolas is the son of Stefan. His mother had slept with Stefan Cassadine, and this had led to Nikolas. He doesn't even know how to begin to process this information. He realizes his mother is crying. He sits in silence and watches her, trying to connect it to his own feelings. He realizes he's not feeling anything. He is just numb. He listens to his mother cry, staring at the wall ahead of him. Her sobbing slows and he hears the rustle of her clothes as she stands and moves over to the stairs. He's aware she's going to see him, but makes no attempt to continue to conceal his presence. She turns to head up the stairs, and stops dead when she sees him. Lucky hears her gasp. He looks up at the ceiling)

Lucky: I'm not going to stay here.

Laura: (struggling) I know that. I wasn't going to ask you.

Lucky: Good. Because you can't keep me in exile too. (He looks over at her)

Laura: Lucky, please.

Lucky: (voice dead) yeah, I know that drill. I'm not supposed to get upset, I'm not supposed to be angry, I'm just supposed to accept it. Fine. I accept it. I'm going home. (He pulls himself up to his feet. Laura starts up the stairs, and grabs his arm. Lucky stops, doesn't pull away, but barely seems present.)

Laura: Lucky, let me explain.

Lucky: (quietly) What's to explain? Nikolas is Stefan's son. You lied. Again. This time, to all of us, even Nikolas... (he looks back at her) How could you do this? How could you break up our family just to keep a secret? (Laura, thoroughly spooked by Lucky's uncharacteristic calm, pulls his arm, leading him down the stairs. Lucky, still in shock, lets her pull him into the living room)

Laura: I never ever wanted you to find out this way.

Lucky: You never wanted me to find out at all (He pulls away from her and begins to walk around the living room, lightly touching items around the room, just to reassure himself that he's still there.) Who knows?

Laura: I didn't even know until tonight. Not for certain.

Lucky: (distantly) He wants me to stay here. (he shakes his head) I'm not a threat to Nikolas.

Laura: I know.

Lucky: This... (He runs through the facts in his head, putting them together quickly) He's been blackmailing you. With this.

Laura: Yes.

Lucky: That's the real reason you're here. (He laughs slightly) That doesn't make any sense.

Laura: What do you mean?

Lucky: Well... you're here why? Because you don't want Dad to know, right? Because he'd have a fit.

Laura: (quietly) Yes.

Lucky: That doesn't make any sense.

Laura: Lucky, your father would kill Stefan if he knew.

Lucky: So what?

Laura: Lucky!

Lucky: No, really Mom. So what? So, maybe he'd be caught and go to jail. That's not likely, though.

Laura: Your father is not infallible, Lucky.

Lucky: That's not what doesn't make sense. (He frowns) Ok, let's get this straight. Nikolas, he's the heir, right? To the title, or whatever? But only because he's Stavros's son. If he's not the son of the oldest son, then he's not the leader of the family. He's just the bastard son of Stefan

Laura: Wait a minute!

Lucky: That's how they're going to see it. He's illegitimate. And you were his brother's wife. He can't inherit the title, no way. Helena's back in town, looking to take over the family from Count Vlad, they find this out, they'll all turn on each other like a pack of wild dogs. (He looks up at Laura) He wants Nikolas to inherit, everything, right? So he's got as much to lose as you do. (Laura blinks in response to Lucky's logic. She hadn't -- for reasons known only to Culliton, so don't expect me to explain -- considered this).

Laura: I don't think it's that simple.

Lucky: That's kind of the brilliant thing. It is that simple. They're stuck with all these century old rules and traditions. We're not.

Laura: (quietly) I could never do that to Nikolas. (At her words, Lucky manages to grab hold of a tangible emotion. Very familiar jealousy hits him with a crippling force. He turns away form his mother, angrily)

Lucky: No, we wouldn't want to hurt Nikolas. (Laura, recognizing the tone, walks over to Lucky and puts a hand on his shoulder. He shrugs it off angrily) That's the only person you've been protecting, Mom. You can say it was for us, but that theory doesn't hold water!

Laura: I was doing what I thought I had to do to keep our family together!

Lucky: We AREN'T together. You're living six time zones away! Dad and I are living on take out and Aunt Ruby's cooking, I'm watching my sister grow up in snapshots, this is not a family anymore! (Lucky feels his grip on himself return with full force. He looks at Laura, and her heart breaks at the pain in his eyes) You let them win! What is it we had that they could take away from us? We were willing to leave everything and never come back last year. Because we had what we needed, we had our family. That's all we ever needed. How could you think that leaving us would keep us together?

Laura: If your father finds out...

Lucky: Then he won't find out.

Laura: (shocked) What?

Lucky: Well, Stefan can't tell him. I'm not going to. You're sure as hell not going to.

Laura: Lucky, you can't do this...

Lucky: Yeah, I can. You've been lying to me my whole life. How hard can it be?

Laura: I can't ask you to lie to your father for me.

Lucky: So what am I supposed to do? Go back there and watch what's left of my family be completely destroyed? You may not remember most of the time, but you DO have two sons. You told me that leaving Nikolas was an impossible thing for you to do, and that you'd never do it to me. Well, you did it to both of us when you came here. (Laura turns away, ashamed). Do you even love me anymore, or I am just-- (Lucky stops, his throat closing up on him. He angrily wipes his eyes with the back of his hand. Laura turns back to him, horrified)

Laura: Oh, God, Lucky! (She rushes to him and pulls him into her arms. Lucky, feeling completely raw, lets her hold him, burying his head in her shoulder. Laura begins to cry herself) I'm so sorry, I'm so, so sorry. I never wanted to cause you any pain. (she pulls back and takes Lucky's face in her hands) I love you so much -- never ever doubt that. Your father and I -- you were born of the greatest love I have ever known, you and your sister. (Lucky averts his eyes, embarrassed that tears are now running freely down his face) I know this last year has been hard on you, but you've always been a survivor, and maybe I've put too much on you because I always knew you could handle it. But if there is anything I can do to make things better between us, tell me now. (Lucky stares at the wall, feeling almost comforted by the words. His mind can't help but turn over the things she can't say. Things she might have said if he'd honestly been the first born, her only son, all the things she let him believe for so many years. He pulls away from her)

Lucky: Just come home. That's all I want.

Lucky angrily falls back onto the bed, infuriated at everything. He makes stupid decisions on the basis of proving to himself that someone loves him, and it's not a personality trait he's very proud of. At the same time, even remembering that night brings him right back to that place -- hearing himself talked about, feeling invisible, not being able to understand how his mother could let go of their family so easily. He'd honestly believe that if they went back to Port Charles, and stayed under the same roof they'd be able to get back to what they'd been before the Cassadines had come to town. Well. That hadn't worked out.

There is a knock on the door, and Lucky sits up too fast. Head rush. He looks over at the clock, and frowns. 1:30. It has to be his Dad. He doesn't know if he can face him right now. He forces himself to stand up, the room dipping violently. Sleep is required. He weaves across the room, and pulls the door open. He takes a moment to process the information this provides him with.

Em: Hi. (Lucky shakes his head)

Lucky: Hi.... (Emily shifts her weight, uncomfortably)

Em: Look. I know you probably didn't expect to see me tonight. But, I was out, walking, and trying to make some kind of sense out of everything, and I just... I had to see you. (She looks at him, trying to evaluate if he's still upset with her or not. She realizes immediately, even in the darkened hallway, that he's been crying. She catches her breath) Lucky? (Lucky reaches out and pull her towards him. He cups her face in his hands, and kisses her. Emily, is caught off guard, both by the suddenness of this action, and by the quality of the kiss. There's something different about it, and intensity she finds overwhelming. His lips are soft and warm, gently parting hers, expressing so much love to her that she feels overwhelmed. The horrible contained feeling she's been holding in the pit of her stomach cracks and she is flooded by a myriad of emotions, all hitting her just as hard as the intensity of this moment is. She reaches up and wraps her arms around his neck, kissing him back. She feels tears begin to stream down her own face, as she remembers exactly what it is she's so terrified of losing. Lucky twines his fingers through her hair, breathing her in, trying to hold the essence of her as close to him as possible. Emily begins to feel her breathing constrict, panic seizing her. She wrenches out of his embrace, choking on a strangled sob. Lucky comes back to earth slightly, and watches her. She shakes her head, violently) I can't. I can't do this. It's too much. (Lucky, getting his breathing under control, takes a step towards her, standing very close to her. He presses his cheek against her hair and whispers into her ear)

Lucky: I haven't slept in forty hours. I can't get my mind to stop racing over every stupid thing I've ever done in my life. I can't get through this without you, Emily. I just need to know that I have something to hold onto right now. Please, just stay with me. Let me hold you. (Emily turns back to him, in shock. All the millions of times he's told her he loves her, this is the first time she feels close to understanding just how powerfully he feels for her. Love is easy for Lucky to talk about. Need, vulnerability, those things are nearly impossible. She wraps her arms around him tightly.)

Em: All right. Yes, I'll stay. I'm not going to leave you, Lucky. (Lucky lets out a long ragged breath.)

Lucky: I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you. (Emily closes her eyes tightly)

Em: You didn't. Don't worry. (She pulls back and looks into his eyes, thoroughly disturbed by how upset he is. She decides it's better not to press him. Instead she sets her jaw, emphatically) I love you. (Lucky nods, unable to speak. Emily pulls him close to her again, this time letting them sink down onto the bed together. She lies in his arms, sliding her hand up to gently rub the back of his neck, lying against his chest. Lucky feels his mind slow for the first time all day. He closes his eyes, feeling the full force of his fatigue)

Lucky: (a whisper) I love you... so much.