Chapter Fourty-Three:
Mother Issues

Lucky's room above Luke's.

Emily is still lying in the fetal position on Lucky's bed, feeling much worse than she did before Hannah's visit. She's been crying for about an hour now, and her head is throbbing. She rolls over on her back and stares up at the ceiling, willing Lucky to come home. She's feeling particularly needy today, which she hates, but she's can't seem to shake it. She's also feeling irrationally angry at Lucky for being gone this long. She rolls over fitfully and closes her eyes, trying to fall back asleep. It doesn't work. She sits up, and reaches over for the glass of orange juice Lucky left for her on the bedside table. Something about it makes her want to cry. She wants him to come back and take care of her, tell her he loves her, tell her Hannah doesn't matter because he's taking her out of this stupid city as soon as she says the word... She finds herself choking back sobs again, and puts down the glass of juice, untouched. She lies back on the pillow and lets herself cry again, angry at herself now for being this insanely emotional. She's so preoccupied by her torment that she doesn't notice the door open, or Lucky enter the room. He stops in the doorway, immediately aware that she's crying.

Lucky: Emily. (Emily sits up waaaay too quickly and looks at him, her eyes red and swollen.)

Em: Hannah came to see you. (Lucky swears under his breath and crosses the room in a heartbeat, gathering her in his arms. Emily clings to him, with all the strength she has, crying even harder against his shoulder. Lucky closes his eyes and hold her tightly, waiting for the torrent of tears to stop. Emily is practically gasping for breath. She feels awful, her throat raw, face hot, head throbbing. Every part of her aches. She buries her face against his neck)

Em: (muffled) Can I stay here again?

Lucky: No problem.

Em: I feel like hell. (Lucky loosens his embrace, and rubs her back gently) Can you stay with me?

Lucky: Yeah, Dad can take care of the club. (He pulls back from her to look in her eyes) Are you Ok now?

Em: I just don't want to be alone. (Her voice falters again, and her eyes well up) Why can't I stop crying? I'm so sick of this. (Lucky pulls her back against him and lets her cry some more.)

Lucky: It's Ok.

Em: (still crying) No, it's not! It's pathetic.

Lucky: Don't, Em. That's not going to help you.

Em: I don't care! You didn't cry when you found out about Nikolas, did you? (Lucky sighs heavily)

Lucky: That was totally different.

Em: Did you cry or not?

Lucky: No, I got angry. And don't even try to figure out how long that lasted. (Emily actually cracks a small smile. She stills a little, and Lucky instinctively begins to rock her. Emily is infinitely comforted by this, and manages to slow her crying down considerable, her body shivering with only the occasional sob.) Why were you crying?

Em: It's stupid.

Lucky: Tell me.

Em: (almost a little girl whine) I miss my mother! (She feels tears spill from her eyes again, and pulls away from Lucky violently.) Damn it! (She wipes at her eyes angrily. Lucky watches her, a pained expression on his face) You keep thinking it'll go away. And maybe you even think it has, and then one day something happens and you suddenly feel this great big gaping wound open up inside of you, like nothing's changed. Like she just died yesterday! (she starts to cry even harder) It wasn't fair, Lucky! She was my mother and I needed her. Why did she have to die? Why does she get to die, and her sister -- (Emily's anger builds up so violently that she lets out a scream of absolute agony) I can't do this! (Lucky reaches out, and pulls Emily towards him, tears in his own eyes. He holds her so tightly she feels like she's being crushed, but still wants him to hold her tighter. She begins to cry like she never has before, letting out six years of suppressed emotion. She's flooded with all the jumbled feelings -- the ones that drove her to drugs, and other forms of self-destruction, the ones that she feels like she has to hold so tightly because they're too ugly to acknowledge. She finds herself fighting against Lucky's embrace, but he stubbornly refuses to let go of her, letting her spill out her emotional garbage all over him. She surrenders, finally, and pulls him down onto the bed with her, curling up against him, and letting him hold her as she cries herself to near exhaustion.)

Em: I'm sorry.... (Lucky, out of her line of sight, wipes away his own tears).

Lucky: It's Ok.

Em: I just feel like such a loser.

Lucky: Stop it. (He rolls her onto her back, and props himself up on his elbow) No one talks about the woman I love that way. (Emily rolls her eyes, still feeling ridiculous. Lucky lowers his face to hers and lightly kisses her eye lids. Emily, much to her own frustration, is so moved by the gesture that she starts to cry again. She tries to cover her face, but Lucky gently restrains her, kissing away the tears. Emily gives up, and lets him, now feeling lost in a swirl of emotions, the only recognizable one being her love for him. She grabs onto it like a life raft.)

Em: I don't know what I'd do without you, Lucky. (Lucky sighs, still lightly brushing his lips against the skin on her face.)

Lucky: Without me, you wouldn't know about Hannah, and you'd probably be in a much better mood right now. (Emily laughs, surprising Lucky who pulls back, looking at her)

Em: Lucky... the worst moments I've ever spent with you, are still far and away from the times I haven't had you in my life. (she opens her eyes, and looks up at him) I love you so much.... And I'm really trying hard not to cry right now. (Emily loses the battle as her eyes well up again. This time, however, she sees a little humor in it). I AM SUCH A MESS! (Lucky kisses her gently, on the lips this time. It's surprisingly long kiss, leaving Emily a little breathless. He pulls back and looks down at her. She blinks.) What was that?

Lucky: I love you too. (Emily forgets her inner turmoil, and searches his face with her eyes)

Em: (apprehensively) How was Lulu?

Lucky: I don't want to talk about it. (He kisses her again. Emily fights not to surrender to the infinitely more pleasurable feeling of being in his arms and kissing him, vs. lying alone and staring at the ceiling. She pulls back)

Em: Is something wrong? (Lucky sighs and presses his forehead against hers)

Lucky: She's ticked off at me.

Em: Why?

Lucky: She doesn't think I was nice enough to Nikolas.

Em: (trying to pull out of his embrace, but failing miserably) Nikolas was there?

Lucky: I don't want to talk about it.

Em: Did you guys have a fight?

Lucky: (groaning) Emily....

Em: Tell me.

Lucky: We had a fight -- well, he called it a "discussion", but I think that was for Lu's benefit. Unless he ends all his conversations by throwing people up against hard surfaces.

Em: What?

Lucky: Don't worry, I didn't touch him. (Emily sighs. In a strange way it's nice to know there are constants in the universe. She puts her arms around his waist)

Em: I'm sorry. (Lucky pushes himself up on his elbows kisses her again, deeply, less carefully. Emily feels herself get drawn right into him. He pulls back and she looks at him, in shock) All right... What was THAT one for?

Lucky: You're the only person who never asks me what I did to deserve it.

Hannah's Apartment.

Hannah sits on the window sill, looking out at Port Charles once again. She's fighting off an overwhelming urge to get drunk, or something else hideously self-destructive and mind-numbing. She can't get the sound of Emily's voice out of her head. She'd known that she'd be angry. That was why she'd told Lucky all that stuff about not wanting to know her. But now that she'd seen her so vulnerable and alone, there was no way she could turn her back. She had hoped there was some way to keep her distance, but Lucky had ensured that was impossible. Lucky Spencer. It was an innocuous enough sounding name. Who would have guessed how calculating her was.

There is a knock on the door. Hannah weighs the options. Probably Lucky. Probably furious. She crosses to the door and opens in, unprepared for the sight of an extremely tense Nikolas.

Nik: I need to talk to you.

Hannah: I.. Ok. (He walks into the apartment and she shuts the door).

Nik: Why did you leave?

Hannah: This morning?

Nik: NO! Why did you leave your family! What made you do it?

Hannah: (confused) Nikolas, it's a long story....

Nik: You told me that you figured your sister would find you, right? In EUROPE?

Hannah: I didn't want her to find me! I mean, not ... Nikolas, it's all so complicated, I don't know how to explain it to you!

Nik: Try.

Hannah: Why are you so angry? (Nikolas doesn't answer, just glowers at her) I told you, you KNEW that I had secrets, you said they didn't matter!

Nik: You walked out on your whole family.

Hannah: Emily had a mother who loved her, she didn't need me.

Nik: Her mother DIED.

Hannah: I didn't know that!

Nik: Because you never bothered to find out.

Hannah: LOOK! If I want someone to beat me up about this, I've got Emily. And believe me she's doing a great job of it. You can try to make me feel horrible and guilty, you AND Lucky, but neither of you can do as much as Emily can with a glance, so just give it up.

Nik: You saw her.

Hannah: Yeah.

Nik: How is she.

Hannah: She's sick. I think that's my fault too.

Nik: Sick, how? What's wrong with her?

Hannah: I don't know. She wouldn't really talk to me.

Nik: Does Lucky know?

Hannah: I assume so, she's staying with him. (She furrows her brow at him) How well do you know her.

Nik: Better than you do.

Hannah: Well, she must be a pretty close friend if you're this upset.

Nik: I have a problem with women who don't honor their commitments.

Hannah: What are you saying, Nikolas....

Nik: I've had enough people walk out on me without putting myself on the line with you.

Hannah: Well, I tried to warn you. I did everything I could to push you away, but you wouldn't leave. Maybe you should think about why you felt that way before you lay this all at my feet, because I never made you ANY promises.

Nik: How do you do it? Do you know how many times I've had the chance to go back to Greece and leave my sister? I've never ever been able to do it.

Hannah: Your sister?

Nik: I told you about her.

Hannah: When?

Nik: First time we talked. At Kelly's. I remember. Even back then you were more interested in my brother.

Hannah: I didn't know who your brother was.

Nik: Right.

Hannah: (letting out a scream of frustration) You know, in a twisted way, you're exactly like him! (Nikolas stares at her, uncomprehendingly)

Nik: You don't know anything about Lucky and I.

Hannah: No? Wasn't that the big attraction, Nikolas? My innate understanding of just how much you need to have a brother? How much you want him to let down his guard and let you in? In fact, I guess that explains me too. You just can't stand to be kept at arm's length, can you?

Nik: I'm leaving.

Hannah: HOW can you lecture me about my inferior skills as a relative when you can't see what you do to your own brother every time you see him! It's the only sign I have that Lucky's not completely robotic.

Nik: I'm not getting into Lucky with you.

Hannah: When someone stands in front of you and threatens your life, you really get to feel like you know something about them. And don't get me wrong -- Lucky scares the hell out of me. But the only reason he doesn't completely terrify me is because I know that he has a vulnerability. And that's you. (Nikolas looks at her, desperately wanting to believe her. He realizes his own vulnerability is showing, and turns away)

Nik: You did it. You're a master. Is this what you've been doing? Taking inventory of all my emotional weaknesses?

Hannah: You pursued ME, remember? Now suddenly you're turning me into some evil manipulative she-devil? You're right, Nikolas. We have nothing to talk about. We never did. I don't know how you got me to believe that we had something. You're so... eloquent. And I was so GOD DAMNED alone. And I wanted to believe that for some reason, you'd decided you had to be with me. And it didn't make sense, and it wasn't a good idea, but you GOT to me. I guess it was the whole enigma thing, huh? I had secrets, I was mysterious, I didn't seem to be the same person from moment to moment, you could just make me whatever you wanted to. Well, guess what? My secrets are secrets for a reason. They're secrets because they're ugly and they're dangerous, and no, they don't make me look good. I am twenty-eight years old. And I have never really felt loved. So when you came along... (she throat closes up). It seemed too good to be true. I guess it was.

Nik: Don't.

Hannah: You can hate me all you want, Nikolas. But I don't have to watch. I think you should leave. (Nikolas turns back to her, pained)

Nik: I don't hate you. (Hannah shakes her head, and sits down on the arm of the couch) Hannah.

Hannah: You don't understand how I could do that. How I could walk out on all of them. Well, I will never have an answer that's good enough for you. Except that I was young, and I didn't think it made a difference. And I guess it didn't. Because Emily just seemed much happier before I showed up.

Nik: You can't spend every day of your life fixating on the fact that someone walked out on you.

Hannah: I was never really there to begin with. Paige and I didn't get along. She was... everything I wanted to be, but couldn't. And the more I tried to show the world how different and special I was, how completely unlike her I could be... the worse things got. Finally, I just decided not to be this person anymore. Not in any way. So I changed my name and I started over. And I admit, freely, the last thing on my mind was my niece. I can't even tell you how rarely I thought of her. Only in relation to Paige. So there you go, Nikolas. I told you, I have no talent for family life.

Nik: If you... If you're going to be back in her life, you better be prepared to stick it out this time. Because if it hurts when someone abandons you the first time, but it's nothing compared to the self-loathing that comes with that second one. Believe me.

Hannah: Your mother.

Nik: My mother let me believe she was dead. (Hannah stares at him, horrified.)

Hannah: How... how could she --

Nik: I don't know. I've never known. (He turns on her suddenly, angry again) I'm never going through that again. EVER.

Hannah: (standing up) Nikolas.

Nik: And I won't let anyone do it to someone else.

Hannah: Ok! I understand. Lucky said the same thing.

Nik: Lucky never went through it.

Hannah: Nikolas...

Nik: You thought you were alone, Hannah? Well, you chose to be alone. I was born into a family where a title was more important than anything else. It was so important that it robbed me of a mother. It robbed me of any chance to know my father. I live in a city where there are five people who share my blood, and I'm STILL alone. My mother doesn't know how to talk to me, my ... Uncle is too busy grieving, my brother... (he stops, shaking with emotion, as he recalls the look on Lucky's face that afternoon) My sister is four years old. And she's the only person in my life you asks me if I'm Ok. You -- You were this person who came out of nowhere and KNEW how I was. You could just see it, and I could see it in you. I wanted that to mean something so badly.

Hannah: I can't give you any more than I already have, Nikolas. I just don't have anything more.

Nik: (grabbing her arm) What do I mean to you, Hannah?

Hannah: Nikolas

Nik: Answer me! What do I mean to you?

Hannah: I don't know! (Nikolas pulls her towards him roughly, giving her a searing kiss. Hannah is caught completely off guard. Nikolas pulls back sharply)

Nik: Does that mean anything to you?

Hannah: (terrified) STOP IT! Nikolas, you're scaring me. (Nikolas pulls away from her, freaked out by his own behavior. She leans back and catches her breath) What do you want from me? (Nikolas doesn't answer. She watches him, breathing heavily, trying desperately to get a reign on his emotions. She stands up and walks up behind him, leaning against his back. Nikolas closes his eyes at her touch) This is Ok, Nikolas. I don't want to be alone, and neither do you. That's all this has to be. (Nikolas tenses up)

Nik: That isn't what I want.

Hannah: I know. (She steps back) But right now, that's all I have. (Nikolas turns and looks back at her. He knows he should walk out. Lucky was right. Get out while you can. She looks up at him, looking vulnerable, scared, mirroring the same emotions that are swirling around inside him. She takes a bold step back towards him) Nikolas, when I'm with you.. When you touch me, everything else disappears. You're like a drug. And you're just as dangerous to me. (She puts a hand on his chest) I need you. And I hate it. But I need you. I don't know how to get through this without you. Is that enough? Because it's all I've got. (Nikolas says nothing. She lifts her face to his, and he kisses her feverishly, as if possessed. She responds, hungrily, pulling him close to her. The kiss breaks, leaving them both breathless. Nikolas wills himself to pull away, but doesn't move)

Nik: I don't just want a body.

Hannah: Sometimes I think that's all I am anymore.

Nik: There's more. I know there is, I've seen it.

Hannah: I just want to forget everything. (she looks up at him) I can make you feel loved, Nikolas. I can make you feel cared for tonight, if you let me. But outside of that, I can't promise you anything. (Nikolas groans, knowing this is just dumb. He kisses her again, channeling all of his emotionally energy into the kiss. Hannah responds, and they sink together, onto the floor.)