Chapter Sixty-One:
Said Too Much

Hannah's Apartment.

Hannah comes out of the kitchen with a glass of water. Nikolas sits hunched over on the couch, looking even shakier than he did when Emily was still there. Hannah frowns and walks to him, sitting down beside him. She hands him the glass.

Hannah: Here.

Nik: (looking up) Thanks. (He takes the glass and downs it quickly, then leans back against the back of the couch) I'm sorry.

Hannah: You can't blame her.

Nik: (tense) I don't.

Hannah: You want to. You want to be able to hang this on someone for not doing enough. Emily isn't that person.

Nik: I KNOW that. (He looks over at her) I didn't expect her to be here.

Hannah: (smiling slightly) She says it's only because she has no where else to go, but I'm not going to complain. (Nikolas shakes his head slowly)

Nik: Lucky.... She's worried about him too, isn't she?

Hannah: I think she made that clear.

Nik: I mean before.

Hannah: Nikolas...

Nik: What?

Hannah: Look.... I can't tell you what she said before you got here, Ok? You have to respect that. (Nikolas frowns)

Nik: She was talking about Lucky.

Hannah: I can't tell you!

Nik: Because. She was talking about Lucky.

Hannah: Nikolas.

Nik: (annoyed) Don't worry, I'm not asking. (He stands up) I know... she said it perfectly. Yeah, he's my brother, but I don't know him. (He puts a hand to his forehead) Then how do I know that he's in trouble? (he looks over at her) Something is really wrong with him.

Hannah: (quietly) It must have been some confrontation.

Nik: It was... I've never seen him -- (He stops, recalling the look on Lucky's face when he told him he didn't want him to die, He shakes his head violently) I can't let this get to me.

Hannah: Let what --

Nik: This LOOK on his face, this complete panicked look her got... (Hannah feels his stomach twist into a familiar knot. She looks up at him)

Hannah: Panicked?

Nik: I.. He accused me of wanting him to die. That it wouldn't matter, that he'd be doing me a favor or something. And I... I told him that I didn't want him to. God, I would have said that automatically, he was acting so crazy, but I really meant it.

Hannah: (concerned) What do you mean, crazy?

Nik: Uh... He was... moody, I guess. That's an understatement. He kept going back and forth between being cold and distant and then being angry and defensive. He said stuff about my wanting his place, and... He said some stuff about our mother that didn't make a whole lot of sense. (He shakes his head) I don't know. I'm not the person to ask about this.

Hannah: Well, you know what you saw.

Nik: (ruefully) For whatever that's worth.

Hannah: What do you mean? (Nikolas stares off into space)

Nik: I don't trust him. (Hannah nods slowly)

Hannah: Because.... He's a Spencer?

Nik: (angrily) Because I don't have any reason to! (he turns away from her and takes a deep breath, trying to calm down) Every time Lucky does something... I have seen him sometimes, when I see his eyes, and I believe anything he says to me. It feels real. That happened tonight.

Hannah: I don't understand.

Nik: (turning back) He got very upset, told me to leave. And there was this look of absolute terror in his eyes. Like he couldn't trust what he was feeling, or he was worried if I didn't leave he'd do something stupid. I don't know. But at the time it felt so real, like I was really seeing a part of him he didn't want me to, something he wanted to hide from me.

Hannah: Maybe you were.

Nik: No... You don't understand. The first time I ever saw anything in Lucky's eyes besides hatred... He looked me dead in the eye, and he told me that my mother was dead. And I believed him. (Nikolas shakes slightly. He picks up the water glass again, and drinks the rest quickly, then puts it down on the table) I think I need something stronger. (Hannah, transfixed by his emotional state, nods and gets up. Nikolas sits down on the couch, his head in his hands. That moment of Lucky screaming at him, how devastated he looked... there was never any doubt in Nikolas's mind, not for a second, that his heart had been ripped out. And it was all a lie. Hannah comes back in with a bottle of Scotch. She splashes some into the now empty water glass. Nikolas looks at it carefully)

Nik: I never drink.

Hannah: I can't believe this whole town isn't on something. (She looks at the bottle and shakes her head) God knows, they need it.

Nik: (picking up the glass) Well, you should have been here a few years ago. (he takes a sip of the alcohol and winces slightly as it burns his throat. He leans back against the couch and looks up at the ceiling)

Hannah: So... Lucky lied to you.

Nik: They should have given him an Oscar.

Hannah: Are you sure he knew the truth? (Nikolas laughs)

Nik: Oh, yes. He knew the truth. He knew all along. Laura would never have let him think she was dead. (he looks at her, his expression twisted bitterly) I never understood why he's so angry. Have you seen him with his parents? His father.... They're almost the same person. I don't even know the word for it.

Hannah: (distantly) I was adored once too....

Nik: (confused) Shakespeare?

Hannah: Twelfth Night. (She look at the bottle critically, then looks up at Nikolas) While we're sharing family trauma... (she open the bottle and takes a swig out of it. Nikolas eyes widen slightly, and she handles it much more smoothly than him. She caps the bottle and licks her lips slightly) I shouldn't drink, I'll warn you of that. It never leads me anywhere good. (Nikolas nods slowly. She flops into the arm chair, cradling the bottle against her chest) My parents didn't want me. I was an "accident". To clarify, not a surprise, an ACCIDENT. And it was just barely before Roe vs. Wade and my mother wasn't a progressive thinker, so there I was, with these barely tolerant parents, who wanted nothing to do with another kid. It might have been Ok if I was a boy, but... they already had a daughter, you know? Been there, done that, bought the T-shirt. (She laughs slightly) I really loved Twelfth Night. You've read it, right? It's got that line "If music be the food of love.... Play on" (she smiles to herself) I always loved music... (she shakes her head and looks back at Nikolas) Sir Andrew Aguecheek, you remember him? The ugly Knight. He says that at one point, "I was adored once too..." I've never been adored. Have you? (After a moment, Nikolas nods slowly) I used to think of that line, when I'd see an old woman gushing about her grand children in the checkout line at supermarket. Or when someone's parents actually CAME to a recital at school. And they'd they send them flowers, or something. Remember them. And I'd feel so intensely jealous. Of complete strangers. (she opens the bottle again) I take it Lucky is adored.

Nik: Yes.

Hannah: And you don't think he appreciates it enough. (Nikolas shakes his head slowly) You know I finally figured out one day? Just because your parents love you, it doesn't mean they aren't going to mess you up. (Nikolas smiles slightly) I know, I'm not really sure what I'm talking about. There's gotta be stuff between you and Lucky I could never understand in a million years.

Nik: You do a pretty good job of guessing.

Hannah: Thanks. (she takes another swig out of the bottle) I try. (Nikolas picks up his glass again, and eyes the contents suspiciously) It won't bite.

Nik: Uh huh. (He drinks again, and coughs)

Hannah: (giggling) You know, for the first time, you actually seem twenty. Not even. Didn't you drink in High School?

Nik: I didn't go to high school. Well, I went for four months, but that was a bad idea.

Hannah: I see.

Nik: Besides, I come from wine drinkers. (Hannah nods and takes another swig) How do you do that?

Hannah: Years of practice. I DID got to High School. (she caps the bottle again and sighs) So... you gonna tell me exactly what happened here tonight? I mean, with you and Emily?

Nik: You saw it.

Hannah: No, I mean the whole thing about her brother.

Nik: Long story.

Hannah: Enlighten me. (she smiles ironically) After all, I am the girl's aunt. I should know what kind of boy she's stepping out with. (she laughs) Sorry. My father's word.

Nik: Uh huh.

Hannah: I'm fine. Really. I'm just not used to being this... old.

Nik: At twenty-eight.

Hannah: I've had a prolonged adolescence.

Nik: You know I was shot, right?

Hannah: I know. In the throat. (She smiles at him) I've kissed the scar. (Nikolas finds himself smiling, something he didn't expect to do tonight) It happened at Luke's right?

Nik: Yeah. I wasn't the intended target. Jason Morgan was.

Hannah: Oh, great.

Nik: So... this isn't really the point. Except that my family has a bit of a vendetta against him. (Hannah frowns)

Hannah: Your family? What about you?

Nik: Uh.. I don't know. I guess I never really thought about who's fault it was. It just happened. And what was I going to do? I was seventeen.

Hannah: (breathlessly) My God.

Nik: That's not as extreme as it sounds.

Hannah: How can you SAY that?

Nik: Look, half the town has been shot. (he stares at the top of the coffee table) Not that... No. I'm being dismissive.

Hannah: God. You'd be scaring me if you were serious.

Nik: Look, the point is, I got shot for being in the same vicinity of the man. Lucky's working for him.

Hannah: Didn't he... Wasn't he on the run from the mob when he was a kid?

Nik: Apparently.

Hannah: Then why the hell would he --

Nik: That's not a question I'll ever get a satisfactory answer to.

Hannah: He is a trip, I'll give him that.

Nik: Something's going on.

Hannah: What do you mean?

Nik: I mean... he's doing this for a reason. He practically told me his Dad doesn't know. And Lucky never does anything his father doesn't know about. They're partners in crime. So if he's doing this behind his father's back, then something's up.

Hannah: Like what?

Nik: How should I know? (Hannah stares at him. She considers what he's been telling her)

Hannah: (quietly) No one tells their parents EVERYTHING.

Nik: Luke is like his best friend. He'd never keep anything important from him. It would like... I don't know. The Spencers, they have this code that doesn't make sense to anyone but them. I'm pretty sure that would violate it.

Hannah: So if he's keeping this from his father... What would that mean?

Nik: I don't know. Up until tonight I wouldn't have believed that he'd ever do it.

Hannah: (softly) It must be tearing him up.

Nik: (frustrated) Then why do it?

Hannah: Why do people do anything? Maybe he wants to hurt his father, rebel. (Nikolas shakes his head firmly)

Nik: No. Not Lucky. If he's trying to hurt someone, it's not Luke.

Hannah: (still trying to get a grip on this) So... Does Luke tell him everything too, or...

Nik: I don't know. I just know what I see. He's not going to tell me anything.

Hannah: Ok... (she open the bottle again and takes a serious gulp of the contents. She caps it again and looks over at Nikolas) So what are you going to do about this?

Nik: What can I do?

Hannah: Help him.

Nik: He wouldn't let me.

Hannah: Are you sure?

Nik: I'm sure. (he shakes his head) I don't know. I mean, this is Lucky. For all I know he's sulking because his father forgot to consult him over some stupid thing at the club. (Hannah looks at him, unconvinced)

Hannah: That's pretty dark, Nikolas. (Nikolas shrugs, somewhat embarrassed by the venom in that remark. He shakes his head)

Nik: He doesn't know what it's really like to be kept in the dark.

Hannah: (confused) Wait... I thought he didn't know about you until you showed up to give that bone marrow donation.

Nik: (annoyed) Can't you just give me this?

Hannah: (heavily) Ok, Nikolas. You win. You're the wronged one, you're the one who lost the most.

Nik: (angrily) Look! I'm not a child. But I'm sick of everyone, Laura, Emily, even Lulu for God's sake, trying to tell me that he has to be treated with kid gloves while he's risking everything for no reason whatsoever.

Hannah: I'm just saying that maybe something is going on with him that you don't know about! (She feels a wave of guilt hit her. He is just eighteen, after all, no matter how tough he acts. She looks away from him) Maybe something is eating at him that you know nothing about.

Nik: (darkly) It wouldn't be the first time.

Hannah: What do you mean?

Nik: (quietly) My family's code of honor differs greatly from the Spencers.

Hannah: (frowning) I take it the family meeting didn't go well.

Nik: (Looking back at her) You have no idea.

Hannah: Do you want to talk about it? (Nikolas gazes at her a moment. She looks beautiful, curled up in the chair, holding the bottle. Her hair is gathered up in a sloppy ponytail, and her face is free of make up. He loves that he gets to see her this way. He picks up his glass and downs the contents in one gulp, savoring the burn this time)

Nik: I can't think of about a million things I would rather do at this moment than talk about my family's sense of honor.

Hannah: Uh huh.

Nik: (crossing to her) Yeah. Starting with this. (He braces his arms on the arms of the chair and leans in, kissing her deeply. She can taste the freshness of the alcohol on his lips, an experience she hasn't had in a long time. She closes her eyes and tries to concentrate on the present, on kissing this man in this place. He pulls back.) I need to be with you tonight.

Hannah: (hoarsely) All right.

Nik: (leaning in to kiss her again) I don't want to think about this anymore.

Hannah: Nikolas... (he cuts her off with another long sensuous kiss. She lets the bottle slide out of her grasp, and slides her arms around his neck. He pull back and gazes at her, studying her face. She glances away) There is so much you don't know about me.....

Nik: I don't need to know. (He leans in and kisses her again, with more passion. She shifts in the chair, pressing against him, losing herself in the passion he evokes so easily. He pulls back, still brushing his lips against hers, lightly) Tell me you love me.

Hannah: God help me, Nikolas, I do.

Luke's Club, parking lot.

Lucky stands at the bottom of the stairs leading up to the apartment. He is staring off into space, trying to access the depths of that cold hard feeling that hasn't entirely left him for weeks. It's been coming on fast since he left his mother, and he's almost at the point where he can convince himself that he'll never really have to feel anything again. Well, except for fatigue. He doesn't feel like he has the strength to mount the stairs up to the apartment he's coming to hate as much as he used to hate his room at home. In fact this whole town is making him sick. It was stupid of him to have ever accepted it as his home. Spencers weren't made for these domestic concepts. Running had been the best thing for them. Running from Frank Smith, and, it turned out, a dozen unknown truths that had all caught up with them when they stood still.

Realizing that this kind of introspection never leads him anywhere he wants to be, Lucky takes a deep breath and starts up the stairs. He fumbles a moment with the key to the front door. He finally gets it to pop open, and walks into the dimly lit hallway, his eyes immediately falling on Emily who is curled up next to the door. She's obviously been crying. His chest tightens, but he says nothing.

Em: (gently) Where have you been? (Lucky looks past her, down the hallway. He closes his eyes)

Lucky: Wasn't your curfew half an hour ago? (Emily smiles ruefully)

Em: Your point? (Lucky opens his eyes and focuses purposely on the door to his room).

Lucky: What do you want? (He walks past her and unlocks the door) I thought you were finished with me.

Em: Sorry to disappoint you. (Lucky twists the lock firmly, his eyes flitting in her direction and then stubbornly retuning to the door) I saw Nikolas. (Lucky stops. He wasn't expecting that. He sighs heavily)

Lucky: I figured. (He pushes the door open, and walks into the darkened apartment. Emily stands up, and follows him, stopping in the doorway) What did he do, swing by the mansion?

Em: I was at Hannah's. (Lucky looks back at her. She can't make out his expression in the dark)

Lucky: Why the hell were you at Hannah's?

Em: Well, where was I supposed to go? You know, things have been going on while you've been incommunicado. (Lucky looks away from her, turning his attention to the light issue) Nikolas... He told me. (Lucky flicks on the desk light)

Lucky: Told you what? He doesn't know anything. (He tosses his keys on the desk)

Em: Don't lie to me.

Lucky: (shrugging off jacket). I'm not.

Em: Yeah, you are and you know it. (Lucky tosses his coat across the chair and heads over to the bed, ignoring her. Emily rubs her arms with her hand, and tries to keep her voice as level as possible). You promised me, that after that favor you were done. You're not, are you? You're working for him again. That's what you're keeping from me. (Lucky doesn't say anything. After a moment he picks up one of the pillows on the bed, and tosses it on top of the other one. Emily watches this action and shakes her head) I don't know whether to hit you or hold you for dear life. (Lucky sits down on the bed, still not looking at her. He supports his weight with his arms and stares at the opposite wall stubbornly) This is the part where you tell me that it doesn't matter. That's becoming a theme with you, do realize that? Nothing matters. Do *I* even matter to you anymore? Probably not. Nothing that deters you from your straight and swift path to total self-annihilation. (She closes her eyes) You promised me.

Lucky: (brutally) Promises get broken.

Em: Yeah, I know. And You know what? I love you anyway.

Lucky: Go home, Emily.

Em: (stepping into the room) I didn't wait out here for you to come home so that I could turn around and leave you alone.

Lucky: What if I want to be alone?

Em: I know you want to be alone. That's why I'm here.

Lucky: (laughing bitterly) Right. Because you know me so well.

Em: I DO know you.

Lucky: Uh huh.

Em: And you know what else? That's your fault. I gave you a chance to get out of this ages ago, and YOU'RE the one who insisted that you didn't want it. So if it's not in your game plan to have me waiting on your doorstep and fighting to get you to stop acting like this, then you have no one to blame but yourself.

Lucky: (coldly) Regretting your choice?

Em: (incredulously) Are you even LISTENING to me?

Lucky: Why did you make that decision anyway? Wait, you told me. I remember. Something about how I always hurt you and you couldn't rely on me not to keep doing it, right? What the hell made you change your mind?

Em: (softly, not about to be sucked into this mind game) You did.

Lucky: Uh huh. Right. Because I have a great track record with that now, don't I? Framing your brother, working for Jason, generally treating you like garbage....

Em: I'll be the judge of that, Ok?

Lucky: How'd it work out for you? Is this what you imagined things would turn out like when you finally deigned to be friends with me again?

Em: I was scared, Lucky! God, you have to understand that. I was fourteen, and you were so important to me, I felt every little thing you did SO intensely. When you smiled at me if was like I was floating on air. And when you didn't... it was like a knife in my gut.

Lucky: (shooting her a viscous look) Yeah, I know the feeling.

Em: What do you mean?

Lucky: The knife in the gut. And you used to be pretty good at twisting it.

Em: Lucky, that's ancient history.

Lucky: History repeats. (Emily feels her face flush, but tries hard to stay focused. She's not going to get mad. She takes a deep breath)

Em: If I've done something to hurt you, Lucky, I swear it wasn't on purpose. And I can't think of anything I could have done that was so bad that you'd start pushing me away like this.

Lucky: I'm not pushing you away.

Em: Oh, yeah. You are. Come on, you can't tell me that when you think back to our memories in this room that THIS is what you come up with,

Lucky: What the hell are you doing here, anyway? I lied to you, Emily. Every time you show up here, you just end up storming out. I mean, do you really want to play this out again?

Em: Apparently.

Lucky: Look. I'm tired, I've had a long day, and I just don't feel like doing this tonight.

Em: (getting angry) Well, I guess you should have thought about that before you started working for Jason.

Lucky: Ok. Fine. Yell at me and get out, all right?

Em: Oh my GOD! You are good at this, I'll give you that. (she takes a deep breath, trying to calm down a little) Ok. You want to talk about what I did back before we were even together, then fine. I'm even willing to leave what you did out of it. (Lucky rolls his eyes. Emily chooses to ignore it) I was trying to be rational and make sense out of stuff that didn't make any sense. And I know I hurt you. Lucky, that was over two years ago. I'm not even the same person anymore. And neither are you. (Lucky snorts)

Lucky: (darkly) No. No, I'm not. (Emily watches him, chilled. She walks over to him and leans against the desk, in his line of vision)

Em: I've been trying to figure out why you're doing this. I mean, I always thought that you worked for Jason because it was something you enjoyed, or even needed. To be one step ahead of people. I think that's what freaked me out the most when Nikolas told me what happened. This... whatever this is you're doing, it's not because of Jason. (Lucky looks pretty much everywhere in the room except at her) I know you're keeping something from me. And whatever it is, it's ripping you apart. How can I convince you that I don't care what it is?

Lucky: How can I convince you that not everything I do is about you? (Emily looks down at the ground, stung. She feels an uncontrollable lump come into her throat)

Em: (tightly, tears coming to her eyes) Ok. You want to hurt me, congratulations. You've done it. Again. If I have to stand in front of you and cry, and beg you to talk to me so that you can actually believe that I'm in love with you, then fine. I'm doing it.

Lucky: (standing up) If you'd just leave me alone, then we wouldn't have to do any of this.

Em: Spencer logic. (she glares at him) I'm not leaving. I'm not leaving until you tell me what's going on!

Lucky: Fine. (He reaches under the bed and pulls out his knapsack) Then I'm leaving.

Em: (unprepared for that tactic) Lucky!

Lucky: Lock up on your way out. (He starts for the door. Angry and more than a little desperate, Emily grabs his knapsack)

Em: Stop it! Lucky! (Lucky pulls the knapsack out of her hands viciously. A hard object flies out of it and lands with a thud in the middle of the room. Emily stares at it, first in confusion, then with dawning horror) Oh my God. (Lucky looks first from her, then to the gun. He walks coolly over to the gun and picks it up) What is that for?

Lucky: What do you think? (Emily shakes her head violently)

Em: Come on. You don't need that. Jason wouldn't let you do anything --

Lucky: Where do you think I got it, Emily? (Emily stares at him, feeling her breathing quicken)

Em: Oh my God. (Lucky picks up his coat and keys off of the desk)

Lucky: Are you done?

Em: No! NO, I'm not done! What is WRONG with you? What the hell is making you do this, TELL ME!

Lucky: I'm leaving.

Em: (grabbing his shoulder) You are not! You're telling me, you're telling me the TRUTH for once, God Damnit! What are you doing?

Lucky: You don't want to know.

Em: (emotionally) You ENJOY this, don't you? You actually like being the only person who knows what's going on, don't you? (Lucky's face, already an emotionless mask, gets even colder. Emily claps her hand over her mouth in horror. Lucky just stares at her. She sees a flicker of cold rage in his eyes) Oh Lucky. Oh, God, I'm sorry, I didn't mean that.

Lucky: (starting for the door) Right.

Em: Lucky! Don't . Please don't. (Lucky ignores her, and walks out, slamming the door violently behind him. Emily shudders, then rushes to the door, throwing it open) Lucky! I'm sorry. (Lucky doesn't turn around. He opens the door and she watches, afraid to go after him now, horrified with the level of her insensitivity. He walks out, the door swinging shut after him. She sinks to the floor, beginning to sob) Oh, God. Emily, you are so stupid. (She swears at herself, furious under her breath, and pulls her knees to her chest, holding herself as tightly as she can)